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humorous, comical and hilarious jokes. Amusing 1950s vintage British radio nostalgia. Old radio farce from the fifties, the first alternative comedy. Available on audio book, CD and download
 Queen Annes Rain Series 9, Episode 8 First broadcast on December 22, 1958. Script by Spike Milligan. Produced by John Browell. GREENSLADE: This is the BBC Light Programme The blame should be spread equally! SECOMBE: Hes right, folks. There are so many in the BBC, the blame can be spread so evenly, it doesnt notice. GREENSLADE: Mr Strecham! How dare you reveal BBC cover-up methods! SECOMBE: Its my duty to protect the public, folks, and for this, I hope to get an OBE. GREENSLADE: And what do you think you are going to do with it? SECOMBE: Id sing it. GREENSLADE: How does it go? SECOMBE: (sings to the tune of Danny Boy?) Oh OBE, I love your daughter. GREENSLADE: So thats the OBE. Oh, I see. I thought it went (sings to the tune of Danny Boy) Oh OBE, the pipes, the pipes are frozen. SECOMBE: Thats the Order of the Garter you silly twilger GREENSLADE: Oh. SECOMBE: And its still in the top ten birthday honours you know. GREENSLADE: Is it? SECOMBE: Yes, it was fourth last week; listen. FX: CASH REGISTER SECOMBE: It sounds like Peter Sellers. Forward him, with his hi-fi lawn mower. SELLERS: (Actor) It records as it cuts, and that is for me. Come. Now, my applause, please. GRAMS: RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE OVER SELLERS: (Actor) Oh yes, yes, yes. GRAMS: APPLAUSE STOPS SUDDENLY SELLERS: (Actor) Im getting known. Its quite obvious, yes. Minstrel, sing that for me. SPRIGGS: (sings, with guitar accompaniment) Im getting knoooown. SECOMBE: How much did he pay you for that? SPRIGGS: A free feel of his Rolls Royce, Jim. SECOMBE: Oh well done, well done, well done. SPRIGGS: (sings) and a fine master is heeeeee. FX: GUNSHOT SPRIGGS: Oh, master SELLERS: (Actor) He had to go. I shot him for nothing, you know. GREENSLADE: Oh you are a kind man. I think its time we had a go at the Grune Show. The scene is a certain place, at a certain time, in a certain year. MILLIGAN: Were not giving anything away tonight, folks. Can we have an attack of the thunders, please? GRAMS: LOUD CRASH OF THUNDER, WIND HOWLING, RAIN POURING UNDER CRUN: Oh yes, thats got it in position. ... Argggh. FX: STRANGE SOUND ENDING IN DUCK CALL (SPROING FOLLOWED BY OYSTER OPENING SOUND) CRUN: Eureka! Ive invented the whoopie cushion! BANNISTER: (off mic) Whats that noise over there? CRUN: What, what? BANNISTER: (off mic) Whats that over there? CRUN: What? BANNISTER: What? CRUN: What are you doing at the window, Min of mine? FX: HEAVY BOOTS WALKING BANNISTER: (on mic) Im counting the rain, Cocky. FX: SOUND OF RAIN QUIETENS CRUN: Come away at once, Min. Supposing people saw you counting rain on a Sunday. What would they say? BANNISTER: Theyd say owww CRUN: You see? I told you so. Now look at the year, 1880. BANNISTER: 1880? Oh, and I havent got the dinner on yet. CRUN: Never mind the 1880 dinner, Min of mine, you get on baiting those elephant traps. BANNISTER: I dont see the point of them you know. CRUN: What? BANNISTER: Weve never caught one. CRUN: That doesnt mean we must stop trying, Min of mine. BANNISTER: Fishtoo. CRUN: Think of the dangers. Supposing you came down one morning for a greens-strainer and found an elephant in the larder, eh? BANNISTER: Well, Ive never seen an elephant in the larder. CRUN: That is because theyre hiding, Min of mine! BANNISTER: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that! CRUN: What? BANNISTER: Where do elephants hide, Buddy? CRUN: Well, I dont know, saxophone Min. But its clear to me that they must hide somewhere, how else could they get away with it for so long? FX: KNOCK ON DOOR BANNISTER AND CRUN: Oooooh. BANNISTER: Whos that? All be murdered in our beds! It might be a man of evil powers! CRUN: What? Min, hand me my tin hat FX: METALLIC NOISE CRUN: ... now my sword FX: SWORD RATTLING CRUN: ... now the blunderbuss. BANNISTER: Brave man, Henry. CRUN: Now Min BANNISTER: Yes? CRUN: Go and see who it is. BANNISTER: Theres somebody who believes in ~~~ Come! Come in! FX: DOOR OPENS SEAGOON: Good Evening, I FX: LOUD EXPLOSION SEAGOON: ARRRRGGHHHH CRUN: Right in the credentials. Now sir ... BANNISTER: Hes the man from the Prudential, Henry. CRUN: Now sir, what do you want? SEAGOON: I want a doctor, mate. CRUN: There is no doctor mate living here sir! SEAGOON: But you must let me in. Ive had an accident, and its starting to show. FX: DOOR CLOSES SEAGOON: Thank you. Im the local squire. CRUN: Ohh, come in. Let me take you hat and coat. FX: BROWN PAPER RUSTLING SEAGOON: Thank you. CRUN: Min, throw these on the fire. BANNISTER: Yes Henry, yes. SEAGOON: I was on my way to London town, when my horse took ill with a puncture. Have you a telephone? BANNISTER: No. But we have a window with a pane of glass missing. SEAGOON: Well, Ill try that. Hello? Hello? FX: TAPPING ON WINDOW SEAGOON: Hello, hello? This windows gone dead. CRUN: Yes, the GPO took it out after a final demand, you know. SEAGOON: How painful. Well, it seems as though Ill have to stay the night here. Have you a bed? CRUN: Not on me sir, we keep them all upstairs you know. SEAGOON: Superstitious, eh? Well, have you a spare room? CRUN: Yes sir, its in the spare room. SEAGOON: Oh, good. Then Ill put my spare body in it, I only wear this one for work, you know. BANNISTER: Youve had a hard day. SEAGOON: Thank you. Ill be off in the morning. BANNISTER: Ohh. But they say the bridge is under water. The River Foot has risen seven inches. CRUN: No Min, the River Severn has risen foot inches. BANNISTER: How can a river rise its foot inches? CRUN: Whos talking about a river with feet?! BANNISTER: Dont you raise your voice to me, Chummy! FX: WOOD BLOCKS SLAPPING OMNES: (Fighting) GRAMS: BREAKING GLASS BANNISTER AND CRUN: Ohhh, arrrghh (lasts 18 seconds) (Ends in loud explosion) BANNISTER: Now Henry, dont make me loose my temper ..Where is he? Henry? SEAGOON: Hes gone. He did a brilliant impression of the ooslum (oozelum) bird. BANNISTER: Then who have I been hitting? WILLIUM: It was me, Ma. I come down in me jamas to get a mug o tea, And Whallop! Thun! Blut! I cops a piano on me nut! SEAGOON: It suits you, though. WILLIUM: Yer. Well I admit, pianos have always suited me, you know sir. I, er, (sniffs) you see, I got a B flat ead, you see. SEAGOON: Oh, I see. WILLIUM: Dead grey (???). SEAGOON: How come youve got you pyjamas on back-to-front? WILLIUM: Well, I turned round suddenly and left em behind . Id better get up to bed now. Good nighty, matey. SEAGOON: Good night? But its breakfast time. WILLIUM: Yes, well I dont like waitin to the last minute, you see theres only one pair of stairs up to my room, and if I miss em I have to wait for the next pair An hour before they get ere . Good night on you. SEAGOON: And good night on you. FX: DOOR OPENS, POURING RAIN, DOOR CLOSES ECCLES: Ello! ello Auntie Min, ello Uncle Crun. CRUN: Hello Muckle. ECCLES: Ello Uncle Crun. SEAGOON: Im squire Seagoon of the Fernakapan Farm. ECCLES: Ello squire Seon o da fernakann fallam. CRUN: Master Muckle, what have you been doing? ECCLES: Ive been watering the garden. SEAGOON: In all the rain? ECCLES: Dont look at me so strange, I had a mackintosh on, my man. CRUN: You must pardon Master Muckle, hes going through the awkward age, you know. BANNISTER: Hes been going through it for 48 years now, you know. SEAGOON: Taking the long way round, eh? Ha ha ... ha hum. ECCLES: I aint never met you before, have I? SEAGOON: No. ECCLES: You see, I remembered! CRUN: Hes training you know. ECCLES: Im training you know. CRUN: Next week hes entering the World Sleeping Contest! SEAGOON: Why isnt he in bed, training? ECCLES: Oww. FX: DOOR OPENS ECCLES: Wow its . GELDRAY: Hold everything boy. I bring bad news boy. SEAGOON: Gad, it's a genuine Diana Dors cast of a wrestler. GELDRAY: No boy, Im the town crier! SEAGOON: Well start crying then. GELDRAY: Listen boy, dont laugh at me; I dont get any extra money for doing these parts. SEAGOON: Sounds like a fair arrangement. GELDRAY: The valley is flooded boy. CRUN: Eccles! You watered those flowers too much I tell you! ECCLES: Oooohh GELDRAY: The bridge to London is under water. Its a dead loss. SEAGOON: So are you mate . . . Get your conk on top of the old harmonica and well fortify ourselves with the old brandy. FX: RUNNING FEET INTERVAL: Max plays that tune GREENSLADE: Part two, by which time it had been raining for forty days and forty nights, making a grand total of eighty days and nights. The waters rose, and then, at dawn .this! ORCHESTRA: BLOODNOK THEME FX: THUNDER, RAIN POURING, MORE THUNDER BLOODNOK: Ohh oh..oh, what must the neighbours think? I say, Ellinga? What's happened? ELLINGA: (Ray Ellington) Yara upmagola Murum uga toot tola mumoo. Ora gola. Arrrum Blighme Oh. BLOODNOK: You too eh? Now, Wheres me breakfast? FX: CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING ELLINGA: Meega! BLOODNOK: Me Chota Housa (???) FX: HAMMER ON ANVIL REPEATEDLY UNDER BLOODNOK: Aeiough, uh, Ellinga! How long did you boil this egg? FX: KNOCK ON DOOR BLOODNOK: How long did you boil that door? SEAGOON: Major, open this egg! FX: DOOR OPENS, WATER SLOSHING BLOODNOK: How dare you bring all that water into my house?! Get out, water! SEAGOON: Its no use shouting at it. That water is deaf. BLOODNOK: What a tragedy! Deaf water. Explain sir! Why are you floating through me bedroom on a piano? SEAGOON: I was sleeping on it, in the key of G, when suddenly the great dam burst! BLOODNOK: You filthy swine I shall see my solicitor SEAGOON: Cut it out please, and get on. The floods are rising at a rate of three and sixpence an hour! BLOODNOK: Ohhh are they? Well, I must first dive down to the basement and collect the tenants rent. FX: SPLASH BUBBLES SEAGOON: While hes gone, heres a joke It appears that there were two men, you see, a Scottish man, a Jewish man, and they were having lunch together. After the meal the bill was proffered and the Scotsman was heard to say he would pay for it. Next day a Jewish ventriloquist was found murdered. Ha ha, yes, ha ha. Of course if I have offended the Scots by this story we can always tell the story so that it ends up with the Scots ventriloquist being murdered you see. (clear throat) Or on the other hand if we have offended both of them we substitute another race. Ha ha. Well to be on the safe side I should have told a story with different races all together. Now pay attention please Now the asbervil cup (???) ...???)... BLOODNOK: Arggh. Excuse me sir, they were all out, never mind, I had to turn the gas off, so it didnt matter. Now, just fit this outboard motor onto the piano and . FX: OUTBOARD MOTOR SPEEDS UP GREENSLADE: Meantime, from the comparative safety of a long disused factory chimney, a French scrag reviews his financial position. MORIARTY: One empty tin FX: TIN DROPS ON FLOOR MORIARTY: One fishbone al le gun (???) FX: FISHBONE DROPS ON FLOOR MORIARTY: One ostrich formidàble (???) FX: METAL HITS FLOOR MORIARTY: Piece of string FX: CLANG GRYTPYPE: Hello! MORIARTY: Owwwww. GRYTPYPE: So! Youve been keeping these things from me, eh? FX: SLAP MORIARTY: Ow! GRYTPYPE: Now, put all that stuff in my name, at once! MORIARTY: (gummy) Im sorry Grytpype, GRYTPYPE: Well then? MORIARTY: Sorry Grytpype can I have my teeth back for Christmas? GRYTPYPE: Here is the pawn ticket. MORIARTY: (gummy) You pawned my teeth?! You swine of a swine! GRYTPYPE: What?! MORIARTY: (gummy) I challenge you to a duel! Name your weapon! GRYTPYPE: Teeth! MORIARTY: (gummy) Im lost! GRYTPYPE: Dont take it to heart, steam Count. I have a feeling that any moment now our star will wax. Get you ear to the ground and hear what your ear can hear. OMNES: rhubarb, rhubarb GRAMS: CHICKEN CLUCKING YOKEL3: (Sellers) Ere come the squire now, a ha. SEAGOON: I have called this meeting because of all this extraordinary weather. YOKEL3: I read in the paper that its Queen Annes reign. BANNISTER: So, its Queen Annes rain were getting, is it? Shes responsible? SEAGOON: This is a very serious allegation against Queen Anne. If this is Queen Annes rain, then we must ask her to stop it! BLOODNOK: Im a military man sir; its my duty as a senior scoundrel to ask her majesty, Queen Anne, to leave off raining. JAMPTON: (Milligan) What are we going to do in the meantime? I mean ..Argh SEAGOON: I dont know how to stop rain folks. If there was anybody who could, theyd be worth their weight in gold. FX: TWO WHOOSHES MORIARTY: We weigh 20 stone! SEAGOON: Who are you? Explain those frayed collars. GRYTPYPE: They are part of our entourage. We were resting in the Urals when we saw your plight. SEAGOON: I must draw the blinds. GRYTPYPE: This man, clenching a do-it-yourself beetroot, is Count Jim Naboolas FX: CASTANETS MORIARTY: Owwww GRYTPYPE: Moriarty; who will unleash a truth upon you! MORIARTY: The sky over England is leaking! And thats why the rain is getting in! OMNES: rhubarb YOKEL1: (Secombe) Hes taking out the back of is ead! GRYTPYPE: Of course he is. That is where he keeps his words; it took him years to get it right, you know? The Count continues. MORIARTY: Yes, I suggest . FX: SPLAT GRYTPYPE: Who threw that steaming pudding at the Count?! YOKEL2: (Milligan) I did. GRYTPYPE: Theres two of us, you know! FX: SPLAT GRYTPYPE: Owww. Thank you. SEAGOON: Wait! You two men claim that the sky is leaking? What proof have you? MORIARTY: Water proof! GRYTPYPE: Moriarty, play him our qualifications. FX: SCRAP METAL MORIARTY: (sings with piano accompaniment) And theres more where that came from, I dont mean maybe, more where that came froooooom. FX: SLAP SPLASH MORIARTY: Owwww. GRYTPYPE: There, recorded at sea. SEAGOON: Im sorry I ever doubted you. GRYTPYPE: And now, good villagers, this is our plan; we will sue the government for neglecting to keep in good repair, the sky over Upper Dicker village. OMNES: (yokel) Arr, oh, FX: SPED UP CHICKEN SQUORKS? GRYTPYPE: We will of course need scientific premises. Tell me, has this village got a laboratory? SEAGOON: Could you spell that? GRYTPYPE: And ruin the gag? Never sir. Come Moriarty. ORCHESTRA: THE ARCHERS THEME SLIGHTLY SPEEDED UP GREENSLADE: That was a special arrangement of the houses of parliament in the key of C. HERN: (Sellers) And now folks, a big hern for the hairy Speaker, hern. ORCHESTRA: WHO WANTS TO BE HAPPY? OMNES: shouting ELDER: (Secombe) Thank you . Ahhh silence .on the floor (???) .Arghhh FX: BODY HITS FLOOR CHURCHILL: (Sellers) There he goes. Honourable members a serious situation has arisen. OMNES: rhubarb, dont believe it! rhubarb CHURCHILL: Im glad you all came. TORY TWIT: (Milligan) Mr Prime Minister, (long, unintelligible question) ... spring tide ...Thank you. CHURCHILL: Im coming to that sir; first, the grave news. The village of Upper Dicker has accused Queen Anne of reigning too long. ELDER: (Secombe - sounding nearly dead) Ohhh arrrrrrrr eh CHURCHILL: You choose your words well, sir. The villagers have insurrected! MILLIGAN: (off mic) The swines! CHURCHILL: So I have, this day, despatched a steam gunboat up the River Steam Dicker. OMNES: hear hear. GREENSLADE: And that is the end of Today in Parliament. Meantime, here is a non-sequitor entitled Ray Ellington. INTERVAL: Ray Ellington Quartet Play Too Marvellous for Words Applause. GREENSLADE: Meantime, three men are trying to cross the River Dicker by iron bedstead. FX: WATER FLOWING UNDER SEAGOON: Well, it hasn't sunk yet! BLOODNOK: Its not in the river yet. SEAGOON: I know, but if it doesnt sink on land, thats half the battle. BLOODNOK: Loo! SEAGOON: Whats Loo? BLOODNOK: Half a battle; Water-Loo! Ha ha! ECCLES: We got a water loo in our garden (waits for audience laughter not a sausage). Apparently nobody else has. BLOODNOK: Never mind, we cant live forever, you know. ECCLES: Oh no? You just wait and see, Bloodnok! BLOODNOK: Oh, very well, I will! ECCLES: Ok (lip smacking noises) BLOODNOK: Well, come on, Im waiting. ECCLES: All right, Im living forever as fast as I can. BLOODNOK: Youre a phoney, Mad Dan Eccles! ECCLES: Get on wid it. Im getting tired, lyin in bed. My mother said that its not good for young men to lie in bed. SEAGOON: Get back in kip! Youre in training. Now, all stand on the bed, and lift it quickly, before we realise it cant be done. Hup. FX: SPLASH BLOODNOK: Its floating! And it fits the river perfectly! SEAGOON: Its as I plinned, planned, plooned and plinged! Tonight, well be in the London. With luck, Eccles should win the sleeping contest, and, with the prize money, we can afford a new sky over Dicker! ECCLES: ere, whos de captain of dis bed? BLUEBOTTLE: I am! Sea Ranger Bottle of de Royal Upper Dicker Navy! Stand clear of the bed for action. FX: SLAP BLUEBOTTLE: Oh! My nut! You try dat again! FX: SLAP BLUEBOTTLE: Ohh! Ill give you one more chance. Just you do dat again. FX: SLAP BLUEBOTTLE: Oh! Dont do dat again. ECCLES: Listen Mr Sealoon, if you hit Bottle, you hit me! FX: SLAP ECCLES: Oh, he hit me! He hit me Bottle! BLUEBOTTLE: You hit him again! FX: SLAP ECCLES: Owwwww BLUEBOTTLE: Eccles, you better get out of ere before you get killed! GRAMS: LOUD EXPLOSION SEAGOON: Major Bloodnok! What was that explosion aft? BLOODNOK: Dont ask lad. Dont ask! Look, a naval sloop, and its firing sails (???) addressed to us! GREENSLADE: Ahoy HMS Fairycake! FLOWERDEW: (Sellers) Oh! GREENSLADE: ~~~ ~~~ (line drowned out by audience laughter) Dicker, anyone who does will be incarcerated! BLOODNOK: You filthy swine! SEAGOON: Very well, well chain the river to its banks. Oh ho. FX: SWANNEE WHISTLE DOWN - EXPLOSION BLOODNOK: Ohhh! ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS OMNES: rhubarb rhubarb SEAGOON: What is it? YOKEL2: (Milligan) Theres a strange monster, sir. GRYTPYPE: Good villagers, this is a hot air Goldolphus balloon in which we will ascend to repair your sky, as soon as Squire Seagoon returns with the money. SEAGOON: Stop! Bad news! MORIARTY: Bad news? That sounds like bad news! SEAGOON: The brass bedstead was sunk by naval gunfire and Eccles went down with his mattress! Worse still .he came up again. MORIARTY: So, theres no money!!!!! Owwww!! Argh!!! GRAMS: EXPLOSION GRYTPYPE: He took that badly. Well gentlemen, no money no repairs. But worst of all, (sobs) no money. ORCHESTRA: DRAMATIC CHORDS GRAMS: RAIN POURING UNDER GREENSLADE: And still it rained. The waters rose and, because of his build, Mr Secombe was the first in danger of drowning. CRUN: What are you doing at the window Min? BANNISTER: (blows bubbles) CRUN: Oh dear, this means we shall have to move up a floor again. FX: DOOR OPENS SEAGOON: Good news! Queen Annes stopped reigning! BLOODNOK: Thank heavens! I thought shed never stop. ECCLES: At last! A happy ending! BLOODNOK: Not quite! FX: GUNSHOT ECCLES: Ohhh! BLOODNOK: That is a happy ending! Yes, well (sniffs) thats about all there is really, I suppose Youd better get out of here as quick as you can. You know. ORCHESTRA: SIG TUNE  |
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