Goon Show Quotes
As well as it catchphrases, characters and sound effects, The Goon Show included some wonderful sketches and comedy quotes. Here are some examples from various episodes...
Tales of Old Dartmoor
Bluebottle: Me and Eccles know where it's gone, Captain.
Eccles: Yeah. We know.
Seagoon: Splendid, lads. Tell me where it is and I'll reduce your sentence from two years to four.
Bluebottle: Well, it, er, went, um- Thinks: Where did it went? It wented- Eccles?
Bluebottle: Do you remember, Eccles?
Eccles: Oh yeah, I remember Eccles.
Bluebottle: Well, does he know where it wented?
Eccles: I'll ask him: Do you know where it wented?
Bluebottle: What does he say, Eccles?
Eccles: He hasn't answered yet, I think he's out.
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh, Neddie.
Seagoon: Curses, I'm spotted.
Grytpype-Thynne: Why are you wearing that leopard-skin?
Seagoon: So that's why I'm spotted.
Grytpype-Thynne: Tell me, where are you taking that gold?
Seagoon: I had to think of a good excuse.
Grytpype-Thynne: You're stealing it, aren't you, Neddie?
Seagoon: Blast! Why didn't I think of that?
Grytpype-Thynne: We'll have to give you a week's notice.
Seagoon: Why? What have I done?
Grytpype-Thynne: Nothing, but we're having to cut down on staff. You see, there's been a robbery. Um, would you get that van started while I get my hat and coat?
Seagoon: You coming too?
Grytpype-Thynne: There's no point in staying. There's more money in the van than there is in the bank.
Seagoon: Very well, we'll be partners.
Seagoon: I give you my hand.
Grytpype-Thynne: I gave him my foot, it was a fair swap.
Announcer: Ten miles he swam. The last three were agony.
Seagoon: They were over land. Finally I fell in a heap on the ground. I've no idea who left it there.
Tale of Men's Shirts
Bluebottle: Now, man, I was trained in Judo by the great Bert. Using the body as a counter-pivot to displace the opponent, I use the great Bert's method of throwing the opponent to his death! Be warned, Moriarty, one false move and you die by Bert's method!
Moriarty: Take that!
Bluebottle: AHOO! Wait till I see that twit Bert.
Eccles: You- you hit my friend Bottle again and see what happens!
Eccles: See, that's what happens!
The Scarlet Capsule
Seagoon: We can't stand around here doing nothing. People will think we're workmen!
Seagoon: Unexploded German skulls? I hadn't thought of that.
Bloodnok: Elephant soup with squodge spuds.
Seagoon: I hadn't thought of that either.
Bloodnok: Sabrina in the bath.
Seagoon: Ha, ha, ha, ha! I do have some spare time.
The Macreekie Rising of '74
Chisholm: Hairy Scots, tonight we march north to England!
Secombe: But England's south!
Chisholm: Aye, we're gonna march right round the world and sneak up on them from behind!
Seagoon: Well, these earplugs seem to be all right. How much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds.
Seagoon: How much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100- Aha. Take your earplugs out.
Seagoon: Why don't you answer? I asked you, how much do you want for them?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds!
Seagoon: That's funny. I can't hear him.
Grytpype-Thynne: They cost 100- Look, take out the earplugs.
Seagoon: Stop all that silly miming, man! How much?
Grytpype-Thynne: 100 pounds!
Seagoon: I've had enough of this, Bloodnok. He obviously doesn't want to do business. Come on, get out, get out! Get out! You steaming English idiot.
Grytpype-Thynne: No, no, no! Look here-
Seagoon: 100 pounds for earplugs we can hear through? Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha! Not likely!
Six Charlies in Search of an Author
Seagoon: Major Bloodnok! I didn't recognise you in that false room!
Bloodnok: Well I was only wearing it to keep the rain off. I wouldn't wear it out of doors, of course.
Seagoon: Of course. Let me help you off with it.
Bloodnok: Thank you. Good heavens! We're outside and it's raining in the direction of down!
Seagoon: We'd better put your room on in the direction of on!
Bloodnok: That's better. It's much warmer with this direction on. Now Neddie, pull up a chair and sit down.
Seagoon: I'd rather stand, if you don't mind.
Bloodnok: Well, pull up a floor then.
Bloodnok: It's a copper.
Spriggs: I'm not a policeman!
Bloodnok: I beg your pardon, madam.
Spriggs: I'm not a policewoman either!
Bloodnok: I say, you're cutting it fine, aren't you?
Insurance - The White Man's Burden
Spriggs: I'll just make out this bill of sale. How do you spell penguin?
Spriggs: How do you pronounce it?
Spriggs: I'll write that down. E-Z-L-X-Q. Drat this pen! It can't spell.
Seagoon: Wait a minute, perhaps it's the ink that can't spell. Let me taste it.
Spriggs: Righto Jim, righto Jim.
Seagoon: P-E-N-G- No, no, this ink's all right.
Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.
The Missing No. 10 Downing Street
William: Well, sir, it's like this, see. At 12.30 a monster lorry draws up outside, ten men jump out and wallop me on the head. I turn round to see who it was, and wallop, wallop, on my head again. I stood up, you see, have a quick barder, no-one there and wallop, wallop, wallop, all on my head! As I took out my notebook, all official like, wallop! Wallop, wallop, on my head, all wallops all over my head. And then-
Seagoon: Yes, yes, yes, but did you notice anything about these men?
William: I noticed they kept walloping me on the head.
Bloodnok: Still too dark to see a thing. Thurn me blins! Who is it? Hands up!
Eccles: I can't put my hands up, I-
Bloodnok: Hands up or I fire!
Bloodnok: Now what's happened?
Eccles: I was riding a bike!
The Red Fort
Bloodnok: What's the matter with you this morning, Seagoon? Why have you got such a long face?
Seagoon: Heavy dentures, sir.
Bloodnok: I see. Well, have you seen a doctor?
Seagoon: Yes, I just saw one walking down the road.
Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
Seagoon: Don't worry, we've brought one with us.
Foiled By President Fred
Eccles: Are you Neddie Seagoon?
Seagoon: I am.
Eccles: Oh, good. You been waiting long?
Eccles: Who for?
Seagoon: You, you idiot!
Eccles: Oh! Fine.
Seagoon: Now, how do I get through the firing line to President Fred's headquarters?
Eccles: How do you get there? You go straight up that road there.
Seagoon: But they're shooting down it!
Eccles: Oh! Don't go that way! You take this road here. They're not shooting up that one.
Seagoon: That road doesn't lead to it!
Eccles: Oh! Don't take that one!
Robin Hood and His Merry Men
Spriggs: Ding-dong! Clang! Clang! Ding-dong-dang-dang! Hear ye! Ding-dang! Stolen! One bell!.
The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler of Bexhill-on-Sea
Henry: Here, Minnie, hold my elephant gun.
Minnie: I don't know what you brought it for. You can't shoot elephants in England, you know.
Henry: And why not?
Minnie: They're out of season.
Henry: Does this mean we shall have to have pelican for dinner again?
Minnie: I fear so, I fear so.
Henry: Then I'll risk it. I'll shoot an elephant out of season.
Seagoon: We tried using a candle, but it wasn't very bright and we daren't light it.
Seagoon: As I swam ashore, I dried myself to save time.
The Histories of Pliny the Elder
Moriarty: I see that ten years in Britain have not changed your Imperial Roman outlook, Caesar.
Caesar (G): True, Moriartus, always a Roman eye.
Moriarty: Will you take wine?
Caesar: No thanks, I think I'll have a half of mild and a packet of crisps.
The Jet-Propelled Naafi
Eccles: I resign! You speak to my secretary! You can't talk to a government minister like that! I won't be out of work long, you'll see! I'll get that Ministry of Fisheries job! You watch! I've kept goldfish!
Announcer: Mr. Eccles, Mr. Eccles, we are not for one moment doubting your sincerity. It's just your intelligence that's in question.
Eccles: Well, I accept your apology.
Moriarty: Be quiet, or I'll tell them who sold those three cardboard tanks.
Bloodnok: What? It's all lies! In any case, they never paid me! Is there no honesty? Do you know what happened to me last night?
Bloodnok: Thank heaven for that!
The Evils of Bushey Spon
Idiot: Ahar! I've got the pencil.
Seagoon: That's a steamroller!
Idiot: Is it? I'll kill that blasted store keeper!
William: This lamp-post's gonna be a boon. You see, at the present, I have to walk ten miles every night to the one in the village.
William: I keep a dog, you see.
Lurgi Strikes Britain
Seagoon: One morning in may I was going through an old dustbin, when my valet announced a visitor.
Valet: Pardon me sir, there is a visitor to see you.
Seagoon: Right. Headstone, put my lunch back in the dustbin and send him in.
Valet: This way, sir.
Moriarty: Ah, my dear Doctor Seagoon. Allow me. My card.
Seagoon: My card.
Valet: My card.
Moriarty: Snap! And now, my friend, to business. My name is Count Moriarty. Have you ever heard of lurgi?
Seagoon: There's no one of that name here.
Moriarty: You, you and you alone will go down in history. Think: Louis Pasteur, Madame Curie, and now, you!
Seagoon: I agree. But what's Lurgi got to do with me and Pasteur and the other painters?
The International Christmas Pudding
Henry: Do you mind taking those noisy boots off?
Minnie: Ah, that's better.
Minnie: Oh! I didn't know he had three legs, Henry!
Henry: He hasn't, Min. He hasn't. He has a one-legged friend. Goodnight, Min.
Minnie: Goodnight, buddy.
Henry: Oh! He's got two one-legged friends!
Minnie: It's that or one three-legged friend.
Seagoon: There. I've sawn off all four legs.
German 1: Strange. The first time I've known of a piano with four legs.
Eccles: Hey! I keep falling down!
Seagoon: I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing in that coffee pot.
Grytpype-Thynne: I know, we had the lid down.
Seagoon: We? Where's your friend?
Grytpype-Thynne: He's up the spout.
Spriggs: Great Jupiter, mate. Is that thing a flea?
William: No, it's an 'orse, mate.
Spriggs: A horse?
Spriggs: Take his hat off.
Spriggs: You're right, it is a horse.
The Treasure of Loch Lomond
Moriarty: Three days we've stood waist-deep in this ice-bound Loch Lomond. What's the idea, eh?
Grytpype-Thynne: Don't you like fishing, Moriarty?
Moriarty: Fishing?! Oh-type-oh! We haven't any rods! How do you catch fish like this?
Grytpype-Thynne: Well, they've got to die some time. We just wait until then.
The Greenslade Story
Interviewer: Get out, you idiot!
Eccles: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! But you ain't even heard me speak yet!
Interviewer: We'll write to you.
Eccles: Well, that's no good, I can't read.
Seagoon: Wait! I've got a hunch-
Grytpype-Thynne: It suits you!
Wings Over Dagenham
Chisholm: If it's not a rude question, sir, what's it supposed to be?
Seagoon: I wish I knew. I'd feel much happier.
Chisholm: You said it was to be a mangle.
Seagoon: Yes, I know. But I added a bit here and a bit there, and it got completely out of hand.
Chisholm: I'll tell you what, mon - you get in the seat and I'll swing the propeller.
Bloodnok: Fort Spon will fall any day now.
Milligan: But we've just had it wallpapered!
Bloodnok: That's no use, I tell you. The defenders are weaponless! Some swine sold the men's rifles to the enemy for ten thousand pounds.
Milligan: How much?
Bloodnok: Just a minute, I'll count it again.
Milligan: You mean-
Bloodnok: Yes, ten thousand pounds.
Milligan: You mean that those men have only got bullets to defend themselves?
Seagoon: Calling, B4. Calling, B4. Hello? Control calling, B4.
Bluebottle: Hello, Captain!
Seagoon: Is that you, B4?
Seagoon: Why didn't you answer me, B4?
Bluebottle: Because I didn't hear you B4.
Seagoon: Listen, warning - do not land at Croydon Airport because it's not there yet.
Bluebottle: Righto then.
Seagoon: Now, what is your exact position?
Bluebottle: I'm lying on my side, with my knees drawn up under my chin.
Bluebottle: I'm at home in bed
The Rent Collectors
Moriarty: Just get on this bus.
Seagoon: Does it go past the house?
Moriarty: Yes, but you can jump off.
The Man Who Never Was
Seagoon: Suddenly, the footman came over and tapped me on the shoulder with his foot.
Footman: Pardon me, sir. Colonel Gore would be pleased to see you out on the balcony, sir.
Seagoon: Oh, he's out there, is he?
Footman: No, he's in here, that's why he'd be pleased to see you out there.
Seagoon: Well, I think I'll go out for a breath of fresh air.
Footman: Thank you, sir, that'll save us opening the window. Oh, and pardon me, sir, your taxi's outside.
Seagoon: I know.
Footman: Well please, sir, would you move it on a bit further, sir?
Milligan: Someone's coming up the stairs, sir!
Bloodnok: What?! Quick, burn this on the fire.
Milligan: Right. What is it?
Bloodnok: A piece of coal.
The Case of the Missing CD Plates
Seagoon: Here I was, freshly run over with my bagpipes irreparably flattened, and without a remedy. The weight of the steamroller had made a lasting impression on me. I was now two inches thick and twenty-four feet wide. This- this was very awkward. People kept opening and shutting me.
Seagoon: Bloodnok, I need your help.
Bloodnok: I'm sorry, it's her day off.
World War 1
Officer 2: Gentlemen, I think you should know that we're at war.
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh! Was it something we've said?
Officer 2: Heavens, no. We want a decent chap to fly to Germany to try and capture one of the enemy... intact.
Moriarty: Ah! What's it worth?
Officer 2: Well, for the chap who's successful, there'll be a nice little nest-egg waiting for him.
Moriarty: Oh? How much in money?
Officer 2: No money, I told you. He'll get a nest with an egg in it.
Moriarty: I should risk my life for an egg and a nest?
Officer 2: Chickens do it all the time!
The Nasty Affair at the Burami Oasis
Grytpype-Thynne: The oasis is only ten feet long, they'll never get a battleship in it.
Moriarty: They could stand it up on one end.
Grytpype-Thynne: The British don't operate that way.
Moriarty: Nonsense. I've seen them walking to work like that!
The Call of the West
Eccles: The wagon train with your wife on board has been attacked by the Indians!
Captain: My wife? Is she safe?
Captain: I never did like them Indians.
Lt. Hern: Did they follow you?
Eccles: Yeah. They were shooting at me all the time. But I just stuck my tongue out at them.
Lt. Hern: Get wounded?
Lt. Hern: Where?
Eccles: In the tongue.
The Last Smoking Seagoon
Seagoon: Gad! What will you think of next?
Bloodnok: Well, I think I'll say I'm not staying on this ship. I've been beaten, flogged, keel-hauled, mutinied, tarred, hung from the yard-arm, lashed to the mast, and also an unpleasant incident east of the wind.
Seagoon: But a sailor must expect these things!
Bloodnok: Sailor? I'm a first-class passenger, sir!
Seagoon: You're a first-class-
Bloodnok: Yes, I know, I know.
Seagoon: I need your help!
Bloodnok: What? Well, you can stand by me to rely on you.
Seagoon: Back in the BBC listening room, I struggled to free myself before the dynamite exploded.
Bloodnok: Don't worry, Seagoon.
Seagoon: Bloodnok! Eccles!
Bloodnok: Quick, untie him.
Eccles: OK, I'd better hurry up before the-
Eccles: That's got his legs free.
Seagoon: Yes, but where are they?
Eccles: Here they are.
Seagoon: Oh, horror of horrors!
Eccles: Who, me?
Seagoon: Dear faithful old hairy English Tommy! Ten years you waited here rather than disobey that last order I gave you. Stay here till I came back, I said to him. He waited alone in the desert. He never wavered from his duty. He kept the name of servitude shining bright. Eccles - Eccles - you upheld the flag. You never questioned the order. You stayed out here alone. You, without food or water. You, without money. You, without anything to stop you walking away. You! You IDIOT!
Ill Met by Goonlight
Seagoon: Now Major, what's all this spaghetti hurling about?
Bloodnok: Well, you see, lad, it's the Bloodnok method of ending the war, you see. Each commando is issued with an army sock full of lukewarm spaghetti, and when he meets a Hun full-face, it's WHOOSH - PUTT - NUK - MCNOOL! Right in the square-head's mush. And by the time the Jerries have scraped it off, it's too late! The pubs are all shut, lad!
Seagoon: But why use spaghetti?
Bloodnok: Don't you see, you military fool? When a German is struck with the full force of spaghetti he'll think the Italians have turned on them, you see!
Seagoon: What a brilliantly mediocre idea! You'll get an OBE for this.
Bloodnok: Oh good, my last one died.
Seagoon: Well, we've all got to go some time.
Bloodnok: Yes, I went this morning, it was hell in there.
I Was Monty's Treble
German 1: Montgomery is always flying backwards and forwards between England-
German 2: They have planes that fly backwards?
German 1: Private Schnutz, I have bad news for you.
German 2: Private? I am a general!
German 1: That is the bad news.
The Seagoon Memoirs
Minnie: Oh, Henry, after all these years, our own piano!
Henry: Yes, all our own. At last, we can take a bath.
The Whistling Spy Enigma
Seagoon: Through the pigeonhole flew a carrier pigeon. There was something attached to its leg. It was a postman.
Moriarty: I warn you. I shall count up to a highly skilled forty thousand, and then I'll shoot!
Seagoon: Forty thousand?
Moriarty: Yes, I've got to go home for my gun.
Seagoon: When I saw that he was a dwarf, I was all for attacking him right away, but Bloodnok stopped me.
Bloodnok: No, wait till he gets older.
Seagoon: Finally, on his ninety-third birthday, we sprang!
The Affair of the Lone Banana
Henry: Now, let's get some details and documents - we must have documents, you know.
Seagoon: Of course.
Henry: ... must have documents. Now, what was this all about? Let me - oh yes, yes. Now, your name?
Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
Henry: N-E-D-D-I-E Neddie. What was next?
Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
Henry: Pugh, P-H-E-W.
Seagoon: No, no, it's pronounced 'Phew' but it's spelt 'Pug'.
Henry: Oh, mmmmm, Pug, yes, P-U-G-H.
Henry: There, Neddie Pugh . Seagoon wasn't it?
Seagoon: Yes, S-E-A-G-O-O-N.
Henry: Could you spell it?
Seagoon: Certainly: S-E-A-G-O-O-N.
Henry: Seagoon, S-E-A, er, mnkk ... mnkk (goes to sleep.)
Seagoon: G-O-O-N, Seagoon.
Henry: O-O-N . aahhh good, good, good . there, ZZZZZ (snoring). Oh yes yes yes, good, yes, the full name. Now then, address?
Seagoon: No fixed abode.
Henry: No ... F-I-X-E-D, fixed ... A-B ...
Henry: O-D-E. There we are, no fixed abode. What number?
Henry: Twenty nine A.
Henry: Twenty nine ... A. District?
Seagoon: London, S.W.2.
Henry: L-O-N-D-O-N, Southwest. E-S-T ... Two, wasn't it?
Seagoon: Yes, two.
Henry: T-W- ... It's no good, I'd better get a pencil and paper and write all this down.
Announcer: Neddie Seagoon arrived at the port of Guatemala, where he was accorded the typical Latin welcome to an Englishman.
Moriarty: Hands up, you pig swine. [spits]
Seagoon: Have a care, Latin devil. I am an Englishman. Remember, this rolled umbrella has more uses than one!
Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!
The Greatest Mountain in the World
Bloodnok: Mount Everest- it's five miles high, isn't it? Yes?
Bloodnok: But it measures twelve miles across the bottom!
Bloodnok: Well, all we need to do is to tip Mount Everest on its side, and we'll have a mountain twelve miles high!
Seagoon: How do you intend tipping Mount Everest on its side?
Bloodnok: Well, isn't it obvious?
Bloodnok: Then I have another idea.
The Mystery of the Marie Celeste (solved)
Seagoon: He was a tall, vile man, dressed in the naval uniform of a sea-going sailor. Under his left arm he held a neatly rolled anchor, while with his right he scanned the horizon with a pair of powerful kippers.
The Last Tram (from Clapham)
Sellers: Inside, it was pitch black and dark as well. To make it worse, there were no lights on. Luckily, the tunnel was only twenty yards wide, so Ned Seagoon was able to stretch out his arms and feel his way along both sides.
The Spanish Suitcase
Moriarty: I might say whoever planned the robbery must be a man of the highest intelligence, with the courage of a lion!
Seagoon: So you suspect me?
Moriarty: A Britisher has already been encasseroled in the Madrid jail and sentenced to 94 years, Senor.
Seagoon: So he was found guilty, eh?
Moriarty: I don't know, they haven't tried him yet.
Seagoon: Do you think they suspect him?
Moriarty: That's difficult to say.
Seagoon: Do-you-think-they-suspect-him. Hm, it is a bit difficult to say, yes.
Under Two Floorboards
Grytpype-Thynne: Nephew Neddie! Enjoying the ball?
Seagoon: Immensely! I've danced every dance!
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh? Who's the lucky girl?
Seagoon: Oh, I don't bother with them! I'm much better on my own!
The Sinking of Westminster Pier
Seagoon: The day before the valuable Westminster Pier sank, it was inspected and certified river-worthy!
Milligan: Who was the man who inspected it?
Sellers: It was none other than-
Seagoon: I resign!
Sellers: Resignation accepted... on the grounds of incompetence. Anyone else want the old job there?
Seagoon: I'll take it on.
Sellers: Right, name?
Seagoon: Ned Seagoon.
Sellers: Same as the last bloke. All right, carry on.
Moriarty: Pardon me, my ami. Mon card.
Seagoon: Thank you... but there's nothing on it!
Moriarty: Look on the other side.
Seagoon: Oh! A silly place to have it printed. On the back. Now what's this? 'Messrs Fred Moriarty Limited, Sunken Westminster Floating Pier Salvage Experts'? Gad! Just the man we want!
Moriarty: Sapristi! You mean the Westminster floating pier has sunk?
Moriarty: At last! Employment!
Bloodnok: Seagoon! Yes, of course, I remember! Didn't your father have a son?
Seagoon: Oh, aha, I never asked him about his private affairs.
Bloodnok: Seagoon, of course, of course, yes. I knew your father before you were born!
Seagoon: I didn't.
Bloodnok: I wish you had, things might have been different.
The Mysterious Punch-Up-The-Conker
Seagoon: What did this attacker look like?
William: I dunno, I dunno, I didn't see him, mate.
Seagoon: I see. And would you recognise him if you didn't see him again?
William: Straight away! Although you know, sir, I must admit, me eyes ain't what they used to be.
William: No, they used to be me ears.
The White Box of Great Bardfield
Seagoon: London, 1901. That was a good year for England. Well, we'd have looked silly without it, wouldn't we?
The Tales of Montmartre
Seagoon: I want to buy a twenty-foot easel.
Henry: Twenty-foot? Whatever for?
Seagoon: I want people to think I'm tall.
Henry: But if you stand by a twenty-foot easel, it'll make you look even shorter.
Seagoon: That's just it. I'm not going to stand by it. I'll stand somewhere else. Ha, ha, I'm not a fool, you know!
Henry: If you're not going to stand near it, why buy it?
Seagoon: I've got to buy it so as to have something tall not to stand by! It's no good not standing by something tall that's not there, is it?
Henry: Supposing someone comes in unexpectedly when you're standing near it?
Seagoon: Then I shall deny every word of it and stand on a ladder.
Fifi: Don't try and fight it, darling. This is bigger than both of us. Look!
Seagoon: Gad! A photo of the Eiffel Tower!
Seagoon: To try to draw her attention I set fire to myself. It moved her. She fried an egg on me.
The Mystery of the Fake Neddie Seagoons
Seagoon: But wait - there's somebody in the dustbin with me. He's coming over. I'll- I'll pretend I haven't seen him.
The String Robberies
Chisholm: The black-bearded criminal must have got in through the door or the windows. Everything else was locked.
The White Neddie Trade
Seagoon: Wait! What's this in the corner?
Eccles: Shhh. Don't wake him up.
Seagoon: Why not?
Eccles: He's asleep.
Seagoon: Here, let's have a look... These are the bagpipes!
Eccles: Oh! I thought it was a spider in a tartan sweater!
Bluebottle: Throws large stone. Forgets to let go, hits head on tree. AHOOO!
The Spon Plague
Grytpype-Thynne: Dear, dear surgeon, you have overlooked one terrifying aspect of the dear Count's condition. This man has the Spon Plague.
Seagoon: I've never heard of it.
Grytpype-Thynne: That's because the Count is the first man to have caught it.
Seagoon: Are you sure?
Grytpype-Thynne: He has all the symptoms, namely bare knees.
Seagoon: Is it catching?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, stand back, please- Oh! I'm too late, yes, you've already caught it.
Grytpype-Thynne: You have got the bare knees!
Seagoon: No, I haven't!
Grytpype-Thynne: Roll your trousers up. There! Bare knees!
Seagoon: I've got the Spon!
The Mountain Eaters
Uncle Oscar: Now, I propose- urgh! [thud]
Henry: Oh, dear, oh, he's dead, Min.
Minnie: What, again?
Henry: Gentlemen, the chairman has just died.
Henry: We will send a fresh husband to the widow as soon as the weather permits.
Henry: Now, as he was saying... Min. Min, hold this chicken. Be caul, she's- What?
Minnie: I don't know why you have to carry a chicken around, Henry.
Henry: Well it's the fog, Min. I always carry one when there's a fog.
Minnie: What- what for?
Henry: Because chickens can't see where they're going in a fog. Unless it's a fog chicken, and there's no such thing as a fog chicken.
Minnie: What are you talking about? There was no fog today!
Henry: Well, this isn't a fog chicken!
Henry: It's not a fog chicken!
Bluebottle: 'Ere, why ain't you got no clothes on?
Eccles: I've just been making a phone call.
Bluebottle: You don't have to undress for that!
Eccles: Ha, ha! We learn something new every day!
The Lost Emperor
Grytpype-Thynne: What is this place?
Seagoon: The Victoria and Albert.
Grytpype-Thynne: Oh, really? And which one are you?
Seagoon: I'm neither.
Grytpype-Thynne: I'm pleased to meet you.
Bloodnok: This pound note. What colour was it?
Bloodnok: It's mine! Mine was green!
Seagoon: I daren't attack now, they're too many. I'll wait till they're both gone, and then I'll spring!
Drums Along the Mersey
Announcer: Erm... yes. Well now, here is an announcement for listeners still wondering why this programme was called 'Drums Along the Mersey'. While the programme was being broadcast, there were in fact several drums beating along the Mersey. Those with their windows open may have heard them.
The Mummified Priest
Seagoon: Could... could I do the job?
Sellers: Do it? It's right up your street.
Seagoon: Well, that'll save bus fares.
Eccles: Look up there! There's buzzards circling- there's buzzards circling around!
Seagoon: What are they doing up there?
Seagoon: Bloodnok- Bloodnok, do you think they're waiting- waiting to eat us?
Bloodnok: Not sure, but keep your eyes on the ones carrying knives and forks.
Seagoon: Look! We're saved! Look! A house!
Eccles: It is! A house! A house!
Bloodnok: It's not, it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense, it's a house surrounded by trees. Let's go in.
[sound of door opening]
Bloodnok: I still say it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense! Bluebottle, Eccles, search the house for food.
Bluebottle: All right, then.
Seagoon: So, Bloodnok. You think this house is a mirage, eh? We'll soon see! Wait! It's vanished! Gone! You were right. A mirage.
Bloodnok: I told you it was.
Eccles: OWWWWWW- [thud] OW!
Bloodnok: Eccles! What happened?
Eccles: I was upstairs!
The Moriarty Murder Mystery
Seagoon: What? A fake bullet-hole? What does this mean?
Grytpype-Thynne: He was murdered by a fake bullet.
King Solomon's Mines
Seagoon: The ambulance is outside.
Eccles: Ambulance? I'm not sick!
Seagoon: You will be, it's going to run over you.
The £1,000,000 Penny
Seagoon: Mr. Crun! 2 o'clock! Time for your revenge!
Henry: You're right, we must save my Modern Min from Ancient Bloodnok.
Seagoon: Yes. Here, put this bomb in his coffee.
Henry: Won't it keep him awake?
The Vanishing Room
Henry: Is this an official visit?
Seagoon: I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on.
Henry: Oh, dear, that'll mean re-potting the geranium.
Minnie: And the baby, too.
Seagoon: Is this the place where there's been a murder?
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes. Which murder are you enquiring about?
Seagoon: Which murder? How many have there been?
Seagoon: That's the one.
Bluebottle: Corpse? Did you say that was a corpse, my Captain? AHOO! Turn white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint but manages to hold onto drainpipe.
The Childe Harolde Rewarde
Seagoon: Listen, Auntie Min and Uncle Hen. I know you love children, but isn't it time I was weaned?
Henry: Listen, Min, he's trying to talk!
Queen Anne's Rain
Henry: You get on baiting those elephant traps.
Minnie: I don't see the point of them, you know.
Minnie: We've never caught one.
Henry: That doesn't mean we must stop trying, Min of mine. Think of the dangers! Supposing you came down one morning for a cream-strainer, and found an elephant in the larder, eh?
Minnie: Well, I've never seen an elephant in the larder.
Henry: That is because they're hiding, Min of mine.
Minnie: Where do elephants hide? Tell me that! Where do elephants hide, buddy?
Henry: Well, I don't know, Saxophone-Min, but it's clear to me that they must hide somewhere. How else could they get away with it for so long?
Henry: Let me take your hat and coat.
Seagoon: Thank you.
Henry: Min - throw these on the fire.
The Battle of Spion Kop
Henry: Stop! Stop, stop! This spoon is out of tune, Min. Have you been eating with it again?
Henry: Then what's that you're stirring the soup with?
Minnie: A violin.
Bloodnok: I claim the South Pole in the name of Gladys Ploog of 13 The Sebastibal Villas, Sutton.
Seagoon: Who is she, sir?
Bloodnok: I don't know, but obviously we're doing her a big favour.
The Gold Plate Robbery
Seagoon: Splendid, ring again tomorrow and we'll have another game
Ye Bandit of Sherwood Forest
Moriarty: Blat! Thud! Blat! Blam!
Bloodnok: Club! Whack! Robin, we can't keep this up much longer. Will they never arrive?
Bloodnok: Those blasted sound effects men.
The Mighty Wurlitzer
Announcer: For years we heard nothing from Neddie. And then, one day...
Sellers: We heard nothing from him again.
Announcer: We put a light in the window. Nothing much happened, except the house burnt down.
Operation Christmas Duff
Seagoon: Keep your chin up, Major!
Seagoon: It's in the soup.
A Christmas Carol
Henry: Who is it?
Seagoon: Short man, can't reach the knocker.
Seagoon: What's the date today?
Eccles: 24th of December! Christmas Eve!
Seagoon: So they've both fallen on the same day! Must be slippery.
Henry: Yes, well, I don't think we can wait any longer for any more laughs on that one. Now, back to work or I'll belt your nut in!
Seagoon: But Mr. Scrooge, it's Christmas Eve, a time of good will and custard!
Henry: So it is. Merry Christmas, Scratchit.
Seagoon: Merry Christmas!
Henry: Now, get back to your desk or I'll belt your nut in!
Seagoon: Please, Mr. Scrooge, can't I go home two seconds early tonight?
Henry: Two seconds? You must be mad!
Announcer: It was three in the morning and two in the afternoon, making a grand total of five in the evening.
Minnie: Come on boy, beg for your supper. Up, up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, there's a clever boy.
Henry: I'm fed up having my breakfast like this.
The Curse of Frankenstein
Moriarty: OWWW. OWWW.
Grytpype-Thynne: That's your pair of OWWWs complete for the day.
Who Is Pink Oboe?
Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.
The 50 Pound Cure
Minnie: Boil, cauldron, boil. Oh! Eye of newt, leg of toad, eagle's knee, shell of snail. Eeheeheeheehee.
Henry: Mistress Bannister. What is that hellish fiend brew?
Minnie: It's your laundry, Henry.
The Reason Why
Servant: Pardon me, would you like your coffee on the balcony?
Grytpype-Thynne: Haven't you any cups?
The Treasure in the Tower
Bluebottle: Eccles, save me!
Eccles: Where are you?
Bluebottle: In the water in 1957!
Eccles: Oh, I can't help you then.
Bluebottle: Why not?
Eccles: I'm in 1600.
Bluebottle: You can't be in there in that 1600 there! I can see you quite clearly.
Eccles: Ah, but in 1957 you got all them good National Health spectacles.
Bluebottle: Well, you can borrow mine, and be the man sees no-one touches them, and then you can pull me up!
Eccles: I don't know what he means... but I can't do that. I'm not really... I'm really, I'm really not here.
Bluebottle: What do you mean by that, my good man?
Eccles: I'll tell you, my good man. If... this is 1957. You said this is 1957? Say yes.
Eccles: Well if this is 1957, I'm dead.
Bluebottle: Then why are you standing up?
Eccles: Um. Well, I'm not in- oh, ah! I'll tell you why I'm standing up. 'Cos I'm in 1600 and you're not born yet.
Bluebottle: Well, wait till I tell my Mum that. My Dad won't half cop it.
The Plasticine Man
Minnie: Henry, the dog wants to come in.
Henry: That naughty dog, always forgetting his keys. All right, come in, Psycho.
Henry: Yes, he's our pet mad dog, you know. Come in, you naughty Psycho.
Announcer: Woof, woof.
Henry: Where have you been, you mad dog?
Announcer: Out in the mid-day sun.
Seagoon: AHHH! He talks!
Henry: I told you he was mad.
Seagoon: But dogs can't talk!
Henry: I know, I've told him. He never listens. May as well talk to a brick wall, you know.
The Silent Bugler
William: Wait a minute, 'ere! You can't fool me about with all that clever talk, mate. You gotta pay for the ticket. Nah, where did you get on?
Seagoon: Curse, the game's up. Well now, er... what was that last station?
William: Fun Junction.
Seagoon: That's it! That's where I got on!
William: But we didn't stop there!
Seagoon: Do you think it was easy?
William: Look, where are you going to?
Seagoon: The next station.
William: Right, that'll be 18 shillings and thrupence.
Seagoon: Right, there we are.
William: Thank you.
Seagoon: Fool. Ha, ha. Little does he know that the real fare is not 18 and thrupence but 32 pounds, six shillings.
William: Little does he know that I'm nothing to do with the railway at all.
Bluebottle: Unscrews false kneecap, takes out secret gun. Am in agony, as I have not got false kneecaps. Puts on bold face. AHEE! It still hurts, though.
Seagoon: Rather than surrender we gave ourselves up.
Cecile Chevreau: I only had eyes for him and he only had eyes for me.
Bloodnok: That explains why we fell over a cliff.
The Giant Bombardon
Seagoon: And furthermore, there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Lieutenant Seagoon! You say there is discontent among the troops?
Seagoon: Yes, there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Why do you say there is discontent among the troops?
Seagoon: Because there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: I see. You say there is discontent among the troops because there is discontent among the troops.
Seagoon: Yes. I say there is discontent among the troops because there is discontent among the troops.
Sellers: Yes, well, it all sounds reasonable to me.
Henry: I'm washing the dinner plates, Min.
Minnie: But we haven't had dinner yet, Henry.
Henry: Ah, but I'm washing them now so that we won't have to wash them after.
Minnie: Oh! Was that you, Henry?
Henry: No, that was the elephant, Min.
Minnie: What's the elephant doing in the kitchen?
Henry: Helping, Min.
Minnie: Is he drying up?
Henry: No, he feels quite moist, Min. He's cooking the din, Min.
Minnie: I told you not to let him cook the dinner. You know that's the gorilla's job. Shoo, naughty elephant, shoo!
Minnie: Come on, put your feet up.
Henry: You shouldn't have done that from the standing position.
The Tay Bridge
Grytpype-Thynne: Step on it!
Seagoon: So saying, he threw down a dog-end.
Seagoon: The door was opened by a heavily strained wreck, wearing the string remains of an ankle-loaf vest, a second-hand trilby and both feet in one sock.
Shangri La Again!
Bloodnok: Ooh, I've been through hell to get here.
Seagoon: There must be a cooler route?
Bloodnok: Yes, I was surrounded by a Jap patrol. But I soon had them crawling for me on their hands and knees.
Seagoon: How's that?
Bloodnok: I hid in a drainpipe. Shhh! There's someone outside the window. Look out!
Seagoon: What is it?
Bloodnok: It's a gramophone record!
Seagoon: Quick! Put it on!
[record of window smashing]
Seagoon: (What is it?)
Bloodnok: (It's a gramophone record!)
Seagoon: (Quick! Put it on!)
[record of record of window smashing]
Seagoon: ((What is it?))
Bloodnok: ((It's a gramophone record!))
Seagoon: ((Quick! Put it on!))
[record of record of record of window smashing]
Seagoon: (((What is it?)))
Bloodnok: (((It's a gramophone record!)))
Seagoon: (((Quick! Put it on!)))
[record of record of record of record of window smashing]
Seagoon: ((((What is it?))))
Bloodnok: ((((It's a gramophone record!))))
Seagoon: ((((Quick! Put it on!))))
Bloodnok: ((((Right!)))) Stretch me scallybonkers and flatten me Doreen Lundies! It's a Japanese mirror trick! We shall have to get out of here.
Seagoon: Yes, yes, yes. Now, what about the plane?
Bloodnok: The plane, the plane... Ooh! Ooh, heavens!
Seagoon: What's up?
Bloodnok: Ooh, heavens. Look, if I tell, promise you won't blow up.
Seagoon: I promise.
Bloodnok: I forgot to order it!
Bloodnok: You promised!
The Pevensey Bay Disaster
Moriarty: My nerves are strained to breaking point.
Moriarty: There goes one now!
The Spectre of Tintagel
William: 'Ello, 'ello, ello! Who's this kipping on the floor? What's this label round his neck say? 'I am the new tenant here.' Oh, are you mate! What's this second label say? 'Yes, I am!' Well, I'll just tie this label saying 'Wake up, mate' round his neck...
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
Bloodnok: I bet you five pounds you'll live forever, starting now!
Bloodnok: You've done it! You've lived forever!
The Fear of Wages
Seagoon: From the waist downwards, Bloodnok was tattooed with a pair of false legs... facing the wrong way.
The Nadger Plague
Grytpype-Thynne: Yes, that was a brilliant idea of mine that you thought of.
Announcer: We included that recording of a cockerel for people who like that sort of thing.
The Great British Revolution
Home Secretary: Are those rifles loaded?
William: No, but we're not telling you that, mate.
Minnie: This bed's all right, Henry. It's still got four legs.
Henry: Yes, but two of them are mine.
The Sahara Desert Statue
Grytpype-Thynne: Now then, Ned - off with your clothes, Neddie.
Seagoon: There - how do I look?
Grytpype-Thynne: I suppose he makes somebody happy. Hold this rice pudding.
Seagoon: What's your name?
Eccles: Ah, the hard ones first, eh?
The Junk Affair
Bluebottle: Have you ever been on holiday in Corsica before?
Eccles: No, but I once made a dog kennel out of elastic.
Bluebottle: Oh. There's something to be said for these premium bonds, then.
Bluebottle: I think the government is very clever, you know. I won 25 pounds in a premium bond draw.
Eccles: What... what's clever about that?
Bluebottle: I never bought any premium bonds!
Eccles: Oh! And I made a hole in the front.
Bluebottle: What for?
Eccles: For the dog to get in and out.
Bluebottle: Oh! That's nice for the doggie... that's nice and fine for the doggie. I say, Eccles. Why are you not wearing any trousers?
Eccles: Well, it's lunchtime.
Bluebottle: Oh! What did you have for lunch?
Eccles: My trousers.
Grytpype-Thynne: Moriarty - go and slam the door in his face.
Moriarty: He hasn't got a door in his face.
Grytpype-Thynne: Then he's trapped, and he can't get out!
The House of Teeth
William: Listen, mate!
William: There it is again, mate!
William: And again, mate. Unless I'm mistaken it's gonna go-
William: -again, mate!
Seagoon: I wonder what it is, mate.
William: It's a bell ringing, mate.
Seagoon: There you go, jumping to conclusions!
Bloodnok: I'm lost, dear fellow, lost, completely lost. Me and the regiment were marching along, you know, and suddenly, quite by accident, me and the regimental funds took the wrong turning.
The Kippered Herring Gang
Bloodnok: Do you know what happened to me this morning?
Seagoon: Yes, I don't know.
Bloodnok: A scruffy little urchin threw a kippered herring at me. He threw it at me!
Seagoon: Did you close with him?
Bloodnok: Of course not. He was only a kid. I mean, he doesn't know any better. Wasn't meaning any harm. Well, I mean, I'd have done it myself when I was young. He was only having fun.
Seagoon: Yes, but what did you do?
Bloodnok: I threw him under a steamroller!
Seagoon: Ah, you sentimental fool.
Bloodnok: Yes! I say, you wouldn't care for a rather unique bookmark, would you?
Bluebottle: I shall not speak! No words shall pass my lips! Beat me, torture me, burn me with red-hot irons! I will not speak... until it hurts.
The Mustard and Cress Shortage
Seagoon: Mr. Crun, British Railways want you to grow them six thousand acres of mustard and cress - in the Amazon.
Henry: Very well, I'll get my hat. Min!
Minnie: What did you say?
Henry: I'm just going to the Amazon.
Minnie: Be caul.
Henry: I'll be away for six years, Min.
Minnie: I'll put your dinner in the oven, Henry.
Seagoon: This is it - build a full-scale cardboard replica of England, anchor it off the coast of Germany, then, when the Germans have invaded it, we tow it out to sea... and pull the plug out.
Seagoon: Now, which one of you two is Mr. Crun?
Minnie: I'm Miss Bannister.
Seagoon: Never mind who you are. Which one is Henry Crun?
Minnie: Don't tell him, Henry!
Henry: No! I'm not going to tell him, Min. In any case... in any case, why do you want to know my name?
Seagoon: Mr. Crun! You make cardboard models and scenery.
Henry: If I was Mr. Crun... which I'm not admitting... yes, I do.
The Siege of Fort Night
Seagoon: How are we to get the waterproof gas stove to the garrison? Drop it by helicopter?
Bloodnok: Impossible, sir, impossible. The fort is invisible from the air, and worse still...
Seagoon: Yes, yes?
Bloodnok: The air is invisible from the fort. Oh!
Seagoon: By road, then.
Bloodnok: No road.
Seagoon: Up the river.
Seagoon: Down the river.
Seagoon: Across the river, into the trees.
Bloodnok: No, no.
Seagoon: Why not?
Bloodnok: No trees.
Seagoon: Then across the trees and into the river!
Bloodnok: No river.
Seagoon: By train?
Bloodnok: Doesn't run.
Seagoon: Why not?
Bloodnok: No railway.
Seagoon: Could we build one?
Bloodnok: No, the river would wash it away.
Seagoon: You said there was no river!
Bloodnok: Ah, it's behind the trees.
Seagoon: But a moment ago you said there weren't any trees either!
Bloodnok: Ah, but they've grown since then, you know. They just can't stand still for you, you know.
Henry: Now, close the oven door from the outside and bring it in after you.
Eccles: Just a minute! Close it from the outside and bring it in after me? That would mean climbing through it when it's shut and not opening it until I get through...
Seagoon: Eccles, what are you waiting for?
Eccles: I dunno how to do it!
What's My Line?
Grytpype-Thynne: You shouldn't sit so far away, lad.
Seagoon: I don't mind, except when it rains.
Seagoon: I'm outside.
Grytpype-Thynne: Don't you find it difficult to follow what the teacher's saying?
Seagoon: Oh, no - I can't hear him.
The Last Goon Show of All
Henry: Min... Min's falling to bits. She's a loose woman, you know.
Bloodnok: Now, this uniform goes back to Moss Brothers tomorrow.
Thing: Yes, sir, there's the deposit on it.
Bloodnok: Oh, that'll brush off, don't worry.
Eccles: I haven't touched a drop!
Bluebottle: It's me, Blumebottuns.
Eccles: Oh! My friend!
Bluebottle: Yes, I'm your friend! You remember me?
Eccles: I remember you!
Bluebottle: Yes, why do you not open the door?
Eccles: Okay, I'll- How do you open a door?
Bluebottle: You turn the knob on your side.
Eccles: I haven't got a knob on my side!
Bluebottle: On the door!
Eccles: Oh! I'll soon get the hang of that.
Bluebottle: Hello, Little Jim.
Little Jim: [incomprehensible jabbering]
Bluebottle: Eccles... I do not understand what he is saying.
Eccles: Say that again, Little Jim.
Little Jim: Okay. [incomprehensible jabbering]
Eccles: He says he doesn't understand what he's saying either.