Goon Show Script

What's My Line?

Series 7, Episode 10

First broadcast 5th December 1956. Written by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, produced by Pat Dixon. Transcribed by Tony Wills. Minor adjustments by thegoonshow.net


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 5

[CD Box Set from Amazon]



GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Home Service.

SECOMBE:
Mr Greenslade, don't you get fatigued with saying that?

GREENSLADE:
Fronkly I do.

SECOMBE:
Then why don't you do something about it Bunter?

GREENSLADE:
I have, (conspiratorially) you know when I said "This is the BBC Home Service"?

SECOMBE:
Yes.

GREENSLADE:
Well, at the same time I was thinking "Long live the ITV"

FX:
Marching boots under:

SECOMBE:
What's this? What is it?

GRAMS:
(Snagge) BBC sharpshooters halt.

FX:
Marching halts, standing to attention.

GRAMS:
(Snagge) Take aim. (2 sec pause) Fire.

FX:
Rifle shot and echo.

GREENSLADE:
Owch, sir.

GRAMS:
(Snagge) So perish all enemies of the Queen.

SECOMBE:
So Greenslade, you were all enemies of the Queen. On your feet now, come on. That was only a recording of John Snagge and his merry huntsmen. hmm, hmm, ha, ha. Now remove that fake bullet hole and replace it with an announcement. Go on Wal boy, give us the old kiliken-speil, oioioio.

GREENSLADE:
Well tonight, the gin-shaw brings you a dramatised version of "What's My Line".

HERN:
Yes folks, welcome to "What's My Line".

ORCHESTRA:
scratchy violin link

HERN:
Thank you Eugene Goossens (*2) and welcome to What's My Line folks. Now you all know the rules, so here they are again. Several competitors will sign in an do some mime as a clue to his or her occupation. For the first correct answer the prize will be sixty four. And now will the first competitor sign in please.

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard

SEAGOON:
Neddie ...

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard

SEAGOON:
Seagooon

GRAMS:
Massed cheers and whistles

HERN:
Mr Eddie Neecroon. Now sir, will you stand in this revolving bath and do a mime.

SEAGOON:
By all means. My mime starts when I was a student of archaeology at the Royal Naval College of Music ...

OMNES:
(Massed chatter 6 secs) Hern, hern, hern, hern, hern, hern ...

SPRIGGS:
(over hubub) Quiet.

OMNES:
(stop)

SPRIGGS:
Quiet boys. Now here is your oral examiner to examine your orals.

OMNES:
Oh oi oh oh oi

SPRIGGS:
Please, will he now sign in.

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard

MILLIGAN:
I know that face.

GRYTPYPE:
Hercules Gryte-type Thyne.

ORCHESTRA:
noisy brass fanfare

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you music students. And now my mime is this. You lad, who wrote "The Yellow Road of Texas"?

SEAGOON:
I'm sorry sir, I can't sneak on a friend.

GRYTPYPE:
Wrong.

MILLIGAN:
Give them time, give them time.

GRYTPYPE:
Second question. When did you last see your father.

SEAGOON:
When I had my glasses on.

GRYTPYPE:
Wrong. It's a picture.

SEAGOON:
Where's it showing.

GRYTPYPE:
At the blue hall, Islington.

SEAGOON:
Is there a matinee today?

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, but they're only showing whistlers mother.

SEAGOON:
Ah, musical.

GRYTPYPE:
Ah, Mr Spriggs, what instrument is this lad studying?

SPRIGGS:
Neddie lad, play something nice for the gentlemon.

FX:
thud, thud

SPRIGGS:
Hark at that, sir.

FX:
thud

SPRIGGS:
Hark at that.

GRYTPYPE:
This lad has the gift of melody! Melody divine!

SPRIGGS:
It is indeed.

GRYTPYPE:
Play it in a different key, boy!

FX:
thud, thud, thud

GRYTPYPE:
Yes...

FX:
thud

GRYTPYPE:
Stop, stop, please.

FX:
thud

GRYTPYPE:
Stop.

SPRIGGS:
Please, stop Neddie, the gentleman is overcome.

FX:
hollow thud

GRYTPYPE:
Do you know, I find that tune quite touching. What was it?

FX:
thud, thud, thud, ...

SEAGOON:
(sings, off tune, high pitched winey nasal voice) Ah ~~~ over the waves are the loveliest night of the year. Stars shining ~~~ you almost can touch them from here ... (*1)

GRYTPYPE:
Wonderful, wonderful. Neddie.

SPRIGGS:
Quiet, quiet please students, I know you love melody.

GRYTPYPE:
Neddie, come over here, come over here. Please, please.

FX:
Running footsteps, getting closer and slowing to a stop.

GRYTPYPE:
You shouldn't sit so far away, lad.

SEAGOON:
I don't mind, except when it rains.

GRYTPYPE:
Why?

SEAGOON:
I'm outside.

GRYTPYPE:
Don't you find it difficult to follow what the teacher's saying?

SEAGOON:
Oh, no - I can't hear him.

GRYTPYPE:
I do wish there were more idiots like you.

SEAGOON:
But there are more idiots like me... AREN'T THERE?

ECCLES:
Yah!

(Audience laughs)

ECCLES:
Stop stop stop stop.

GRYTPYPE:
Great spon of nukes, that voice, that bearing. You're not Sir Malcolm Sargeant.

ECCLES:
You're right, you're dead right you know, I'm not Sir Malcolm Sargeant. I'm, I'm a student in this school. I'm studying to play the telephone in 'E' flat.

GRYTPYPE:
In that case, you'd better sign in.

ECCLES:
Ok.

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard under:

ECCLES:
Mister ... E ... eh ... eh ... how do you spell that, Eccles?

GRYTPYPE:
Double C, L E S.

ECCLES:
Mister T F Eh, double C L E S

GRYTPYPE:
"T F"?

ECCLES:
"The Famous"

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you, now just er, just step into this dangerous street and do your mime.

ECCLES:
Thank you ...

FX:
Open street door, road traffic noises

ECCLES:
Ahhhhh

FX:
Close door.

GRYTPYPE:
And now will the next challenger sign in please.

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard

GELDRAY:
Max Geldray. Plugeee, plugeee.

INTERVAL:
Max Geldray plays - "C-Jam Blues"

SEAGOON:
Thank you. Well, did anyone guess Max Geldray's line?

ECCLES:
Ah, mouth organ player.

SEAGOON:
Ah ha, ha, ha. No, no, although I admit he certainly tried to give that impression. Hmm, hmm, hmm. So, would the next challenger sign in please.

FX:
Chalk writing on blackboard under:

MORIARTY:
Ahh, Count Jim Thighs Moriarty. Count of ten, second Baron lands and Marquis de la refreshments.

SEAGOON:
Well Count, do your mime.

MORIARTY:
Right. My mime is this - Grytpype I have an urgent message from Bloodnok! He wants the number of a good tailor.

GRYTPYPE:
Why?

MORIARTY:
He's in a phone box. Naked!

GRYTPYPE:
Naked? Why did he remove his nether garments?

MORIARTY:
They were filthy buddy.

GRYTPYPE:
Gentlemen, this is a job for the police laundry.

SEAGOON:
Impossible sir. Bloodnok's on the laundry banned list.

GRYTPYPE:
Why?

SEAGOON:
He plays in the laundry band!

MILLIGAN:
Tada!

ORCHESTRA:
Cymbal crash.

SEAGOON:
I don't wish to know that.

MILLIGAN:
They forgot their instruments.

SEAGOON:
Apart from that, they discovered the truth about those nicotine stains on his shirt.

GRYTPYPE:
You mean ...?

SEAGOON:
Yes, they were hand painted.

HERN:
Well folks as nobodies guessed Moriarty's line yet, will the next challenger sign in please.

FX:
Chalk writing rapidly on blackboard under:

CRUN:
Ahh, rr der

BANNISTER:
They were hand painted you know.

CRUN:
Hand Painted they were. Henry Crun.

BANNISTER:
And Miss Minnie Bannister.

SEAGOON:
Will you both do your mime?

CRUN:
Yes, yes certainly ...

SEAGOON:
Thank you.

CRUN:
we will, yes. Our mime.

BANNISTER:
Yes our, our mime.

CRUN:
Yes, our mime.

BANNISTER:
Ymmmm ...

CRUN:
I'll say it Min.

BANNISTER:
You'll say it.

CRUN:
The mime is ...

BANNISTER:
(repeating over crun)the mime ...

BANNISTER:
... what, you do it.

CRUN:
Miss Bannister ...

BANNISTER:
What? what?

CRUN:
Weigh this telegram, on the official Post Office scale.

BANNISTER:
Ok buddy.

FX:
thump, thump, thump, thump

BANNISTER:
It doesn't weigh anything at all.

CRUN:
Well, put a four ounce weight on it.

BANNISTER:
Ok. Ohhhh ...

CRUN:
What, what, what?

BANNISTER:
Now it weighs four ounces.

CRUN:
Then it will need a tuppenny stamp.

BANNISTER:
Ah there, now where's that messenger boy?

SEAGOON:
Here I am, under this wig.

CRUN:
Well do a mime of getting on your motorbike and posting this telegram at once!

SEAGOON:
Wouldn't it go quicker by phone?

CRUN:
I didn't know you could travel by phone! Ahhahaha, Ohhohoho, Ahhohoho, Ahahahaha Ohhoho haha! Oh dear, dear, dear. Did you- Hahaha Ohhoho, did you awowawoha, did you hear my joke, Min?

BANNISTER:
Hahaha... Yes,

CRUN:
Hohohoho

BANNISTER:
Hahahaha Yes, yes, I, I, I heard it, Henry.

CRUN:
Was it funny, Min?

BANNISTER:
No.

CRUN:
All that laughing for nothing.

BANNISTER:
You, didn't you get anything for it?

CRUN:
Not a penny. Still, we do have fun you know Min.

BANNISTER:
Yes, Henry, yes I ...

CRUN:
Working in the P O.

BANNISTER:
You must remember that the Post Office has a handle to its name.

CRUN:
Oh yes.

SEAGOON:
(cracks up laughing)

BANNISTER:
... We must thank the lord chamberlain for it.

CRUN:
And the postmaster you know, I um ...

BANNISTER:
And I'm, I'm the register of parcels, Henry.

CRUN:
What?

BANNISTER:
And the register of ... come over here.

CRUN:
What, what, what?

BANNISTER:
And the register of parcels and the rubber stamping.

CRUN:
erer

BANNISTER:
Thank you. Now you listen to this rhythm buddy. Ready? One, two!

FX:
drum sticks on wooden block accompany Min singing:

BANNISTER:
(sings) Rubber stamping rhythm, hear that rhythm go, let us stamp some parcels, three cheers for the G P Oooo.

BANNISTER:
Now then, hip-hip-hip ...

CRUN:
Horrayoooo.

BANNISTER:
Hip, hip ..

CRUN:
Horrayyy.

BANNISTER:
Hip-hip-Hip!

CRUN:
Horrayowww.

BANNISTER:
He's fainted downwards onto the scales.

SEAGOON:
Three stone, that's a two and six-penny stamp.

FX:
click clatt.

SEAGOON:
Quick post it to a hospital.

CRUN:
No, phone the doctor.

SEAGOON:
I can't.

CRUN:
Phone the medicine ...

SEAGOON:
I can't, there's somebody doing their mime in the phone box. Come out of there!

ECCLES:
I'm practising the telephone! I just discovered, I just discovered folks, I'll never play the telephone again.

SEAGOON:
Why not, why not!

ECCLES:
I ran out of coppers.

SEAGOON:
Nonsense, here's thruppence, play us a tune. Here! Play us something from A to D.

ECCLES:
Ohhh, I only play telephones by ear. I, I can't read the directories.

SEAGOON:
Hahaha, he's just being modest folks. Actually he can't read anything.

CRUN:
Come on lad, what numbers do you know?

ECCLES:
Ahh, what about that good old good one? Whitehall One Two One Two.

CRUN:
Ahh, yes.

SEAGOON:
Yes, let's have that one. Played by Ray Ellington

ECCLES:
(off, after Ray starts) You going to sing this number?

INTERVAL:
Ray Ellington Quartet "Roll 'Em Pete"

SEAGOON:
Next dance please.

BANNISTER:
Thank you very much Mr Secombe.

MATE:
(off) Hello, hello.

BANNISTER:
You dance divinely you know.

SEAGOON:
You too.

BANNISTER:
Are you, are you married?

SEAGOON:
You're very light on my feet.

BANNISTER:
Oh, dear, dear.

SEAGOON:
Light on my feet! Ha-hum.

MATE:
'ear, 'ear, Who runged Whitehall, one, two, one, two, mate?

SEAGOON:
We did constable. We are looking for a, Major Bloodnok, who is missing you, understand.

MATE:
Ohhh, ohh, well, the next contestant can help you there, will he sign in there, mate, please.

FX:
Writing on black board under:

GREENSLADE:
A L A S K A.

HERN:
It's Alaska, the well known piece of land. Will Alaska do its mime?

GRAMS:
Howling wind, dog team.

SEAGOON:
Ahh, mosh, mosh, mish, mash, mish, mesh, osh, esh, ansh ... I think that's the lot. Eh gad, Alaska forty below and three on top. Hahaha, ouwwewow, this bathing costume isn't very warm.

ECCLES:
Of course not, you've got the shoulder strap un-buttoned.

SEAGOON:
Is your bathing costume warm?

ECCLES:
Yerh, I'm wearing it under a fur coat!

SEAGOON:
You fisherman's nit.

ECCLES:
What? You be careful how you talk to me ...

SEAGOON:
I don't wish to know this.

ECCLES:
You, do you know Lord Stromboli?

SEAGOON:
No.

ECCLES:
Well, you just be careful what you say then.

SEAGOON:
Alright, I'mmm ...

ECCLES:
He might be listening.

SEAGOON:
Lava come back to me. Now look, you'll never get sun-tanned like that. Here! Hold this violin.

ECCLES:
Oh, will that make me sun tanned.

SEAGOON:
If you play it naked in the Sahara, yes!

ECCLES:
Hay! Here, wait a minute.

SEAGOON:
What?

ECCLES:
What are we doing in Alaska?

SEAGOON:
Following the trail of Major Bloodnok's phone box.

ECCLES:
Owwl, what'd he come all the way to Alaska in a phone box for?

SEAGOON:
A long distance call. Now, unroll that portable road.

SEAGOON:
Umph, strain, strain, you take the end of the tenors friend, there ..., huh (catching breath), oh

ECCLES:
(over Seagoon) You take, you take, here's the pavements, oh dear

ECCLES:
What a bit of luck, this road leads straight to Major Bloodnok's phone box.

SEAGOON:
Bloodnok! Bloodnok! Come out!

BLOODNOK:
I can't, I'm naked.

BANNISTER:
Come out, come out.

SEAGOON:
Well, come out backwards with your hands raised.

BLOODNOK:
I, I daren't risk it, there's a lot of holly about.

SEAGOON:
Alright, we'll come forward with our hands down.

BLOODNOK:
Oh, no, no, no, I, I'll come out. Now look here, why are you trailing me?

SEAGOON:
First, may we present our card?

BLOODNOK:
Certainly.

SEAGOON:
PRESENT ARMS!

FX:
Soldiers standing to attention.

BLOODNOK:
Thank you.

SEAGOON:
Will you sign in please and do your disgusting mime?

BLOODNOK:
Ohho, ho hoooo. My mime starts in India, eighteen eighty three (fades)

GRAMS:
multiple rifle shots and ricochets

SEAGOON:
It's, it's no good Major Bloodnok. We'll never dislodge those naughty tribesmen from their rocky redoubt.

BLOODNOK:
Oh I fear they've built that mountain to last. Send Captain Spon for reinforcement's will you?

SEAGOON:
He's gone sir. Spon's gone.

BLOODNOK:
Has he?

SEAGOON:
Yes. Spon's scarpered, he's disguised as an Afgan riding a camel.

BLOODNOK:
Spon has gone?

SEAGOON:
Yes. Spon's gone for a Burton. But! (aside) Can't use that (/aside). But the camel was shot from under him.

BLOODNOK:
What did he do?

SEAGOON:
He changed to a horse sir.

BLOODNOK:
Where is he now?

SEAGOON:
Grazing. ... Wait! Ahehehoooo. Who's this approaching?

BLOODNOK:
Well shall soon find out, ask him to sign in.

FX:
Writing on blackboard under:

CLING:
(Milligan) Ahh, Lieutenant Pilkington Cling.

BLOODNOK:
Right, now do your mime, but not too much otherwise the tribesmen will guess what you are, you see?

CLING:
Right sir, ahhh, my mime is: I've just come through the enemy lines, disguised as a British soldier.

BLOODNOK:
That is no disguise man.

CLING:
Yes it is, actually I'm a British sailor.

BLOODNOK:
Then what are you doing so far inland, without a boat?

CLING:
We ran out of water.

BLOODNOK:
Curse! I was relying on that boat to evacuate us.

CLING:
Aahhhhhhhh.

BLOODNOK:
I take them all the time you know.

SEAGOON:
Have you done?

CLING:
Yes.

SEAGOON:
This means we have to retreat on foot sir.

BLOODNOK:
Right, order some feet then.

SEAGOON:
ORDER! FEET!

FX:
Tramp, tramp of marching boots.

BLOODNOK:
Call down the NAAFI manageress.

SEAGOON:
Bugler?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes capitan, I sinnged in then.

FX:
Writing on blackboard under:

BLUEBOTTLE:
Bugler Blunebottle, of the Second Finchley Wolfcubs. Voted young knots of nineteen fifty six, all England egg and spoon race champion.

SEAGOON:
Well done, do your mime.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Alright then. My mime is - I'm here to sound the retreat on my bugle. Does brilliant mime, picks up bugle, puts to mouth, does big blow.

ORCHESTRA:
Blast on trumpet.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ohheoew. I've hurted myself.

SEAGOON:
I'll get a stretcher.

BLUEBOTTLE:
Don't stretch me, my legs might drop off.

FX:
Coconut shells - horse galloping closer. Knock on door.

BLOODNOK:
Ohhh, oehhhoho, ohheho, hohoho, It's the son of mad mullah, ohhh, do your mime mullah.

ELLINGTON:
My mime is - "Open up Major Bloodnok".

SEAGOON:
Mugnok! mugnok? Haha! ... Major! He wants us to open you up.

BLOODNOK:
And let the rain in? Never! Get your hands off will you?

FX:
Knock on door.

ELLINGTON:
Open up or I'll write to the times. Dear Sir, this is me writing ...

BLOODNOK:
No, no, stop, stop, please, don't! Don't do that, England must never know.

ELLINGTON:
They never do!

BLOODNOK:
Yes, that's quite true ... What do you want, you turbaned devil? How dare you come to the front door? All enemies, the tradesmen's entrance.

ELLINGTON:
Tradesmen's entrance blocked with your creditors.

BLOODNOK:
Arrggghhhohoho. Load that gun with I O Us, that'll get rid of them, I tell you.

SEAGOON:
Let him in Major.

BLOODNOK:
What?

SEAGOON:
I'll keep him covered with this roof.

BLOODNOK:
Alright, son of mullah, come in. But, I'm warning you, if there's any mud on your boots we shall fire.

FX:
Door opened.

ELLINGTON:
Now, Bloodnok, me come for challenge you to fight a duel.

BLOODNOK:
Fight a duel? I refuse sir! I'll fight anyone else, but a duel.

ELLINGTON:
Bloodnok, you're acting like a coward.

BLOODNOK:
I'm not acting!

ELLINGTON:
Name your weapon!

BLOODNOK:
As an Englishman sir, I choose the weapons of my country.

ELLINGTON:
What?

BLOODNOK:
Conkers sir!

ELLINGTON:
Conkers mate? You make me laugh mate.

BLOODNOK:
What! What! I'll show you, step out side!

FX:
Door opens and closes.

BLOODNOK:
That's got rid of him.

ELLINGTON:
That's what you think!

BLOODNOK:
Arrggghhh Ohoho Arhohoho ohohoho

FX:
raspberry

BLOODNOK:
Ohohoho ... So you're back. Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson sir. Son of mullah, stand where you are. Captain Seagoon ...

SEAGOON:
Sir!

BLOODNOK:
Stand on that chair over there.

SEAGOON:
Right sir.

BLOODNOK:
Eccles?

ECCLES:
Arguh

BLOODNOK:
Stand on top of that cupboard with this picture of Queen Victoria.

ECCLES:
Ok.

BLOODNOK:
Sergeant O'Malley?

O'Malley:
(Secombe) Yes sir?

BLOODNOK:
You stand in this elephants foot umbrella.

O'Malley:
Right sir.

SEAGOON:
What does Bluebottle do?

BLUEBOTTLE:
I'll wrap myself in the cardboard Union Jack and lay under the sink.

SEAGOON:
Well thought out lad.

BLOODNOK:
We'll show you, mad mullah. ... Abdul?

ABDUL:
Yes sir.

BLOODNOK:
Kneel behind this copy of the Times and I'll lay this in a hammock over the stove and hold this feather.

ABDUL:
Alright sir.

BLOODNOK:
There now. Son of mullah ...

ELLINGTON:
Now what?

BLOODNOK:
Nooow, get out.

ELLINGTON:
Alright Bloodnok, you win by a brilliant underhand trick. I give up, I lay my cards on the table.

BLOODNOK:
Gad! Sixteen.

BLOODNOK:
Pay pontoons only.

FX:
Ring up on till.

BLOODNOK:
Thank you gentlemen. Tomorrow, Jim Bowler, son of Tom.

FX:
Gong.

HERN:
Well, I'm afraid the times up folks, nobody guessed any of our contestants occupations, so will the constants all line up and tell the listeners what's their line.

SEAGOON:
I'm an idiot.

ECCLES:
I'm an idiot.

BLUEBOTTLE:
I'm an idiot.

HERN:
Well yes, all the contestants have guessed their own occupations correctly, so goodnight from "What's My Line".

GRAMS:
Mad cheering.

ORCHESTRA:
Theme tune.

GREENSLADE:
That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, announcer Wallace Greenslade. Programme produced by Pat Dixon.

ORCHESTRA:
Playout.