Goon Show Script

Robin Hood

Series 7, Special Episode

Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Produced by Pat Dixon. Transcribed by Stringy Flea.



Wallace Greenslade:
This is the BBC.

Band:
Trumpet Fanfare.

Wallace Greenslade:
This is London calling the world.

Eccles:
Hello world!

Wallace Greenslade:
That was the voice of England.

Seagoon:
(laughs) We're in a bad way, mate!

Wallace Greenslade:
Shoosh! Mr Seagoon! Don’t spoil this magic moment. Kindly put on these self-splitting tights.

Seagoon:
What for?

Wallace Greenslade:
The Goon Show Christmas pantomime entitled Robin Hood and his mirry mon (merry men).

Grams:
Bells pealing

Band:
Dramatic fanfare and background music for narration

Narrator:
It is now Christmas Eve in the year eleven ninety-one. In distant Acre (*1) my lord, King Richard, Coeur-de-Lyon, does battle in a valiant crusade. But, here at home in England's realm, a despotic rump is lowered onto our ancient throne. Its owner is yclept (*2) Prince John.

Seagoon:
But, to the poor people of England, hope is kindled by a magic name - Robin Hood!

Cast utters cries of 'Robin Hood'.

Band Fanfare

FX:
Knives and forks on plates, chatter, laughter, flute playing in background. Under:


Sheriff:
Come my Prince John, raise such a great Christmas yule tide type of feast of vitals for your baron and yet eat not yourself? Come partake of this side of ox.

Prince John:
Oh, no thanks, I've just had a boiled egg.

Sheriff:
Oh my thin Prince, why are you so broody tonight?

Prince John:
I think the egg's hatched.

Sheriff:
My majestry was given a bad egg? I'll have the chef boiled alive!

Prince John:
No, I'm not that hungry, pass me another fairy cake please.

Sheriff:
Your majesty, is it this Robin Hood vagabond that upsets you?

Prince John:
Oh, don’t mention that man's name again, don't mention that man's name to me again!

Sheriff:
But what part of him shall I mention then?

Prince John:
Well, there's so much of him.

Sheriff:
Well you insisted on Secombe playing the part.

Seagoon:
What what what what what what what what what?

Sheriff:
Quiet back there, you're not on 'til the second act!

Prince John:
My lord, Sheriff of Nottingham, I have decided you will capture that fellow Robin Hood by Christmas or I'll split your grotkin with a leather mackerel-sheet.

Sheriff:
Ooo majesty!

Prince John:
The reward will be, ah um, a hundred gold splonders.

Sheriff:
One hundred gold splonders! Hahaha!

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link

(?)Grams(?):
General Crowd Noises

Jim Spriggs:
Ding-dong! Clang! Clang-ding-dong-dang-dang! Here ye! Ding-dang! Stolen - one bell! Hear ye...silence, good people of Nottingham! A proclamation from the sheriff - he sends you Christmas and Xmas greetings at the same time and he will give one gold splonder for the capture of Robin Hood, dead or alive, or both. Also, there will be an archery-type contest on ye green. A willow wand will be split in thrice and there will be a prize of ~~~ Christmas pudding ... (trails off)

Grytpype:
Did ye hear that, Moriarty? Ye golden splonder for ye Robin Hood.

Moriarty:
Ye money. Owww! Ye owww! Ye gotta go owwww!

Grytpype:
You've got to go

Grytpype & Moriarty:
owww.

Moriarty:
Another record sold.

Grytpype:
Oww! And ye archery contest.

Moriarty:
That’s what he said.

Grytpype:
Moriarty, me thinks, me can gain me a gold splonder.

Moriarty:
But how? We've got no contacts.

Grytpype:
Please, don’t do that with your teeth out! Stop worrying, Moriarty, I've got a trump card up my sleeve.

Moriarty:
And I've got newspaper in my boots.

Grytpype:
Yes, well you always were a snappy dresser, weren't you? Come, steaming Frank pack the jam tins. You and I are going to take a coach ride through Sherwood Forest.

Moriarty:
Oh a little ~~~tat tars (*3)(???)

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link

Grams:
Horses and carriage

MUSIC:
Trumpet plays corny 'pop goes the weasel', played like an army reveille

Minn:
What a lovely...what a...what a lovely tune that was

Crun:
Yes. Its snowing, Minn

Minn:
Ohh!

Crun:
Doesn’t it look nice?

Minn:
Yes

Crun:
I, I wonder where we are, Minn?

Minn:
I'll find out. Pardon me, young man, could you tell us where we are?

Grytpype:
You're riding in a coach, Ma'am

Minn:
Ahh - thank you, young man

Crun:
What did he say, Minn?

Minn:
He said we're riding in a coach, Henry

Crun:
Ohh! Where's Auntie Gladys?

Minn:
Ohh! Oh - she waved us goodbye when we left

Crun:
Ohh! The wonders of speed travel. To think we only came to see Auntie Gladys off and here we are riding through Sherwood Forest.

Minn:
It's the wonder of modern type travel.

Crun:
Yes, yes.

Minn:
Oo! Oo dear! What the..? Oo! Oo! Pardon me, young man, is that your Christmas brown paper parcel under the seat?

Grytpype:
That brown Christmas parcel, madam, is an eccentric French count of some thirty-two summers

Moriarty:
Owww!

Grytpype:
He insists on riding with his back to the axle - I think it's something to do with the shortage of money

Minn:
Ooo - he says its something to do with the shortage of money, Henry.

Crun:
You can't get it, Minn. There's a shortage of shortages too you know

Minn:
Where will it all end? Ooo - hallelujah. Ooo dear.

Crun:
Minn! Did you put the cat out?

Minn:
No, it wasn't on fire

Crun:
Oh dear. Well I'm going up to bed, Minn.

Minn:
No smoking up top now. I'll lock up from the hanging(?)(?)(?)

Grams:
Horse whinnying

Minn & Crun Alarmed exclamations

Grams:
Horse hooves slowing to stop

Seagoon:
Merry Christmas - your money or your life!

Crun:
Happy new year! An outlaw!

Minn:
Ohhhh mercy, we'll all be murdered in our beds! Get away, you devil in green

Crun:
Go on Minn, give him the length of your tongue!

Minn:
I will - six and a half inches!

FX:
Door opened

Seagoon:
Come (Crun ???), get out of that bed and hand over your money

Minn & Crun:
Ohhh!

Seagoon:
Don't worry, old wrinkled retainer. I won't harm a hair of your head

Crun:
If you can find a hair on my head, I'll pay you for it.

Seagoon:
Wait! What's that shaking heap of bones under the seat?

Moriatry:
Ah-o-a-a-a-oh

Grytpype:
That is, and I quote from this floodlit bankruptcy note, Count Jim Springknees Moriarty, who seeks the English archer Robin Hood.

Seagoon:
I am he he-he-he-he!

Band:
Chord

Seagoon:
Next dance, please.

Minn:
Thank you sir

Grytpype:
Robin, my friend and I wish to join your band. We play C-melody saxophones

Seagoon:
Give proof.

Orchestra:
Two saxaphones playing jazz

Seagoon:
Split me terikin (???) ye bloweth a cool metal pipe! By Fred the Kenton! I'll sign you on for five and seven.

Grytpype:
Give the man five and seven, Moriarty, and sign on.

Moriarty:
Ohh!

Grams:
Cash register

Seagoon:
Thank you. Now report to (?)Q-stores for the old battle dress of Lincoln green now(?) two bows and arrows and a pair of spare feet. (click of tongue) Breakfast o-six-hundred, parade o-six-o-one. Right maxster Geldray, beguile me with a merry tune on the old nostril.

INTERVAL:
Max Geldray "You're the cream in my coffee"

(applause)

ORCHESTRA :
Subdued fanfare link

MUSIC:
Strumming Lute

Minstrel:
(Sung over lute) The snow was gently falling, as Robin to Nottingham went. He entered the archery contest with a hat all battered and a-bennnnnnnoh (stops singing) that’s enough of that.

Grams:
Spring-woosh thud, combination x3 for arrows

Seagoon:
Ye Grytpype. Do you think ye people will recognise me in this Kentucky minstrel disguise

Grytpype:
Ye no

Moriarty:
Its your turn to shoot, Robin

Grytpype:
No, I shot him last time! Hoho! Ye joke, Robin

Seagoon:
Yes. Ye haha

Wallace Greenslade:
Ye next bowman please

Moriarty:
Your turn

Seagoon:
Watch this for shooting

Grytpype:
Right

Grams:
Spring-woosh-thud-Moo!

Grytpype:
A bull!

Wallace Greenslade:
Ye charlie disguised as ye Kentucky minstrel wins

Seagoon:
Ye hooray

All:
Hooray

Prince John:
Here archer, you pull a mean bow

Seagoon:
Yes it was given me by a mean uncle! Hahahaha, ye joke!

Prince John:
Oh no, no, leave ye jokes to me. I wear ye funny crown. Now tell me, where did you learn to pull a long bow?

Seagoon:
I took a postal correspondence course. The envelopes were six feet long. Hahahaha

Prince John:
Please don’t, please don’t tell any more like that. Bad enough having to laugh at my own without having to listen to yours. The smelling salts please.

Grams:
Squeak

Sheriff:
There there, your majesty. Give him his prize and let him go

Prince John:
Here, a ten shilling postal order for one three and a piece of holly.

Seagoon:
This smells of trickery

Prince John:
Imm? (Sniffs) Smells alright to me

Grytpype:
Stop! Your majesty, ere the archer departs, allow me to remove his wig

Moriarty:
And his trousers

Gryptype:
So!

Seagoon:
No!

All:
Ooo! (Amazed Mutterings)

Sheriff:
Its Robin Hood! Ye seize him!

Seagoon:
Stop! Stop! Ye traitor, Thynne! I'll write to the Times about this

Grams:
Quill scratching on paper

Seagoon:
(over effect) Dear Sir, I should like to say...

Prince John:
Silence wretch!

Grytpype:
Your majesty, may we crave the reward of one golden splonder?

Prince John:
One? Well, I offered a hundred and a hundred you shall have.

Sheriff:
Ah, thank you, sire. Here steaming churls(???), one golden splonder

Moriarty:
One out of a hundred? We've been taken for charlies. One golden splonder! Owww!

Grytpype:
Wait a minute - Who cops the other ninety-nine?

Sheriff:
Inland Revenue

Grytpype:
I've never heard of them

Sheriff:
They've heard of me.

Prince John:
No, no. Stop all this arguing. I'm not having ye happy time. I'm (?)quit of ye colour.(?)

Sheriff:
Have ye aspirin.

Prince John:
No, I'm not strong enough.

Sheriff:
All your ills will be gone by dawn tomorrow when Robin Hood will be hung... drawn... quartered... clubbed... struck... lifted... lowered... hurled... stretched... drowned... dragged... drugged... bashed... bonked... thudded... tweaked... walloped and then... splugged on a gillikin spike.

Prince John:
Do you mind if I sit down?

Sheriff:
Now, throw the wretch into dungeons dark, dank and donk

Loud Crowd noises

Seagoon:
Ye'll pay for this!

Sheriff:
Nonsense, we get it all free on National Health.

Band:
Descending Scale

(throughout dungeon scene acoustics are echoy as in a large chamber)

MUSIC:
Lute Strums

Minstrel:
(sung over lute) Cast into dungeons dark dank and donk, all hopes of freedom gone. Chained by the walls by his nose, teeth and ears, three for the price of one. (Mutters) Not very good ~~~ worry ~~~

Seagoon:
He's gone. Dont worry folks, I wont be in this cell for long. Ha ha ha. They've promised to take me out and ha...do that again. I won't be in this cell for long. They've promised to take me out at dawn and hang me. I said it. But, but they'll never do it. Before then, my brilliant lieutenant, Friar Balsam, has promised to rescue me.

Friar:
Pssssst

Seagoon:
What is that I hear?

Friar:
Pssssst

Seagoon:
How do you spell it?

Friar:
Pssss ssss ssst

Seagoon:
What? Why, that’s the way Friar Balsam pronounces Pssssst's! Is that you, Friar Balsam, come to rescue me?

Friar:
Yes

Seagoon:
Where are you, my clever lieutenant?

Friar:
Behind you, chained to the wall by the ears, nose and throat

Seagoon:
You clever lieutenant! You've disguised yourself as a prisoner.

Friar:
Have I? Have I got news for you! The truth is, I'm a prisoner too. My arms are chained by the neck.

Seagoon:
Ah, are your legs chained?

Friar:
No

Seagoon:
Then, then let's dance.

Friar:
Delighted!

Grams:
jazzy dance tune

Seagoon:
Gad! You waltz divinely. Do you come here often?

Friar:
Only when I'm caught.

Seagoon:
Ha-ha-ha. Can't we face life together?

Friar:
I've got news for you…we are facing life together!

Seagoon:
What? Stop! Send that band back to their own cell. I've just remembered; I'm going to be killed tomorrow.
Seagoon:
We must escape. Wait! This stone I'm chained to..it's..it's loose. Yes, I can feel a draft. (Straining noises). Done it!

Friar:
What?

Seagoon:
Taken an aspirin. I don’t want to catch cold

Friar:
Wait a moment, I, I have an idea. Place your chain twixt my teeth

Seagoon:
There. Tis twixt. Now...pull! Pull!

Friar:
(Muffled straining noises)

Seagoon:
Go on, Friar Balsam, pull! Let those strong, white, English teeth pull us to freedom

Grams:
Pop followed by clattering of teeth in a bucket

Friar:
(toothless) Well, don't just stand there. Put them in a glass of water!

Seagoon:
Never mind ye choppers, you pulled the stone out. Follow me through to freedom!

Grams:
Clanking of chains

Friar:
(straining noises) Gad! It is ye dark in here

Seagoon:
Yes. Its not worth opening ye eyes

Friar:
What a relief to get out of that filthy cell twenty-five. Now then, where are we?

Seagoon:
In filthy cell twenty-six. Shh! There's someone coming with a lighted candle

Friar:
(whispers) It looks like the sheriff

Seagoon:
So! He's disguised himself as a lighted candle. Quick! Hide under this straw.

FX:
Noise of hiding under straw, sounds like loading bolt action rifle or something ???

Friar:
He'll never spot us under this.

Seagoon:
Haha!

FX:
Heavy door opening

Sheriff:
Alright you two idiots. Come out from under that straw.

Friar:
What, what, what

Seagoon:
What what what what what?

Sheriff:
Now listen, I'm going to make a bargain with you.

Seagoon:
What what what, what?

Sheriff:
Two Christmas weight (?)poplin(?) shirts with holly attached to tail. Five and eleven pence or in Canadian money, six thousand dollars.

Seagoon:
Time to pay?

Sheriff:
Yes, I think it is time to pay

Seagoon:
I'm sorry. I've only got one on and one in the wash

Sheriff:
So! You turn my ye offer down? Very well - pay a ransom of a thousand golden splonders or hang

Seagoon:
Ye gulp. Give me til the end of Ray Ellingtons number

Sheriff:
Not a moment longer.

INTRERVAL:
Ray Ellington 'She's a three handed woman'
(applause)

Jim Spriggs:
Dong dong Christmas Eve and all's well

Seagoon:
Midnight

Jim Spriggs:
Dong

Seagoon:
One o'clock

Friar:
Gad it's late. If that ransom money doesn't arrive by dawn, we shall never see the North Pole again.

Seagoon:
Yes, and after all that cactus I planted too.

Friar:
Yes

FX:
Heavy door opening

Sheriff:
Alright you dogs, kneel down for Prince John.

Prince John:
Oh no, they'll get all their knees dirty.

Sheriff:
Listen scum...

Friar:
Mr Scum to you.

Sheriff:
Robin Hood! A thousand splonders, now!

Seagoon:
Quick! Blow out his candle

FX:
Fssh of candle being blown out

Sheriff:
Aggghh, you devils! Have at you!

FX + Grams:
fight sounds Neddie and Sheriff and Eccles yelling, thunps, bands

Eccles:
(breathless) Alright we've finished

Seagoon:
(heavy breathing) Thank you gents (Jack ???)!

Eccles:
We've finished

Seagoon:
He's doing his nut there. Now you swine, had enough?

Eccles:
(Breathless) Yeah, I had enough

Seagoon:
Its Will Eccles. What are you doing in prison?

Eccles:
Six months. What are you doing?

Friar:
Then where are those two scoundrels?

Grams:
Heavy door being closed

Eccles:
Oh!

Seagoon:
They've locked us in from the outside

FX:
Phone picked up

Eccles:
Do something

Grams:
Telephone being dialled

Wallace Greenslade:
Dear listeners, the sound you are hearing is an early British Telephone circa fourteen-twelve

Norris:
Hello? Robin Hood to Headquarters here

Seagoon:
Hello? Norris?

Norris:
Robin, where are you? In the nick?

Seagoon:
Yes. Listen, unless I give him a thousand golden splonders, the Sheriff is going to kill me for Christmas

Norris:
A thousand? Offer him nine-fifty and take a chance

Seagoon:
No. No, its a thousand or nothing.

Norris:
You giving me a choice? Don't worry schmulik, I'm sending a schlapper round with the geld straight away.

Grams:
Phone being hung up

FX:
Door knock

Norris:
That's him at the door now

Seagoon:
That’s an old gag

Norris:
So? This is 1412 remember. You should get new gags now yet, already?

Seagoon:
Ying-tong-iddle-i-po-muzzletopf

Grams:
Phone being hung up again

Seagoon:
It's no good. Lou is unreliable. He let Milligan down at Eastbourne

Eccles:
I know!

Seagoon:
He might not ever send that money. We should escape at once! If not twice!

Friar:
Wait! Look up there! A high window with no barring

Seagoon:
Curse these licensing laws!

Eccles:
Wait! I got a license for climbing out of windows

Seagoon:
Splendid, young Eccles. Get against that wall. Right

Eccles:
Ok

Seagoon:
Now, Friar Balsam. You climb on his shoulders

Friar:
Right-ho, yes.

FX:
Straining noises

Eccles:
Dont hurt yourself, now!

Friar:
That's it

Eccles:
Be careful:


Friar:
Come up. Now Robin, come on.

FX:
Straining noises

Seagoon:
Curse! I still can't reach it.

Eccles:
I know. I'll come up and get on your shoulders, that alright?

All three talk together

Eccles:
Still can't reach. Now you get up on my shoulders, Friar Balsam

Seagoon:
And I'll get up on yours

All three talk together from a distance

Wallace Greenslade:
(Over talking) Ladies and gentlemen. The feat now being performed is extremely dangerous and should only be done on radio by experienced idiots. Meantime a stranger is admitted to the presence of Prince John

Grams:
Running footsteps approaching

Bluebottle:
Enter Bluenbottle in doublet made from Mum's old drawers

Sheriff:
Silence! What is this sodden piece of cardboard?

Bluebottle:
Silence, or I will strike! Moves right, brandishes string sword in Sheriff's face.

Sheriff:
That string sword doesn't frighten me, lad

Bluebottle:
Ah, Doesn't it? You just wait 'til I tie a knot in it then!

Prince John:
Now! Please, stop this violence. Where's the money?

Bluebottle:
I will not give it to you until you free Robinge Hood.

Sheriff:
What? Tie him to a stake!

Bluebottle:
No! Do not tie me to a steak, I'm a vegetarian!

Prince John:
Then tie him to a stick of celery

Bluebottle:
Oo! Lovely! But, I warn you, one step nearer and I will bring the power of fists into play. Blan! Blun! Splut! I will go blin-splowee-zon hit hit-hit-hit-hit-hit. Do you know dat I learnt all my boxing off comic strips? Have you ever seen a comic strip?

Prince John:
Only in a steam bath. It was ghastly.

Bluebottle:
Oh!

Sheriff:
Come here!

Bluebottle:
Nooo-no! Let go of my set of ankles. It is Christmas. Merry Christmas! (Sings) 'Good King Wenceslas ~~~ looked out ...'

FX:
Door bursting open

Seagoon:
Drop that Bluebottle!

Sheriff:
Curses! Robin is free!

Prince John:
It's Robin Hood! I feel quite faint.

Sheriff:
I know how his men fight so take that - Blat! Splat! Blun! Zowee! Sock! Thud!

Seagoon:
What? Splinge! Carrumph! Splat! Ching!

All cast join in with comic book fighting

Bluebottle:
(Over fighting noise) Ohhh, My captain is over there, fighting to rescue me!

Seagoon:
(off) That's what you think!

Sheriff:
Ahh! There you are!

Seagoon:
Blat! Thud Blin! Blon!

Bluebottle:
My captain did that!

Sheriff:
Blam!

Bluebottle:
My captain copped that!

Seagoon:
Wallop!

Bluebottle:
Oww! I copped that!

Prince John:
Stop! Robin Hood, call your men off! Call them off! Do you hear me?!

Seagoon:
Come on boy (whistles) come on (whistles)

Prince John:
No, no, Please, I told you no more jokes like that. We give in.

Sheriff:
We were better on the bonks, bangs and caluds.

Prince John:
But we had so few of them

Sheriff:
You win, you devil, Robin. Give us the thousand gold splonders and a piece of holly and you can go.

Seagoon:
Here, catch. Hahaha. And let that be a lesson to you! (laughs) Come along chaps, in two. One...two.

Seagoon & Bluebottle & Eccles:
(sing) Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen. Robin Hood, Robin Hood with his band of men. Feared by the good, loved by the bad, Robin Hood, hows your Dad? ~~~~~~~~~~ ... (fades into drunken singing)

FX:
clomp of footsteps

Wallace Greenslade:
Oh! I do believe they've finished. Well, I must be off, catch the bus, you know. Goodnight.

Band starts theme music

Seagoon:
(Over band) Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Please, we forgot. From all of us here waist deep in the snow of Sherwood Forest, we send Christmas greetings to all the people waist deep in the snow of Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. We also send greetings to all those chest deep in snow in the...aforementioned countries. (Coughs) I'll do that again! Do you mind, Chisholm? We also send greetings to all those...I'll start again...we also send greetings...I'll start from the beginning, shall I? Thank you. Stop! Stop! (Raspberry). We forgot. From all of us here waist deep in the snow of Sherwood Forest, we send Christmas greetings to all the people waist deep in the snow of Canada, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand. We also send greetings to all those chest deep in those countries. And a merry Christmas to you all.

Band play theme Music

Wallace Greenslade:
That was the Goon Show. A BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, Spike Milligan, Valentine Dyal and Dennis Price. With the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stevens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Pat Dixon




Notes:

1) In 1191, Richard the Lionhearted's army reinforced the Crusaders in their seige of the town of Acre, a port city in what is now northern Israel, thus leading to its surrender in the following month
2) yclept = named
3) Going tat-tars = going on a journey