Goon Show Script
The Reason Why
Series 7, Special Episode
Originally broadcast on 22nd August 1957. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Produced by Jacques Brown.
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Goon Show Compendium
6
MUSIC:
Solemn bugle call in A sped up to B flat. Same bugle call in B flat slowed down to A
GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Light Programme
MUSIC:
Typical 1950s intro music, then under:
GREENSLADE:
“The Reason Why”:
the story of an unexplained phenomena
MUSIC:
Up and out
TOWN CRIER (DYALL):
1876 and all’s well!
GREENSLADE:
1876, and my master, the hon. Harold Bowels MP, was at that time a member of parliament in parliament
FX:
[This scene is very echoic:]
?:
[Fades in coughing]
L. BROWNING (SELLERS):
It has come to my notice that in the region of the tram stop near the plaque of the historical Omnibus track of 1873, there are certain irregularities
POSH SECOMBE:
What about the irregularities in Hyde Park then?
L. BROWNING:
I tell you, I was home all yesterday evening
POSH SECOMBE:
Ooh oh they all say that, ooooh
? (MILLIGAN):
Please, please, honorary members. Lord Browning, continue please
L. BROWNING:
Yes. Well, it appears that there is a large hole or gap in the Thames embankment wall. It only appeared recently and to date, nothing has been done about it
MIN BANNISTER:
Aaaaeeoooooh!
FX:
Body falling to floor
BLOODNOK:
Send a gunboat! Mm, ooh! Erh, sorry, I was dreaming, I…
DYALL:
This hole or gap…
MIN BANNISTER:
What!
DYALL:
…in the embankment; is it really necessary?
L. BROWNING:
No, no, it’s not really necessary
DYALL:
Then I suggest it be abolished as an unnecessary expense
L. BROWNING:
Well this hole isn’t costing us anything
DYALL:
Ah, that sounds reasonable
FX:
Club hits object
MIN BANNISTER:
Aaaaeeoooooh!
L. BROWNING:
Mr Bowels, explain. He has the figures. Mr Bowels?
BOWELS (SECOMBE):
Thank you. Yes, it is as Lord Browning points out…
MIN BANNISTER:
Speak up, young man
BOWELS:
I don’t wish to know that, young…[clears throat]. It is as Lord Browning points out, the dangers this hole presents. I.e. Last winter on certain foggy and dark-type nights, citizens of London town fell through this gap into the Thames and wet their clothes. The crux of the matter is this; these people as the result of their wetting, catch colds
MIN BANNISTER:
Aaaaeeoooooh!
BOWELS:
These citizens in turn are suing the government for the moneys laid out in medical fees. The question is; would it be cheaper to pay up claims or fill in the hole?
MILLIGAN:
[Off:]Fill in the hole!
BOWELS:
Are you in parliament?
MILLIGAN:
[Off:]Only just, sir!
DYALL:
Have many people fallen through this hole?
BOWELS:
Aae oh. Well ah – Sir Mortally Bringe, this is your department
SPRIGGS:
Yes. How many people fell, [sings:]people feeeeell, [normal:]fell into the Thames last year? I have the separate figures for men and women, [sings:]men and woomeeeeen! [Normal:]The figures for men for the months, January, February and March, [sings:]Maaaaaaarch; [Normal:]thirty-two, fifty-six and forty-one
DYALL:
And the figure for women?
SPRIGGS:
[Sings:]Thirty-two, twenty-one and thirty-niiiine!
DYALL:
Ha, an ideal figure for a woman
GRAMS:
Murmurs from crowd
FX:
Thud
L. BROWNING:
May I ask how this hole or gap in the embankment came about in the first place?
BOWELS:
It was left there by the builder. I suppose he forgot to take it away. Ha ha ha! Get it, you see? Hole, he forgot to take it away. Ha ha ha! [Pause] I demand a vote of confidence!
GRAMS:
Murmurs from crowd
DYALL:
[Over grams:]Let’s fill the hole in and be done with it
BOWELS:
Fill it in? How?
BLOODNOK:
How? With fill
DYALL:
Nonsense, with bricks of course
BOWELS:
Bricks? Haha. There’s always a radical somewhere. Oh no, sir Pules. No indeed. England can afford something better than bricks
MIN BANNISTER:
Bravo
BOWELS:
I’ll think of something. There is always a way out
MIN BANNISTER:
[Fades out:]Always a way out
FX:
No more echo
GREENSLADE:
That night, my master, hon. Bowles MP, was having dinner with a friend at number ten, eleven, twelve and thirteen Downing Street
FX:
Rattling cups and teaspoons
GRAMS:
Murmurs throughout this scene:
BOWELS:
[Laughs] I say, I hope the ladies didn’t hear that one
CHURCHILL (SELLERS):
Yes it was a bit loud, wasn’t it?
GRYTPYPE:
Mr Prime Minister, you haven’t introduced me to your guest
CHURCHILL:
Oh yes, certainly. This is the Honourable Harold Bowels MP and Bowles, this is Lord Thynne, the famous builder and sculptor
BOWELS:
Builder and sculptor? What do you sculpt?
GRYTPYPE:
Houses
BOWELS:
Do you use a model?
GRYTPYPE:
My dear old grandmother. You see, it’s a family business
BOWELS:
I see. A sculptor, you say. By jove, you might be the very man
GRYTPYPE:
Oh?
BOWELS:
Let’s, let's go out on the balcony
GRYTPYPE:
Certainly. Excuse me
GRAMS:
Murmurs stop
FX:
Scraping of wooden chairs being pushed back. Rattling metal objects (knives and forks dropping from Moriarty)
MORIARTY:
[Panicking noises]
BOWELS:
I erh – I think your friend has a hole in his pocket
GRYTPYPE:
Jove, so he has. Allow me to introduce him to you:
Count Moriarty, the Honourable Bowles
MORIARTY:
Ah. Please to meet you, hon. Bowles. Mon plegger, mon plegger
GRYTPYPE:
The count is a model much in demand by artists on the continent, you know
BOWELS:
Really?
GRYTPYPE:
Yes, he posed for the original Eiffel Tower
BOWELS:
Gad, how he’s changed!
MILLIGAN:
Ah, pardon me. Would you gentlemen like your coffee on the balcony?
GRYTPYPE:
Haven’t you any cups?
BOWELS:
Now then, Lord Thynne. You may have read in the press, the Thames embankment…
GRYTPYPE:
Has a hole in it? Hahaha, and the whole world is laughing at England. It’s not very pretty, is it?
BOWELS:
Have you a solution?
GRYTPYPE:
Of course:
fill the gap with an edifice
BOWELS:
An edifice? Hahaha, much too big and expensive
GRYTPYPE:
A statue then? My card
BOWELS:
Sculptor. Special summer rates to politicians, England and spon. What is spon?
GRYTPYPE:
A soft porous metal mined in agony by the inhabitants of the Urals
BOWELS:
So it is that all the time
GRYTPYPE:
I could make you a spon statue to fill that hole
BOWELS:
The price?
GRYTPYPE:
With season tickets:
thirty-nine pounds, three dollars
BOWELS:
Why the three dollars?
GRYTPYPE:
I intend finishing the work in America
BOWELS:
How do you mean to travel there?
GRYTPYPE:
Yes
BOWELS:
I see. Thirty-nine pounds, mmmmmmmm, a bit expensive. Could you quote a smaller figure?
GRYTPYPE:
I could:
bust 12, waist 3, hips 48
MIN:
Oooww
BOWELS:
That would never fill the gap
GRYTPYPE:
It must fill somebody’s. After all, it’s spring, you know
BOWELS:
Seasons have no effect on this gap
L. HARRONS (DYALL):
Hello, gentlemen. Do you mind if I join you?
GRYTPYPE:
Why hello, Lord Harrons. Just talking about the gap in the embankment
L. HARRONS:
Ha ha, that’s just what I wanted to see you about. The British ambassador in Alexandria tells me that just outside the town, there is a wealth of ancient statuary going begging
GRYTPYPE:
Begging? That should be stopped
L. HARRONS:
The PM believes that one of these could be used to fill the gap
BOWELS:
What a splendid idea! [Fading out:]That’ll save us spending thirty-nine pounds, three dollars on the one Lord Thynne has…
MUSIC:
Violin melody played at various speeds, continues under:
GREENSLADE:
On the Hon. Mem’s suggestion, that night my master, Hon. Bowels, as was his custom, walked naked in the garden playing the violin, at one at the same time dictating a certain letter to his secretary:
BOWELS:
“Dear Ambassador, I will be coming to Alexandria next month on state business. Signed Hon. Harold Bowels.” [Grams stop.] Read that back, will you, my man?
ECCLES:
Eh?
BOWELS:
Read it back
ECCLES:
Oh yeah. Um – what’s that first, what’s that first word?
BOWELS:
Ha ha, it says “Dear Ambassador”
ECCLES:
Oh yeah, “Dear Ambassador”. Um – I can’t make out this next one
BOWELS:
Um – “I will be”
ECCLES:
Oh yeah, “I will be”. That’s right. Well, go on then
BOWELS:
“I will be arriving in Alexandria next month.”
ECCLES:
Fine, fine
BOWELS:
“Signed, Hon. Harold Bowles.”
ECCLES:
Yeah, yeah that’s OK. You’d better run out and post it, my good man
BOWELS:
At once!
FX:
Door closes
ECCLES:
[Sings to himself]
FX:
Door opens
BOWELS:
Take that!
FX:
Thud!
ECCLES:
Aaaaaeeeooougggh!
BOWELS:
You nit. Take this letter out to the post at once!
ECCLES:
OK, OK, OK, OK!
FX:
Door closes
BOWELS:
Foof. Ten to one he won’t find a post box
ECCLES:
Ten to one I do
BOWELS:
Get out!
ECCLES:
Ow!
FX:
Door closes
BOWELS:
Now to prepare for the journey. Willium! Where’s that old wrinkled retainer? Willium!
FX:
Slow footsteps approaching
WILLIUM:
Eoooh. Coming, sir, and the wrinkled retainer
BOWELS:
Willium, I’m going to Egypt
WILLIUM:
Goodbye, mate
BOWELS:
Come back here. I’m not going now, I’ve only just sent the letter informing them of my arrival
ECCLES:
Oh yeah, I’d better post it. No, no!
BOWELS:
GET OUT AND POST IT!
FX:
Door closes
BOWELS:
Haaaa. Now, Willium, I’ll need my Gladstone bag and my Disraeli suitcase
WILLIUM:
Right, I’ll your pawn tickets and collect your pawns
BOWELS:
Splendid. Pack my deer stalker because I’ll be doing some deer stalking. I might do some rabbit stalking too
WILLIUM:
I’ll pack you rabbit stalker as well
FX:
Door opens
GREENSLADE:
Ah Mr Bowels sir. Here are your boat and train tickets. First class sleeper standing up, reduced summer rates for politicians facing east
BOWELS:
I’ve got to stand all the way to Egypt?
GREENSLADE:
Oh no, sir. You’re allowed to sit down at Port Suez for three minutes
BOWELS:
Ah, the wonders of travel, Greenslade. Well let’s drink to a successful trip. Let’s celebrate, chaps. Put on a cylinder of wax
MUSIC:
Old record with a corny woodwind ensemble (20 sec.)
GRAMS:
Ship’s fog horn
MUSIC:
Nautical music, with muttered nautical calls from the cast.
Exotic African music
GREENSLADE:
On the third of May, on a torrid afternoon, me master, Hon. Bowels, arrived at the British embassy Alexandria
FX:
Fly buzzing. Clap of hands. Fly swatted
AMBASSADOR (SELLERS):
Curse these flies
FX:
Door opens. Violin playing under:
ABDUL (MILLIGAN):
Ah, pardon me, sir. There is a naked man playing the fiddle outside
AMBASSADOR:
Sounds like a professional. Send him forward
ABDUL:
[Off:]This way forward, sir
BOWELS:
Ah thank you. Good morning, sir
AMBASSADOR:
Come in; let me take your violin for you
FX:
Violin playing stops. Wood crackling
AMBASSADOR:
Abdul, burn this on the fire. Now then, who are you?
BOWELS:
I am the Honourable Harold Bowels MP
FX:
Penny in tin mug
BOWELS:
Thank you, shall we dance?
AMBASSADOR:
Love to
MUSIC:
Ballroom dance waltz, continues under Bowels and Greenslade:
BOWELS:
You dance divinely
GREENSLADE:
As the two beautiful creatures waltzed through the embassy, my master, hon. Bowels, told of his hoping to find an Egyptian monument to fit the gap, and was passed to the notorious gap filler, Major Bloodnok
BLOODNOK:
[Fading in:]The message says, he’s coming here sideways today about eleven. Let’s see – that’s an hour and a half – time for a little more work. Now where’s that catalogue? Ah, here:
bust 42, waist 20, hips 44, mmn yes
FX:
Pen scratching on paper under Bloodnok’s next line:
BLOODNOK:
“Dear sir, I am – oooooho – I am a keen art student of twenty-one. Oooooho. Please forward to me, in the plain wrappers, - ooooho – your continental selection of student’s art studies. Signed, Augustus Johns.” Oooooho
ABDUL:
Ah, pardon, pardon me, sir
BLOODNOK:
What, what?
ABDUL:
There’s two men called Honourable Bowels outside, sir
BLOODNOK:
Honourable Bowels?
ABDUL:
This way, sir
BOWELS:
Ah, how do you do, sir?
BLOODNOK:
Ah, how are you? Welcome to freedom. We must have a drink, lad, eh
BOWELS:
No, no, I’m sorry, Major, I’m dreadfully tired. I think, as we’re rising early tomorrow, I’d like to get to bed
BLOODNOK:
You’re right, Bowels, you’re perfectly right. Abdul! Make up the ironing board in the spare room, will you?
BOWELS:
Never mind, please, I’ll sleep on the floor
BLOODNOK:
Will you? Good. ~~~~. Goodnight, lad
BOWELS:
Goodnight. [Snores]
FX:
Metal ting
BOWELS:
[Whispering:]What’s that?
BLOODNOK:
[Whispering:]Ooh, there’s someone at the foot of my bed
BOWELS:
[Whispering:]Light the candle
BLOODNOK:
[Whispering:]I can’t, the wick’s fused
BOWELS:
Right. Hands up, you, there in the dark. Don’t move; I’m holding a loaded sock in my hand and a lace club on my foot. Bloodnok, tie him to a chair with ties
BLOODNOK:
Yes. Keep still, whoever you are. You hear me? I’m an Englishman, sir. One false move and I’ll shout bang, oooh
BOWELS:
Get these chains on the swine
FX:
Rattling chains
BOWELS:
Around his legs
BLOODNOK:
Stuff this gag in his mouth.
BOWELS:
Yes, strap him (???) to the chair there.
BLOODNOK:
Now then, tell us who you are!
BLUEBOTTLE:
I’m Bluebottle!
BOWELS:
Gad, yes, Bluebottle. He came over on the clipper with me
BLOODNOK:
Really?
BOWELS:
Yes, he’s my ADC
BLOODNOK:
He looks nothing like one, I’ll have him destroyed!
BOWELS:
Oh no, no, he very useful in spotting teradacta(?)
BLOODNOK:
Fine, we haven’t had one of those for years
BLUEBOTTLE:
I have brought this message from the London
BOWELS:
Let me see. Letter from Mr Gladstone, the Prime Minister! I’ll put my court uniform on and read it
GLADSTONE (SELLERS):
“Dear Honourable Bowels, I have just heard that – ah – you are bringing back and Egyptian-type statue to – ah – fill our beloved gap in the Thames wall. Ah – But the ministers have been instructed to give all the aid in their power. We should like to have the hole filled in to commemorate the Silver – Jubilee
BOWELS:
The Silver Jubilee? Gad, we must hasten! Bloodnok, order the camels!
BLOODNOK:
Two camels, please!
MUSIC:
Elephant-type music with tuba and flutes, continues under Greenslade:
GREENSLADE:
So my master, the hon. Bowels, journeyed to the great desert of Guyra(?), outside Karnack. Karnack, ancient city of the third dynasty, abounding in remains of a once great civilisation. [Music stops] A sort of Oriental Cleethorpes
GRAMS:
Camel mooing and gibberish shouting. Continues under:
GREENSLADE:
On this scene arrived my master, the honourable Bowels and escort
CRUN:
Aaaahh, honourable Bowels and escort. We are the curators of the archaeological findings in this area
BOWELS:
What are your findings?
CRUN:
Not guilty
BOWELS:
Splendid. How do you do?
BANNISTER:
How do you do, sir?
BOWELS:
Not guilty
L. THUNN (DYALL):
I’m Lord Thunn, also not guilty. I joined hon. Bowels yesterday
BANNISTER:
How nice for you! Nice for you
L. THUNN:
We’ve been informed that there is a giant obelisk around here
CRUN:
Ah yes, that’s the Cleopatra’s Needle; sixty-seven feet high and ten-foot square – at the base
L. THUNN:
Jove, hon. Bowels, those are the exact measurements of the gap in the Thames embankment!
BOWELS:
We might’ve hit it first time! Just think, what was that sculptor trying to charge us? Thirty-nine pounds, three dollars and we can get it all for free, ha ha ha
L. THUNN:
Knighthoods will be in order, Bowels
BOWELS:
Indeed, Thunn. Come, [Fades out:]let’s examine this obelisk and…
BANNISTER:
How nice for them
GRAMS:
Stop
MUSIC:
Egyptian music, under:
GREENSLADE:
My master, hon. Bowels, along with lord Thunn, made camp at the side of the great obelisk and a series of examinations of it were made by the engineer royal, Mr Thong
THONG (SELLERS):
Mmmmm…
FX:
Hard object hitting brick
THONG:
Yes, well, it appears to be in one piece, made of red sandstone. Weighs about, let me see… [strains] … about 150 tons, I should say
L. THUNN:
It’d be a bit of a devil to get back to the old country, wouldn’t it?
BOWELS:
Don’t worry, gentlemen, I’ve arranged for it to be given a buoyant wooden jacket and [Fades out:]towed home behind the S.S. Carthania
MUSIC:
Egyptian music and singing; under:
GRAMS:
A rotary sound effect to simulate obelisk being lifted; under:
GREENSLADE:
It was a great sight, as my master, hon. Bowels, observed two thousand labourers sweating and straining, as the great colossus was lifted and dusted [Effects stop]. Finally, after three months, it was put in its wooden container and launched
GRAMS:
Sliding down ramp. Splash! Water bubbles
L. THUNN:
I say; it sunk
MUSIC:
Same Egyptian music and singing; under:
GRAMS:
Same rotary sound effect; under:
BOWELS:
How long will it take to raise it?
BLOODNOK:
Oh, only about a week, lad
BOWELS:
A week? Mhmhm mhmhm. This is starting to cost money. To date with wages and the salvage is one thousand five hundred pounds!
BLOODNOK:
Yes, yes, yes, but you don’t realise that this obelisk is free
L. THUNN:
You couldn’t get an obelisk for that price any where in England!
BOWELS:
Yes. I… I keep forgetting
NATIVE (MILLIGAN):
[Gibberish]
L. THUNN:
I say, Bowels, the overseer said he doesn’t think we can raise the obelisk by hand. Says we’ll need deep water salvage vessels
BOWELS:
Oh. Well we’ll contact naval base Alexandria and request immediate aid. We’ve got to hurry. [Fades out:]Remember the silver jubilee is only a month away!
MUSIC:
Dramatic allegro orchestral music; under:
GRAMS:
Chugging engine and seagull calls
CREIDEN:
[Scottish] Haul away!
GRAMS:
Chugging engine
BOWELS:
Admiral Creiden, how much longer to lift this thing?
CREIDEN:
The divers say it’s difficult to see to attach the cables, sir. The water’s getting very muddy
BOWELS:
Well can’t we go where the water’s clearer?
CREIDEN:
Arh, we did that, but we discovered that the obelisk wasn’t there, sir
BOWELS:
What terribly bad luck
CREIDEN:
Don’t you worry, sir. We’ll soon have her up
HIGH VOICE (MILLIGAN):
Sir! A proper hurricane's bearing down on this position
CREIDEN:
Ouch, up anchors, head for safe harbour!
BOWELS:
Nonsense, Scottish captain. I have the perfect plan for saving the obelisk with no danger to life, limb or Herbert Lom
MUSIC:
Dramatic allegro orchestral music for 15 sec. then fades out
FX:
Pen scratching paper; under Gladstone’s line:
GLADSTONE:
“Dear Honourable Bowels, I hear that the obelisk is at the bottom of the sea. I’m afraid this just [Angry:]WON’T DO! [Not angry:]Signed, Gladstone”
BOWELS:
[Tut, tut, tut] They’re getting impatient. Now there’s a fresh bill for 12,000 pounds for the admiralty for the two ships wrecked in the hurricane
L. THUNN:
Don’t worry. Skipper says the needle should be lifted by nightfall
BOWELS:
Nightfall? We’ll have to wait ‘till it gets dark for that
L. THUNN:
Well, can’t we do it at nightfall while it’s still light?
CREIDEN:
Huuurgh!
GRAMS:
Splash
CREIDEN:
I’m sorry, sir, but that’s the best place for him
L. THUNN:
[Off:]I say! Was it something I said?
BOWELS:
Don’t worry about him. He’s off the current persona non-grata list. Now, couldn’t we move the obelisk to clearer water, then we could see it?
CREIDEN:
Huuurgh!
GRAMS:
Splash
CREIDEN:
That’s two of you off the persona non-grata list
BOWELS:
[Off:]You’ll pay for this!
CREIDEN:
Sound the bell and haul away!
GRAMS:
Rotary effect
MUSIC:
Fanfare; continues under Greenslade’s line:
GREENSLADE:
On May the 8th, the master sent the following message to the PM
FX:
Pen scratching paper under Bowles’s line:
BOWELS:
“At last the cylinder containing Cleopatra’s Needle has been raised. It set off this morning towed by the ship S.S. Harbour. We will conclude unfinished business and follow in a week’s time. We have to break camp and smash crockery and hurl elephants. Lord Thun has been cured of sulphur drugs. Please send eight thousand pounds to pay all the outstanding bills. This may sound a lot, but remember the obelisk hasn’t cost us a penny.” There. Now, read that back
ECCLES:
What’s this first word?
FX:
Thud!
ECCLES:
Oooooooow! OK, I’ll post it!
BOWELS:
Now for England, home and beauty!
MUSIC:
Naval music for 10 sec. followed by record off needle
GREENSLADE:
Mr Prime Minister, the hon. Bowels has been captured by a savage Bedouin tribe. They demand a ransom of thirty thousand pounds
GLADSTONE:
We’ll pay it. Thirty thousand pounds is very cheap for an Englishman
GREENSLADE:
Yes, sir
GLADSTONE:
Um, ah – any news from the admiralty about the obelisk?
GREENSLADE:
Yes, sir. Er – it is at this moment passing the straits of Gibraltar
GLADSTONE:
Straits of Gibraltar? They sound like nice people
GREENSLADE:
They are, sir
MUSIC:
Extend piano C chord
GREENSLADE:
Meantime, in the Bedouin camp…
MUSIC:
Exotic music; continues under:
BEDOUIN (MILLIGAN?):
Master Seolleagues. There is a British coolie outside from London
SHEIKH (DYALL?):
Send him in
BEDOUIN:
I do…
SHEIKH:
This will be the ransom. Yewel, go behind this screen
BEDOUIN:
[Garbled gibberish]
FX:
Knock on door
SHEIKH:
Come in
FX:
Door opens
MUSIC:
Stops
BLUEBOTTLE:
Greetings, Sheikh. I have brought the ransom money for the release of honourable Bowels
SHEIKH:
Show me the money
BLUEBOTTLE:
No! I will not! I have been warned of the mysteries of the east. I will show you half of the money
SHEIKH:
Alright. Bring me my salt and I will show you half of Mr Bowels
BLUEBOTTLE:
No, no! Do not chop-ped him into two! Here’s the money, for you, twenty thousand pounds!
SHEIKH:
Alright, Bowels, you can come out
BOWELS:
Hah. Haaaaaaaaah! We’re free!
ECCLES:
Yeah, let’s go to the pictures
BOWELS:
No, no, it’s London for us and the erection of Cleopatra’s Needle
L. THUNN:
Well there’s bad news about that. It’s got cut off from the tow ship during the storm and it’s lost, I fear
BOWELS:
Oh dash
MUSIC:
Low and sad Double Bass, Bassoon and Oboe ensemble; continues under Greenslade’s line:
GREENSLADE:
So my master, the hon. Bowels, charted a squadron of Arab dhows to scour the seven seas. Total cost of the venture to date:
thirty-nine thousand pounds
DYALL:
Yes, but as the Honourable Bowels had said so often:
BOWELS:
It’s worth it. After all we’re getting it for nothing, aren’t we? [Laughs, fade, clears throat]
GRAMS:
Waves lapping and water splashing
C. STENCH (SELLERS):
Object in sea ahead! Three points to starboard!
L. THUNN:
Did you hear that?
C. STENCH:
Yes, sir, I said it!
L. THUNN:
You, Bowels?
BOWELS:
I’ve just got the spy glass on it. It is. It… it is, it’s the obelisk. Captain Stench, heave two. No, you’d better heave three to be on the safe side
C. STENCH:
There’s starboard side and port side, but there’s no safe side, sir
L. THUNN:
Well don’t argue, it’s drifting aft. Hurry!
MUSIC:
Very faintly; nautical music; under:
STENCH:
(over, calls) Scran stir the scurndel nay!
SEAMAN:
[Very faintly:]Aye, aye, sir!
STENCH:
Spon gurl the mezzen, arn crungell the wak dorp!
SEAMAN:
[Very faintly:]Aye, aye, sir!
STENCH:
Crage the lagurd and wurtell the cacbid nurl!
SEAMAN:
[Very faintly:]Aye, aye, sir!
STENCH:
Wurgle the tanker yardel Miles the Moby batten the
hatch an' tel the k-neel!
SEAMAN (MILLIGAN):
[Very faintly replies gibberish]
C. STENCH:
[To audience:]I don’t know how he does it, but he’s always so willing you know
SEAMAN (MILLIGAN):
[Very faintly:]Aye, aye, sir!
L. THUNN:
Good news, Bowels. We’ve got the obelisk in tow again, but we have to beach it as soon as it’s waterlogged
BOWELS:
Make for the nearest coast
C. STENCH:
That’s Portugal, sir, and we all know what comes from there. [To seaman:]Hard ablon on the gurd ptneel and vargle the goals!
SEAMAN (MILLIGAN):
[Very faintly replies gibberish] [Stops when FX occurs]
FX:
Something collapsing
C. STENCH:
I don’t know how he does it, sir. I don’t…
MUSIC:
Allegro orchestral end-of-epic link
GLADSTONE:
“Dear Honourable Bowels, We hear that the obelisk is now” – cah – “resting on a Portuguese beach. This will never do. The Silver Jubilee is but a stone’s throw away.”
BOWELS:
Send a reply
FX:
Sawing throughout Bowel’s line:
BOWELS:
“Dear Mr Gladstone, Fear not.” [Fading out:]“The obelisk will be in the pool of London in a stone throw’s time
GRAMS:
Rotary effect from ship; under:
GREENSLADE:
And so my master, the hon. Bowels, brought the great obelisk safely home and supervised its erection
SELLERS:
Ah, pardon me, Mr Hon. Bowels. I believe you have a certain amount of things, which are to be lodged in the base of the old obelisk there
BOWELS:
Yes indeed, there are quite a few things to go in the time capsule. Lord Bentine, check them off on this list, will you?
MUSIC:
Orchestra playing relaxing version of “Land of Hope and Glory”; under Bentine’s line:
BENTINE (SELLERS):
Articles in two large earthenware jars at the base of Cleopatra’s Needle; standard foot and pound; bronze model of the obelisk, scale:
half inch to the foot; copies of the magazine “Engineering”, printed on venom; piece of the obelisk, stone; empress of India rupee; parchment copy of Dr Burch’s translation of the obelisk’s Hieroglyphics; portrait of Queen Victoria; Bradshaw’s Railway Guide; Mapin's (???) skulling razor; box of hairpins and ladies ornaments; Tangeis(?) hydraulic jack as used in raising the obelisk; wire ropes and specimens of submarine cables; map of London; photographs of one dozen pretty English women; two-foot rule; London directory; Whitaker’s Almanac [fades out] and a copy of The Times the day the obelisk was set up
GREENSLADE:
And on the Tond of Mule Eighteen-Onty-Two, the obelisk, Cleopatra’s Needle, was unveiled by Anna Neagle and Anton Walbrook
GRAMS:
Cheering!
L. THUNN:
This must be a proud day for you, hon. Bowels
MUSIC:
Sorrow violin playing; under:
BOWELS:
Thursday. Yes, yes, at last the gap is filled. Filled with an obelisk that we got for nothing
L. THUNN:
Oh, here’s the bill for erecting it
BOWELS:
Twenty-thousand pounds
L. THUNN:
That makes a grand total of a hundred and eighty thousand pounds, eight shillings
BOWELS:
Heh. I… I, um… I, I suppose it was worth it
L. THUNN:
Every penny of it
MUSIC:
Band warming and tuning up. Then starts corny march song; under rest of show:
SECOMBE:
I’ll see you outside then, Pete
GREENSLADE:
Perhaps you have been listening to the authentic story of Cleopatra’s Needle. Historical consultant Professor Toinby that is Professor Jim Toinby of Hyde Park Railings. Write now for full details
SECOMBE:
Is that your shoe on the floor there, mate?
FX:
Fork drops to floor
MORIARTY:
Hohohohoho!
GREENSLADE:
Taking part in “The Reason Why” were Spike Milligan, Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Valentine Dyall. The script by Spike Milligan. Announcer:
Wallace Greenslade and this recorded production was by Jacques Brown
FX:
Occasional raspberries by Secombe and Bloodnok aeoughs until music ends