Goon Show Script

Personal Narrative

Series 7, Episode 8

First Broadcast 22 November 1956. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Transcribed by Tony Wills. Corrections by thegoonshow.net


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 5

[CD Box Set from Amazon]



GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC. We present!

NARRATOR:
The Personal Narrative of Captain Neddie Seagoon RN. A jolly jack tar in the employ of His Majesty's Navy.

FX:
Wooden ship noises in background (sea, rigging)

SEADOG1:
Moby Dick on the Bernard Miles. Arrrrggg.

ORCHESTRA:
Nautical Theme.

FX:
Wooden ship noises in background (sea, rigging)

SEADOG1:
(seadog sounding gibberish)

SEADOG2:
(Secombe) (seadog sounding gibberish)

SEAGOON:
Log of HMS Resolute 18th of May 1662. Squalls all day. Child must be teething. Position Nor Nor East of Dover. Heard a knock at the door.

FX:
3 knocks on light wooden door.

SEAGOON:
Said come in.

COBBLERS:
Oh, er, captain mate RN. I've er, I've just spotted someone in the crows nest.

SEAGOON:
Really?

COBBLERS:
Yer, yer. And 'es spotted something on the horizon.

SEAGOON:
Describe it.

COBBLERS:
Well, er, it was a big long thing made of wood, sharp at one end, blunt at the other. With sailors on it.

SEAGOON:
A ship!

COBBLERS:
I thought it were, but only I, well I didn't like talking out of turn.

SEAGOON:
Whose turn was it?

COBBLERS:
Your'n. That's why I let you say it mate, RN.

SEAGOON:
Thank you mate RN. You say they're made of wood eh?

COBBLERS:
Yer, yer.

SEAGOON:
Hand me my telescope.

COBBLERS:
Here.

SEAGOON:
Mmmn, mnnm. Yes. That's wood alright.

COBBLERS:
You're looking at the inside of our cabin, mate.

SEAGOON:
So I am. What a silly RN. Open the porthole Willium.

COBBLERS:
Eh?

SEAGOON:
Open the porthole Willium, from the inside.

COBBLERS:
Oh.

SEAGOON:
I just like to make these points clear, you understand.

FX:
Twang.

SEAGOON:
Thank you. Gad, you're right Willium, it is a ship. It's Dutch.

COBBLERS:
You sure?

SEAGOON:
Certainly, it's wearing clogs. Captain Lawnmower?

LAWN:
I, I, Aye sir?

SEAGOON:
Yes, you sir.

LAWN:
Oh.

SEAGOON:
These Dutch ships, find out where they come from.

LAWN:
I'll just look it up sir.

FX:
Rifling through large number of pages.

LAWN:
Ah, um, 'd'. Ah, Dutch come from Holland sir.

SEAGOON:
Foreigners! Gentlemen, keep my dinner warm, I'm going to inform the Admirality. Goodbye.

FX:
Foot steps trotting off. Splash.

MORIARTY:
Pssssst. Grytpype.

GRYTPYPE:
Yes?

MORIARTY:
How long must we hide in this reeking powder barrel.

GRYTPYPE:
Not long now Moriarty.

MORIARTY:
Owww.

GRYTPYPE:
Seagoon's heading for London. We've got to stop him.

MAX:
Perquoise.

GRYTPYPE:
Piquoise? This Dutch spy, Max von Geldray, crouching behind you, says that the Hollanders will pay ten thousand gelders if we can sabotage the British fleet. That's what you said didn't you?

MAX:
Ik loop terug voor kerstmis over de Ierse Zee, hey! Hi! (*1)

MORIARTY:
What did he say. What did he say.

GRYTPYPE:
I don't know, but there you are. He's offering five thousand gelders if we can stop Seagoon.

MORIARTY:
Let's go, ar~~~

FX:
Two sets of footsteps running away. Splash.

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link.

FX:
Crickets (5 secs by themselves then under rest of scene, slowly fading out)

GRYTPYPE:
My moon dial says it's nearly midnight. Any sign of him yet?

MORIARTY:
No, but he has got to go past here. This is the only road that runs direct between his ship and London.

GRYTPYPE:
Is he coming by road?

MORIARTY:
No. By horse. I tell you he's got to pass this point! I've spent all day sharpening it.

GRYTPYPE:
Never mind the needle nardle noo. Have you prepared Captain Seagoon RN's fatal accident.

MORIARTY:
Or, i, orr. Yes, yes, I have. Yes, I've stretched fourteen trip wires across the road.

GRYTPYPE:
Supposing the horse jumps them?

MORIARTY:
Then the riders head will come in contact with a hundred tonne iron girder suspended from a twig.

GRYTPYPE:
I see, I see. But what if he misses both?

MORIARTY:
Arrr. Then there's a hundred and fifty foot deep pit, full of deep water.

GRYTPYPE:
Trip wires, iron girder, deep pit with deep water. It's fool proof, Moriarty.

MORIARTY:
Of course it is, of course it is!

GRYTPYPE:
Yes.

MORIARTY:
Ssh, ssh. Huc huc heeck. Here he comes now.

FX:
Rapidly galloping coconut shells approaching and passing.

FX:
silence.

GRYTPYPE:
It didn't work.

MORIARTY:
Of course not, that wasn't Captain Seagoon RN.

GRYTPYPE:
Then where the devil is he?

SEAGOON:
I'm in London.

GRYTPYPE:
Quick after him.

FX:
Galloping coconut shells ... Twang. Clang clatter, Splash, treading water noises.

MORIARTY & GRYTPYPE:
Oh, ho hi ho.

MORIARTY:
Sapristi, what fool put trip wires, and iron girder and deep water in our way?

GRYTPYPE:
Help me dismount Moriarty.

MORIARTY:
Why?

GRYTPYPE:
My horse can only swim on his back.

MORIARTY:
Let me get his bathing costume on.

FX:
Slashing through water, grumbling.

GREENSLADE:
In London, mean time an important meeting at the Admiralty is in session.

OMNES:
background mumbling - naval rhubarb etc.

ADMIRAL1:
(Milligan) My Lords, RN. This courier brings a message from Sir Richard Grenville, RN, who needs help, desssssperately.

BLOODNOK:
Oh, and what is the message, my man?

ECCLES:
I have run fifty miles, (audience applause) thank you, thank you, thank you members of the Admiralty. Now then, I said I have run fifty miles til I'm out of breath. I have run all the way in the face of death. I have run through the rain and snow and hail, to deliver this message without fail. I have run since early December ...

BLOODNOK:
But what's the message?

ECCLES:
I can't remember.

BLOODNOK:
Look here. Do an impression of a hole and we'll fill you in later. Next.

SEAGOON:
Sir, RN, that ship on the van trump and van driver is in the Channel.

ADMIRAL1:
(Milligan) Ohhoho, I don't know what to do about that.

ADMIRAL2:
(Sellers) England is in danger.

ADMIRAL1:
What! This is serious, my Lords, RN. We'll have to build a battleship, RN.

ADMIRAL3:
(Sellers, flowerdew) My lords, RN. As for sea lords, RN, it's nothing to do with me, but no, we've already got a battleship somewhere, but I can't think, um, I know, I had a picture of it in my bedroom.

ADMIRAL1:
Splendid! But where is it?

ADMIRAL3:
Hanging over the wash stand.

SEAGOON:
Gentlemen, RN, my Lord, RN, is right. We have got a battleship, I know, I drive it.

ADMIRAL2:
Then have you got a license sir?

SEAGOON:
Only a provisional one.

ADMIRAL1:
Oheeeohh.

SEAGOON:
So we must attack the Dutch before it expires.

ADMIRAL1:
Very well. The signal for you to open fire, will be a bonfire lit on Nags Head. Now report back to your ship and water. Meantime Max Geldray.

MUSICAL INTERVAL:
Max Geldray plays ...

ORCHESTRA:
Naval Theme.

FX:
Seamen calling.

FX:
Thump, whistle and explosion.

ECCLES:
Oh oww owww.

FX:
whistle, explosion. Typing on typewriter.

SEAGOON:
Nineteenth of May Sixteen Fifty Two - Under fire from Dutch ship. Am waiting for beacon on mainland to signal for me to retaliate.

FX:
rattle of door knob, door opens.

BLOODNOK:
Captain Seagoon, I've just spliced the main brace, fortunately I didn't tell the crew.

SEAGOON:
Splendid news. I've got bad news.

BLOODNOK:
What?

SEAGOON:
The Dutch have been joined by another ship.

BLOODNOK:
Two?

SEAGOON:
Yes.

BLOODNOK:
We're surrounded. What flag are they flying?

SEAGOON:
A white one with an onion on it.

BLOODNOK:
Spaniards! Oh, well, ... let 'em all come and then we'll all go.

SEAGOON:
Go? Retreat? Admiral Bloodnok, you're a miserable coward.

BLOODNOK:
Nonsense, I'm a perfectly happy one, do you hear?

FX:
Thump/explosion of cannon ball.

BLOODNOK:
Oh!

SEAGOON:
Blast!

BLOODNOK:
Oh!

SEAGOON:
Why don't they light that beacon? If these Dutch close with us, we'll be caught with our pants down.

BLOODNOK:
I know. What's holding them up?

SEAGOON:
My braces. What's holding yours up?

BLOODNOK:
Me!

ORCHESTRA:
Corny chord and cymbal snap.

BLOODNOK & SEAGOON:
Thank you.

SEAGOON:
Now for further news of the beacon lighting, over to the mainland.

FX:
6 rapid knocks on door, the much fumbling with door knob, creak of door opening, pause.

CRUN:
Yes, yes sir, yes.

RIDER:
(Secombe - welsh accent) Could you tell us where the beacon lighter lives, please?

CRUN:
Number eighteen A, Gallows Lane.

RIDER:
Is ar, is that on this side of the street?

CRUN:
(quietly) Yes it is.

RIDER:
Thank you, thank you. Gidup there, gidup.

FX:
Horse galloping away (fade out), pause, fade in horse returning, and stopping.

RIDER:
Whoooaa!

FX:
5 knocks, door opened.

CRUN:
Yes?

RIDER:
Is this eighteen A, Gallows Lane?

CRUN:
Yes. I told you it was on this side of the street.

RIDER:
I'd like to have words with the official beacon lighter. Very urgent.

CRUN:
Urgent, yes. Just a minute. Minnie?

BANNISTER:
Just a minute I've got to get, I've got to get my teeth in. (lip smacking noises) What is it Crun? What is it?

CRUN:
Call the, call the beacon lighter Min.

BANNISTER:
Ohhh dear, Sebastiannnnn?

SEBASTIAN:
(Ellington) Yeah!

BANNISTER:
Call the beacon lighter Sebastian.

SEBASTIAN:
Gladys?

GLADYS:
(Greenslade, female) Yes darling?

SEBASTIAN:
Call the beacon lighter.

GLADYS:
Beacon lighter, there's someone at the door for you.

CRUN:
I know, I opened for him. Now sir, do you wish the beacon lighten?

RIDER:
Aye, and ahhh hurry!

CRUN:
I'll prepare the, the vital ignitions. Minnie?

BANNISTER:
What, what, what is it I ... I put my teeth in the water again ...

CRUN:
Put them back in, I can't ...

BANNISTER:
(lip smacking, then cuuc cuuc cuuc) Oh, what do you want now?

CRUN:
Where are the, the, the matches Min?

BANNISTER:
Albert's got them.

CRUN:
Albert?

BANNISTER:
Yeh.

CRUN:
(calls) Albert!

BANNISTER:
(echos) Alberrrrrrrrrrt.

CRUN:
Alberrrrrttttt.

BANNISTER:
Alberrrrrt.

GREENSLADE:
Albert!

SEBASTIAN:
Albert.

(all carry on calling Albert)

(pause)

RIDER:
Why doesn't he answer?

CRUN:
He's in Africa.

RIDER:
Has nobody got a match then?

MORIARTY:
(guttural noises) Gentlemen, I happened to over hear your conversation as I was passing in that tree. Allow, allow me, Count Jim Thighs Moriarty ...

SEAGOON:
Ahfewafew!

MORIARTY:
... To loan you this genuine box of wooden matches. Fifty in number, packed in a little box, with a merry joke on the back. Huho.

FX:
scrape of box being passed over

CRUN:
Thank you, I'll, I'll, I'll get ready then.

MORIARTY:
(whispers) Got 'em.

BANNISTER:
You mustn't go out without a cooked meal Henry.

CRUN:
Why not Min?

BANNISTER:
You must have a lining to your stomach.

CRUN:
I've got a ...

RIDER:
There's no time for linings, I've cleaned my teeth twice a day.

BANNISTER & CRUN:
talking together

RIDER:
Come on, get on the horse. I've got room on the crossbar for both of you. Gid up there, come on.

FX:
Sped up horse galloping away faster & faster, cries from min & crun.

GRYTPYPE:
Moriarty?

MORIARTY:
Owww.

GRYTPYPE:
Did you dampen those matches?

MORIARTY:
Of course, I put them in my pocket and stood in a lake all night. I'm no fool you know.

GRYTPYPE:
But there was no need to go THAT far. Right lets collect the fifteen thousand gelders.

MORIARTY:
Owwww, come on now let's get it.

ORCHESTRA:
urgent link then nautical.

FX:
seamen calls.

FX:
thump, whistle, boooommm

BLOODNOK:
Arghhhoooo. Scuttle me galley clogs. Half me rigging shot away. Oh, and me britches at half mast.

SEAGOON:
You can't walk the decks in that exposed condition, get in this barrel.

BLOODNOK:
It's your turn in the barrel I say.

IRISH:
Pardon me sir! Pardon me sir. There's a fire in number three hold.

BLOODNOK:
I'll come right away, it's freezing up here.

SEAGOON:
Right, everything under control. I've put two special lookouts in the crows nest to watch out for the beacon.

FX:
howl of wind, creaking of rigging, clank of chains.

FX:
lapping of sea, occasional clink of chains under:

BLUEBOTTLE:
Can you see anything Eccles?

ECCLES:
Yer, I can see anything.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh? What can you see now then?

ECCLES:
I'll just get my telescope now. Ah, I can see you.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ohh, RN, I can't.

ECCLES:
Oh well, you stand over here and look through this telescope and an' you'll see.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ok.

ECCLES:
There!

FX:
two foot falls.

BLUEBOTTLE:
I still can't see.

ECCLES:
What? Give me that telescope.

BLUEBOTTLE:
There.

ECCLES:
Ohhh. He's gone, he's gone you know. He's gone.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes.

ECCLES & BLUEBOTTLE:
He's gone!

ECCLES:
(sings) Ah, life on the ocean waves, Ah life on the ocean waves, I didle i dum diddle i. I got me legs to keep me warm.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Eccles ...

ECCLES:
Yes.

BLUEBOTTLE:
RN, do you like being up here in the crows nest?

ECCLES:
Yeh! It's fine.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes.

ECCLES:
Yah.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Being in the crows nest ...

BLUEBOTTLE & ECCLES:
Is fine.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Eccles?

ECCLES:
Yah.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Why did you join the Navy?

ECCLES:
I needed the money.

BLUEBOTTLE:
What for?

ECCLES:
To buy myself out.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh ho!

ECCLES:
I've been forty two years in the Navy now and I've been saving all the time.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Cor (sniff) You must have travelled.

ECCLES:
I've travelled.

BLUEBOTTLE:
You're a man of the world!

ECCLES:
I've had visions.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh?

ECCLES:
No, RN.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Here Eccles?

ECCLES:
Yah.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Have you ever been out with women in grass skirts?

ECCLES:
No, I'm not allowed to wear 'em. Ha ha.

ELLINGTON:
Hey, ok fellas ...

ECCLES:
Oh.

ELLINGTON:
seven bells ...

ECCLES:
What, what, what.

ELLINGTON:
and it's my turn in the crows nest.

ECCLES:
Oh your turn in the ...

ELLINGTON:
(sings) Keeper of the cardboard cow, (normal) cor blimey.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Why! It's Ray Ellington RN.

ECCLES:
Oh.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Give us a nautical songgg with a sailor type man.

MUSICAL INTERVAL:
Ray Ellington sings - "One and one and two plus two, that's right ...

FX:
Howling winds under:

BANNISTER:
Oh.

FX:
Removal of match from box, striking of match on abrasive surface

FX:
match from box.

CRUN:
Dear, dear.

FX:
Striking of match.

BANNISTER:
Oh dear, I don't know where the drafts coming from but I know where it's going to. Never, we'll never ...

FX:
match from box

BANNISTER:
Never get this beacon lit ...

FX:
Striking of match

BANNISTER:
Henry.

CRUN:
No we, we ..

FX:
Striking of match

BANNISTER:
Never.

FX:
Striking of match.

CRUN:
Never come out without a cooked meal you know.

FX:
match from box.

BANNISTER:
You should have a lining to your stomach.

FX:
striking match.

CRUN:
Yes, and these matches won't light.

BANNISTER:
What!

FX:
striking match.

BANNISTER:
Oh, they appear to be damp.

RIDER:
Hurry up, the dawns coming up, like thunder, like a veloch out of the bay, you can't do this to me, look here ...

BANNISTER:
Oh.

RIDER:
... And when it does, them Dutch will open fire on Captain Seagoon.

BANNISTER:
Oh.

RIDER:
They can't miss him at that range.

CRUN:
Nobody could miss him at any range.

FX:
Striking match.

CRUN:
Ohhh. Oh dear what's the matter ...

FX:
Striking match.

BANNISTER:
Use the power of your arms ...

FX:
Striking match.

BANNISTER:
in striking.

CRUN:
I can't ...

RIDER:
Are you striking them right?

CRUN:
What!

FX:
Striking match.

CRUN:
I studied match striking under mister Guy Fawkes.

RIDER:
Are there any instructions on the box?

CRUN:
Yes, it's on the back here. "Conundrum- To you, how do you make a Maltese Cross? A - Stick a lighted match in his ear."

BANNISTER:
Look, look Henry, the beacon's taken fire.

CRUN:
Ohhwww.

BANNISTER:
Ohww.

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link.

FX:
creaking of rigging, howling wind, chains.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Captain, captain, they've litted the beacon on Nags Head.

SEAGOON:
Poor animal. Right Bluebottle, fire the gun.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Bang, boom, blun, blun.

SEAGOON:
Stringy North Finchley Lad, why don't you fire the cannons?

BLUEBOTTLE:
The matches is damp.

SEAGOON:
Damp?! Where did you get 'em from?!

BLUEBOTTLE:
That nice gentleman standing in the lake.

SEAGOON:
What! (calls) You there! Come out from behind the water.

MORIARTY:
Don't shoot, I'm not well.

SEAGOON:
You don't deserve to be.

SEAGOON:
You're not Well? Then who are you?

MORIARTY:
Interpreter, tell him who I am in interpret.

MAX:
Hij is de bekende man van de Nederlandse radio omroep, Hilversum een! (*2)

SEAGOON:
A Dutchman, a Dutchman, drop that tulip.

GRYTPYPE:
He'll, he'll do no such thing Neddie.

MORIARTY:
Owww.

GRYTPYPE:
You've got two minutes to abandon ship.

SEAGOON:
You mean ... you lit a powder trail in the hold?

GRYTPYPE:
So you've read the book as well?

SEAGOON:
Yes. We'll soon get a brave seaman to extinguish it. Bluebottle?

BLUEBOTTLE:
I've gone home captain. I'm on passion leave, there was jam for tea.

SEAGOON:
That's next week. Here, take this cup of water and put the fuse out (fades).

BLUEBOTTLE:
(off) Ohh captain.

ECCLES:
(off) Come on let's do it now, come on ...

GREENSLADE:
Is Moriarty lying? Has Grytpype really lit a powder trail in the hold? Will Bluebottle extinguish it in time? Listen again next week when you'll hear ...

FX:
Massive explosion, crash and thunder, finishing with falling odd blocks

BLUEBOTTLE:
Arrrrggghhh oh ho ho. You rotten swine you! Why've you started that lark again.

SEAGOON:
It's only a game lad.

BLUEBOTTLE:
I don't like that game.

SEAGOON:
You've got your head on back to front.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh ho ho, ohhhh.

ORCHESTRA:
Theme tune.

GREENSLADE:
That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the program produced by Pat Dixon.

ORCHESTRA:
Play out.


Notes:
1) Translation:
"I'm walking back for Christmas across the Irish Sea" - Based on the Milligan song "I'm walking backwards for Christmas, across the Irish Sea"

2) Translation:
"He is the well know man from Dutch radio broadcasting, Hilversum 1"

In the early days of radio, little children were often told that there was a little man inside the radio (het mannetje van de radio, (the little man in the radio)). I think he is referring to that. Hilversum 1 was one of the two Dutch radio stations in the fifties. Hilversum is a city between Amsterdam and Utrecht, where most of the Dutch broadcasting organisations are based.