Goon Show Script

The Case of the Missing Heir

Series 5, Episode 16

First broadcast on Jan 11, 1955. Script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Produced by Peter Eton. Transcribed by Tony Wills, corrections by Kurt Adkins. Further corrections by thegoonshow.net


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 2

[CD Box Set from Amazon]

Vol. 24: The Case of the Missing Heir

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GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC.

GREENSLADE:
We commence with the Greenslade impressions. (clears throat) Hoo-hoooo chorff chorff chorff chorff (getting faster) chorff chorff chorff chorff, chorff chorff chorff chorff, chorff chorff chorff chorff, chorff chorff chorff. Oh look I'm a train. Chorff chorff chorff ho-hohooowl ho-hoooowl

MILLIGAN:
It's going to be a long hard winter.

GREENSLADE:
And now listeners, I would like to thank those of you who sent old Greenslade all those loverly gifts of ties, socks and shirts. Keep sending them in Greensladers and here is my new address: Greenslade's Natty Gents Outfitters, Petticoat Lane, London. Two, four, six, eight, who do we appre..

FX:
GUNSHOT

SEAGOON:
And that signals the start of another highly esteemed, Goon Show!

GRAMS:
WEDDING MARCH AND CHURCH BELLS.

OMNES:
(13 seconds of lots loud garbled talking, at least three people, different accents) (fades).

SECOMBE:
(Welsh accent) This has nothing to do with the show, but isn't it beautiful, loh.

GRAMS:
MANDOLIN MUSIC

SELLERS:
(German accent) Austria between the years nineteen-oh-eight and nineteen-oh-ten. Or to be exact: nineteen-oh-nine. The scene opens in the rural hamlet of Baik, situated on the river Bonce. But then you've all heard of Baik-on-Bonce.

SEAGOON:
Yes, Bacon-bonce ... In that fateful year I, Neddie Seagoon, was on a walking tour of the Austrian Istrium. By chance I was given a ticket for the Grand Ball, held at the schloss Brandenburgh, in honour of the Emperor's son - Crown Prince ... Arnold.


GRYTPYPE:
Yes, the Crown Prinrz, being of the house of Eidelburgher was the heir. But we reactionaries did not want another Eidelburgher on the throne. So that night at the grand ball we conspired.

GRAMS:
WALTZ MUSIC FADES INTO BACKGROUND UNDER WHOLE SCENE TO NEXT GRAMS:

BANNISTER:
(over music) Owhhhh ... aaaah, owwhhh.

GRYTPYPE:
Ahh, there you are Count Moriarty.

MORIARTY:
Ah, Goodharpen herr Grytpype. I've been looking for you all over the ball room.

GRYTPYPE:
You fool, you made it so obvious hanging on the chandelier.

MORIARTY:
Achtung, listen, we must talk together.

GRYTPYPE:
No I'll wait until you've finished.

MORIARTY:
Look, let us go outside on ze balcony.

GRYTPYPE:
No we mustn't do that, we're being watched.

MORIARTY:
How can we talk without arousing suspicion?

GRYTPYPE:
I have it! Come close.

MORIARTY:
Yah.

GRYTPYPE:
Hold tight now, and ah, one two three, one two three, chasse reverse turn ...

MORIARTY:
My you waltz divinely. Now we can talk without drawing attention to each other.

GRYTPYPE:
Yes.

MORIARTY:
Do you come here often?

GRYTPYPE:
Only for assassinations.

MORIARTY:
Good.

GRYTPYPE:
One two three.

MORIARTY:
Ah, assassinations, that brings us to the point of Crown Prince Arnold. What is the plan for him?

GRYTPYPE:
Well,

MORIARTY:
yah.

GRYTPYPE:
This night he is sleeping in the castle.

MORIARTY:
Ah hah.

GRYTPYPE:
At the hour of midnight we must place a bomb in his bed. Two, three.

MORIARTY:
But surely he's bound to feel a cold bomb.

GRYTPYPE:
No, not if it's put inside a hot water bottle. Two three.

MORIARTY:
Good, I'll tell you what we'll do ...

SEAGOON:
Pardon me, ...

MORIARTY:
Yes.

SEAGOON:
... may I cut in, this is an excuse me dance you know.

MORIARTY:
Curse! I'll see you later Colonel Grytpype.

GRYTPYPE:
Very good Moriarty.

MORIARTY:
Auf wiedersehen.

GRYTPYPE:
Al feezle-hurn.

SEAGOON:
Will you mind taking your knees out of my eyes?

GRYTPYPE:
I beg your pardon.

SEAGOON:
I say, I hope you didn't mind me excusing you.

GRYTPYPE:
No, I love competition.

SEAGOON:
I'm Neddie Seagoon, English tourist you know. I'm on a walking tour.

GRYTPYPE:
I thought this couldn't be dancing.

GRAMS:
WALTZ STOPS. DRUM ROLL, TRUMPET FANFARE.

GREENSLADE:
Their imperial majesties, the Emperor and Empress Farendel el il one del la bush catalarena of Sardinia,

OMNES:
Umm, yuhmyum ... (general mutterings)

GREENSLADE:
His excellency, the Count Diseccles Ambassador to the Royal Principality of the House of Yourgenbourg the second...

OMNES:
Umm, yumyum ... (general mutterings)

GREENSLADE:
Fred Smith.

OMNES:
Owl ... (much more enthusiast mutterings)

SEAGOON:
I say, that's our British Ambassador.

FX:
PENNY IN MUG. MORE PENNIES BEING COLLECTED CONTINUES UNDER:

AMBASSADOR:
Thank you, thank you very much, thank you.

SEAGOON:
There he goes ... collecting for Britain.

FX:
DISTANT PENNY IN CUP.

MORIARTY:
Now then Colonel Grytpype, I have some bad news.

GRYTPYPE:
Bad news?

MORIARTY:
The man who was going to plant the bomb has got cold feet.

GRYTPYPE:
I told you not to send a man without socks.

MORIARTY:
We must find some other Charlie.

GRYTPYPE:
Another Charlie ayy?

MORIARTY:
Yep.

GRYTPYPE:
Well, arh, lets go into the throne room.

FX:
RATTLING OF DOOR KNOB.

BANNISTER:
Noooo.

GRYTPYPE:
Curse, somebody's in there.

SEAGOON:
Well, I better be going to bed now, it's way past nine o'clock you know.

GRYTPYPE:
No, no wait Neddie, wait! Ah, Just a moment, ah, mmm, mmm. Moriarty

MORIARTY:
What's this?

GRYTPYPE:
Moriarty this is the Charlie for the bomb plan.

MORIARTY:
What? But this idiot is English.

GRYTPYPE:
Is there any other kind? (going off) Now listen, what I have in mind is this: What you must do is ...

SEAGOON:
The two men finished whispering and then spoke.

GRYTPYPE:
Seagoon, take off that three-ply deer stalker.

SEAGOON:
There you are.

GRYTPYPE:
Good. Moriarty have a look at our English friend.

MORIARTY:
Arluuurgh (throwing up noises)

GRYTPYPE:
Precisely. But look at the birth mark on the lining of his hat.

MORIARTY:
Yah, it says 'mother'.

SEAGOON:
Oh that. I had it tattooed in at Portsmouth.

MORIARTY:
Sapriski Nuckoes. That is the royal birthmark of the Dimburghers.

SEAGOON:
Yes, I've been told that often.

MORIARTY:
Naturally. Your rightful place is on the throne.

SEAGOON:
Yes, but it's locked.

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you. Let me tell you a folklore. When you were but a month old, you were snatched from your cradle and an impostor was put in your place. And then ...

SEAGOON:
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes?

GRYTPYPE:
Please don't do that. Yes you poor lad were wrapped in a copy of the radio times and placed on the door step of a barber shop.

SEAGOON:
I know, I hated that barber.

GRYTPYPE:
He took you in didn't he?

SEAGOON:
Not till I was twenty three. By that time I was too big to step over.

GRYTPYPE:
Never the less, you are now the heir to the throne.

SEAGOON:
Me, Emperor of Austria-Hungeria? Ha ha ha ha.

GRYTPYPE:
Yes.

SEAGOON:
Oh, we'll have a grand time won't we? Ha ha ha ha. Wine and girls, and wine and girls, and girls and singing. (sings) Be my love, speak to me Thora, speak to me Thora ... Ha ha ha I'm King. huh, Good luck I'm King. ah ha. I must send a postcard to the lads, mustn't I.

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, yes, ...

SEAGOON:
Ha ha, (sings) mister what ya call 'er, what ya doing to night? I'm an emperor aren't we allllllllll?

GRYTPYPE:
You silly twisted boy you.

SEAGOON:
Well my loyal subject, where's the keys to the old royal purse ayy? hmmn hmmn hmmn hmmn. And while we’re giving orders. Get me a princess, ha ha ha humho oh ah (continues laughing under:)

MORIARTY:
Not , not so fast Crown Prince Charlie. Yes! Before we can take office, there is one little job you must do.

SEAGOON:
Just say the word.

MORIARTY:
Assassinate Crown Prince Arnold.

FX:
PAUSE.

SEAGOON:
(gulp)

FX:
CLATTER OF BODY FALLING TO FLOOR.

MORIARTY:
Stretcher bearer Geldray.

INTERVAL:
Max Geldray plays.

GREENSLADE:
The rightful heir part two. Until the plot to eliminate Crown Prince Arnold has been perfected, the rightful heir Ned Seagoon is kept in the gaesthaus of Fred Cafe. Bett und fruehstueck en zwei mark proprietor herr Crun.

SEAGOON:
Guten morgen herr alber.

CRUN:
Guten morgen mein hairy. Do you want breakfast now, or will you wait until it's ready?

SEAGOON:
Yes, six boiled eggs.

CRUN:
Errr, mnnrq, mnn Good, good, good, good. I'll just shout down the hatch. Frau Bannister?

BANNISTER:
(off) Ja vole buddy.

CRUN:
Sechs gekochte eier

BANNISTER:
(off) Sechs gekochte eier.

CRUN:
Kaffee mein hairy.

SEAGOON:
Yes.

BANNISTER:
(off) Kaffee mein hairy.

CRUN:
Und eine carfsa Kaffee.

BANNISTER:
Nmm yaka da bool ... un dine carff da coffee.

SEAGOON:
With milk.

CRUN:
Mit eine bitte milch.

BANNISTER:
(off) wid in bidnn milk.

CRUN:
Yup.

SEAGOON:
Oh, and di di, bread and butter.

CRUN:
Und brot mit butter.

BANNISTER:
Und breid mit butter mnn mnnn mnn.

CRUN:
Anything else?

SEAGOON:
No thank you.

CRUN:
Then I'll just go down into the kitchen.

SEAGOON:
Why?

CRUN:
Minnie doesn't understand German.

SEAGOON:
I sat back to read a picture of King Edward. I was just about to draw a moustache on the portrait ... when through the window ...

FX:
WINDOW SMASHING, FALLING GLASS

SEAGOON:
It was a stone with a man tied to it.

ECCLES:
Hullooo. Oh, it's good to be alive.

SEAGOON:
Who are you, you ragged idiot.

ECCLES:
I'm the famous Eccles and I've got a message for you.

SEAGOON:
Let me see.

FX:
UNSCRUNCHING PAPER

SEAGOON:
This paper is blank.

ECCLES:
I know, I've got to write the message on it. Now then what's your name.

SEAGOON:
Seagoon.

ECCLES:
Ok, 'Dear Seagoon, the man who is writing this note, has a message for you. Signed, signed, Eccles.' Dere, read that!

SEAGOON:
Is it for me?

ECCLES:
Let me see, is your name Seagoon?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

ECCLES:
Yup, it's for you, yup.

SEAGOON:
Who's it from?

ECCLES:
Um, who's it from, now, let me see um. Signed Enk, signed Enk, signed Enkles, no dats not it. Got da word here, got , I got it, I got it, I got, don't worry. Si.. Ohhh!, signed Eccles, it's, it's from me! Its from me.

SEAGOON:
Give it here, let me see it. 'Dowr Siegloon, Der mon roose nat lar fir grut olg folg marg, siginned Eccelis.'

ECCLES:
Huh ho, I made a right mess of that didn't I! Ha ha.

SEAGOON:
Never mind Caxton, it so happens I overheard you writing this note.

ECCLES:
Ohh, oh well, burn that note quick.

SEAGOON:
Why?

ECCLES:
I don't want people to think that I'm illiterate. Hu ho.

SEAGOON:
Why not? You have the personality to carry it off.

ECCLES:
Oh, You think so?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

ECCLES:
Oh, it's good to be alive! Good to be al...

SEAGOON:
Now, hurry up and give me that message.

ECCLES:
Oh yeh, you got to go to the castle of the imperial Hussars, and ask the commander for the secret parcel.

SEAGOON:
Secret parcel? Right!

ECCLES:
Yup. Well I'd better be off now. Goodbye.

SEAGOON:
Goodbye.

FX:
FOOTSTEPS, GETTING FASTER AND FASTER RUNNING AWAY.

SEAGOON:
Gad! I've never seen a mans boots move so fast.

ECCLES:
Neither have I, I had better run after them. Huh ho!

SEAGOON:
Wait, we'll come with you.

FX:
WHOOSH ... WHOOSH, WHOOSH WOOSH. DOOR CLOSES. (8 SECONDS OF SILENCE)

GREENSLADE:
Ladies and Gentlemen. We would like to explain the reason for that extended silence. It's quite simple. When Ned Seagoon, and the famous Eccles departed, the room was left empty. Hence the lack of sound, in case any of you have just switched on, here once again is the sound of an empty room.

FX:
(9 SECONDS OF SILENCE)

GREENSLADE:
Thank you. I leave you with the empty room.

FX:
DOOR OPENS.

CRUN:
Aarrr, ar er.

FX:
CUPS AND SAUCES BEING CLINKED. UNDER:

CRUN:
Come along Min.

BANNISTER:
I'm coming buddy, Coming, I'm coming buddy.

CRUN:
Well, here's your breakfast herr Seagoon.

BANNISTER:
Six sei zwei eggs, six eggs.

CRUN:
zweis eggs.

BANNISTER:
Six eggs in German.

CRUN:
Coffee mit milk, herr Seagoon.

BANNISTER:
With the milk, yes.

CRUN:
Yes.

BANNISTER:
Grapefruit buddy.

CRUN:
Got the grapefruit.

BANNISTER:
Got all the stuff. They got the salt for him Henry?

CRUN:
Yes, I got mnn…

BANNISTER:
He'll like this breakfast, it's loverly little....

CRUN:
It’s a beautiful breakfast Min.

BANNISTER:
I hope you enjoy it herr Seagoon. I, I do hope…

CRUN:
Well ...

BANNISTER:
I hope you enjoy it.

CRUN:
Bon appetitee herr Seagoon.

BANNISTER:
Bon appetite.

FX:
(2 SECOND PAUSE) DOOR CLOSED.

CRUN:
Min?

BANNISTER:
What Hen?

CRUN:
Herr Seagoon isn't here.

BANNISTER:
Perhaps he's gone out for some breakfast.

CRUN:
Yes, he must have gone out.

FX:
DOOR OPENED.

BANNISTER:
Lets have a look for him ....

CRUN:
Yes.

BANNISTER:
(off) Herr Seagoon?

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. PAUSE.

CRUN:
Herr ...

FX:
DOOR OPENED.

CRUN:
... Seagoon.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. PAUSE. DOOR OPENED.

BANNISTER:
(off) Herr Hairy Seagoon.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. PAUSE. DOOR OPENED.

CRUN:
Herr Seagoon?

FX:
DOOR CLOSED.

BANNISTER:
(off) Herr herr Seagoon? Herr herr ere ...

FX:
DOOR OPENED.

BANNISTER:
Herr Seagoon.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. DOOR OPENED.

BANNISTER:
Eeere Mn-Err, Hairy Seagoon.

FX:
DOOR OPENED.

CRUN:
Seagoooon?

BANNISTER:
Herr Seagoon?

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. PAUSE. DOOR OPENED AND CLOSED.

CRUN:
He's not here Min.

BANNISTER:
You mean I've cooked all this breakfast for nothing!

CRUN:
No Minnie, it wasn't my fault Min.

BANNISTER:
No Henry, I don't like this sort of mnn German espionage…

CRUN:
Naughty Minnie, don't lose you temper again.

FX:
SERIES OF BREAKING WINDOWS WITH MIN & CRUN ARGUING, PROGRESSES TO STAMPEDING RABBLE, DISTANT BUGLE CHARGE, DIVE BOMBER, MACHINE GUN, EXPLOSION, FALLING GLASS AND RUBBLE, YELLS FROM MIN.

CRUN:
Min, let's not start a quarrel.

BANNISTER:
I'm not quarrelling Henry, buddy, I'm not quarrelling

CRUN:
Do you mean that Min?

BANNISTER:
Yes I love you Henry buddy.

CRUN:
Well if you love me, put that piano down.

BANNISTER:
I didn't know I had it, you know I’m musi-musical.

CRUN:
Come along Min. Poor Hairy Seadune has gone without his breakfast we must go and…

BANNISTER:
… we must get him…

FX:
DOOR CLOSED.

GREENSLADE:
Little do they know that by now Seagoon has reached the castle of the Imperial Hussars.

SEAGOON:
Ahoooooy there in the castle.

BLOODNOK:
Crod me klerdler and hit me naughty splew. That sounds like him, Charlie the First. Tallula?

ELLINGTON:
Yes sir?

BLOODNOK:
Lower the drawbridge.

ELLINGTON:
Ying tong iddle i po.

BLOODNOK & SEAGOON:
Good!

FX:
RATTLE OF CHAINS.

BLOODNOK:
Right, come across.

SEAGOON:
I can't, it's on me foot.

BLOODNOK:
Well raise it a bit.

FX:
CHAINS.

BLOODNOK:
Come on in.

FX:
SPLASH.

BLOODNOK:
Moddle me steaming chuff. Two feet off the ground and he walks under it!

SEAGOON:
(off) Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!

BLOODNOK:
Lower it.

FX:
CHAINS. CRASH.

SEAGOON:
Ohhhh, my bonce!

BLOODNOK:
You know it just isn't his day that's all.

SEAGOON:
You fool, oooh. Do you realise that I'm Crown Prince Neddie?

BLOODNOK:
Crown Prince Nurgle?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

BLOODNOK:
What? Ohh, please Neddie, forgive an old campaigner, I'll go to me room and I'll shoot meself.

ELLINGTON:
You can shoot yourself out here.

BLOODNOK:
What?! Do you want me to catch death of cold? No, I'll do it in my room like a soldier and a man. Sire could you lend me a pistol?

SEAGOON:
No.

BLOODNOK:
A dagger?

SEAGOON:
No.

BLOODNOK:
A sword?

SEAGOON:
No.

BLOODNOK:
Ten bob?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

BLOODNOK:
Good, I'll borrow that. Honour is satisfied. Unseal the NAAFI. Now your highness, the secret parcel here is for you.

SEAGOON:
(straining) Nggaaahhh Nnngh Awl awl!. It's heavy isn't it?

BLOODNOK:
(off) I'm still holding on to it!

BLOODNOK:
Oh, now, now, this is to be placed in the bed of that impostor ... Crown Prince Arnold. But first, pull up a portcullis and listen to Gladys Ellington.

INTERVAL:
Ellington Sings "Give me your word your love will never die."

SEAGOON:
Disguising myself as a chamber maid, I took the secret parcel into the bedroom of Crown Prince Arnold. Three hours later I managed to get out. My disguise had been too perfect!

GRYTPYPE:
Ahhhh, Crown Prince Neddie.

SEAGOON:
Colonel Grytpype. I put the parcel in his bed. What is in it?

GRYTPYPE:
A time bomb.

SEAGOON:
But isn't that dangerous?

GRYTPYPE:
Only when it explodes. Now what you have to do is rouse the villagers.

SEAGOON:
Are they asleep?

GRYTPYPE:
No more than usual. Moriarty, a horse for the Crown Prince nnn.

MORIARTY:
That's a fair swap.

SEAGOON:
Right. I'm off to rally the villages around my banner. Gid-up there.

FX:
GALLOPING HOOVES OVER:

GRAMS:
CHASE MUSIC.

FX:
(GRAMS STOP) HOOVES COME TO A STOP (SLIDING NOISE). QUICK KNOCK ON DOOR. DOOR OPENED.

THROAT:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
We revolt tonight.

THROAT:
Right.

FX:
DOOR CLOSES. GALLOPING. KNOCKING ON DOOR. DOOR OPENED.

MATE:
Yes sir?

SEAGOON:
We revolt tonight.

MATE:
Oh, Good luck.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. GALLOPING. KNOCKING. DOOR OPENED QUICKLY.

SEAGOON:
We revolt tonight.

MATE:
Blimey, you back again?

SEAGOON:
Right, gid-up.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. GALLOPING (SHORT DISTANCE). KNOCKING. DOOR OPENED.

BANNISTER:
Arhhh, your breakfast is ready.

SEAGOON:
Not now. We're starting the revolution.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. GALLOPING. QUICK KNOCK. DOOR OPENED.

SEAGOON:
Yes.

MATE:
We revolt tonight.

SEAGOON:
We revolt tonight? Oh, I must warn the villagers.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. GALLOPING. DOOR KNOCKING. OPENED DOOR.

SEAGOON:
We revolt tonight.

MATE:
Look here mate, don't keep picking on me, try that house over there.

FX:
DOOR CLOSED. GALLOPING. KNOCK. DOOR OPENED.

MATE:
We revolt tonight.

SEAGOON:
Look here don't keep picking on me, try that house over there.

MATE:
Right mate.

SEAGOON:
By the way is that phone call for me?

MATE:
Which one?

FX:
PHONE RINGING.

SEAGOON:
That one.

MATE:
Pick it up and see.

SEAGOON:
Hello, hello?

MATE:
(distort) We revolt tonight.

SEAGOON:
Thank you.

FX:
GALLOPING. KNOCKING. DOOR OPENED.

SEAGOON:
Yes?

BANNISTER:
We'll have breakfast tonight.

SEAGOON:
Where's my revolution.

MATE:
Excuse me.

SEAGOON:
Certainly.

GRAMS:
SLOW DANCE MUSIC.

GRYTPYPE:
We just don't care do we?

GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile in the bedroom of the Crown Prince it is two minutes to nine.

FX:
LOUD TICKING OF TIME BOMB OVER: DOOR OPENS. MOUTH NOISES, LIGHT SNORING, SIGHS, SMACKING OF LIPS, SNORING, EXPLOSION.

SEAGOON:
That's it, he's gone!

FX:
DOOR OPENED.

GRYTPYPE:
Something has gone wrong with our plans, I've had news that the Crown Prince left for Switzerland this morning.

SEAGOON:
But who was in his bed?

BLUEBOTTLE:
You rotten swines you!!

ORCHESTRA:
Theme tune up and down under:

GREENSLADE:
That was the Goon Show, a recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Eric Sykes and Spike Milligan. Announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Peter Eton.

ORCHESTRA:
To end of theme tune.


Notes:
"Gaesthaus of Fred Cafe. Bett und fruehstueck en zwei mark proprietor herr Crun." translates as "Guesthouse Fred Cafe. Bed and breakfast two marks, proprietor mister Crun."

Caxton is the man who made the first printing press.

"Tallula" is possibly a reference to Tallula Bankhead (1902-1968), an exotic American actress with a spicy private life.