Goon Show Script

The Great Regent's Park Swim

Series 8, Episode 4

First broadcast 21st October 1957. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens, produced by Charles Chilton. Transcribed by John Mathews.


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Greenslade:
This is the BBC. The all-leather Goon Show presents "The Great Regent's Park
Swim". Orchestra:
(chords)

F.X.:
(car horns, low flying aeroplanes)

Greenslade:
England, eighteen thirty. On the throne sat George the Fourth, on a chair sat Tom
Smith. And lying in a gutter outside, Neddie Seagoon.

Seagoon:
What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what... Where's my leather speaking
trumpet? Hello, folks! Hello, folks! Calling folks! I'm not lying in the gutter, I'm standing in it. It just looks as though I am lying.

Greenslade:
Yes, you look like a liar.

Seagoon:
What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what... Just for that, I shall do an
impression of a car approaching.

F.X.:
(sound of car approaching and screeching to a halt)

Seagoon:
Even as I spoke, a door drew up.

FX:
Car door opens

Chinese voice:
Ahhh .. Are you Neddie Sleagoon?

Seagoon:
Yes, I'm Leddie Sleagoon.

Chinese voice:
Aha, will you please accept invitation from some great German scientist?

Seagoon:
I'll come along.. just to find out what you're saying!

Chinese voice:
Aha, please, Neddie, please jump into this river, and I will drive you there.

F.X.:
(splash, and car drives off)

Greenslade:
Scene two - a piece of string on the floor of the Eidelburger laboratory.

F.X.:
(bubbling sounds, clinking of test-tubes etc - continues under:
)

Two voices:
Ha ha ha ho ho ha ha ... (prolonged):


Eidelburger:
Yakamoto, in this test tube, I have succeeded in creating life from inanimate
matter.

Yakamoto:
Oh boy!

Eidelburger:
I will just add a dash of thin people's herbs, two spoonfuls of instant licorice, and a soupcon of Alistair's horse oils.

F.X.:
(phsssh)

Eidelburger:
That's given it something to think about! Now, pour out the gooey paste into the
blue serge cruet.

F.X.:
(sounds of thick lumpy liquid being poured)

Yakamoto:
Ha.

Eidelburger:
Ha, put this stethoscope on it and listen.

Eccles:
(sings) With a smile on my face, for the whole human race, it's almost like being
insane. I love a ...

Eidelburger:
Curse it! We have invented Eccles!

Yakamoto:
Aaagh!

Eccles:
Oooh, ta.

Eidelburger:
Run for it!

Yakamoto:
Ah so

FX:
Running feet

F.X.:
(sound of door opening)

Crun:
Oh yum ta.

Eccles:
Oh, thank you. Oh, hello ... hello, Mister Crun.

Crun:
Hello, modern Eccles. You're looking well, modern Eccles.

Eccles:
Ya, I've just been invented, ya.

Crun:
Oh.

Eccles:
(typical Eccles rubbish)

Crun:
Agh, steady, Eccles; steady, modern Eccles.

Eccles:
What?

Crun:
Modern Eccles.

Eccles:
I don't care if I do die. I don't care if I do .. (more rubbish).

Crun:
Stop doing that, Eccles. Now just step inside this tiger.

Eccles:
Okay.

F.X.:
(tiger growl)

Eccles:
(gulps) echo effect:
Oh, it's dark in this tiger. Wonder where the light switch is?

Crun:
Modern Eccles, poor ignorant fellow that he is, doesn't know that this is only
eighteen thirty, and the elecetric [sic] lighting inside tigers has not been invented yet.

Eccles:
echo effect:
Oh, hahahoho, anyone else in the tiger?

Seagoon:
echo effect:
Yes, pardon me, my good man.

Eccles:
echo effect:
Yeah?

Seagoon:
echo effect:
Could you tell me the way out of this tiger?

Eccles:
echo effect:
Take the lift to the third floor, past the BBC censor's office.

Seagoon:
echo effect:
Thank you.

F.X.:
(door opening)

Crun:
Aaagh, it's Seagoon out of tiger, by jove. Welcome to the Eidelburger
Foundation laboratory We want you to take part in a vital useless Government-type experiment.

Seagoon:
I'll do anything for my useless country.

Crun:
Right. Spike Milligan?

Milligan:
Yes, Dennis (???)..

Crun:
Have you finished playing the part of Yakamoto?

Milligan:
Yes, boy.

Crun:
Then take the part of modern Min.

Min:
Okay, buddy.

Crun:
Ah, modern Min.

Min:
(laughs)

Crun:
Give Mister Seagoon the tube of green liquid to swallow.

Min:
Come on, hot Henry (? Neddie).

Seagoon:
(swallows) Aaagh! What was it?

Crun:
Aagh, if only we knew.

Min:
Oh.

Seagoon:
What! It might be poison. I demand to see my landlord!

Crun:
Now, Mister Seacroon [sic], so that we can observe the effect of the green liquid.

Min:
Oh.

Crun:
Kindly stand in this bucket of boiled dungarees.

Min:
Dungarees?

Seagoon:
Anything for England!

Crun:
Min, get ready to take all this down.

Min:
Alright.

Seagoon:
Hold the door.

F.X.:
(bang, bang)

Crun:
Eleven o'clock, both ears exploded.

F.X.:
(sproing, sproing)

Crun:
Eleven-one, braces burst at the knees.

Min:
I won't look.

Seagoon:
You fiend, I can't live with my trousers round my ankles. My legs might fall
down. Oh, the embarrassment of this is beyond.. (tails off)

F.X.:
(sound of something falling into bucket)

Crun:
Eleven-three, choppers fell out.

Seagoon:
I'll never play the Palladium again.

Min:
Never mind. Here's Max Gilthorpe to play it for you.

Seagoon:
Round the back for the old brandy, lads!

F.X.:
(sound of all running off stage)

(Geldray and orchestra)

Greenslade:
That was Mister Max Geldray, well-known carpenter and joiner. By the way,
listeners are not obliged to laugh at that, as it was a personal matter twixt Geldray and the cast. Part three. All day long, Mister Crun experimented to discover what effect his green liquid had had on Neddie.

F.X.:
(gunshot)

Seagoon:
~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~ (dying sounds)

Crun:
Really, it hasn't made him bullet-proof, Min.

Min:
What a pity!

Seagoon:
Where's my speaking trumpet? Hello, folks! Calling folks. Send for the police,
folks. I'll never last the show out like this, folks. Help!

FX:
door opens

Eidelburger:
Ah, here, Crun. We will take over from you.

Yakamoto:
Yes, leave Seagoon to us.

FX:
Scratchy writing, under:


Crun:
Oh, right. I, Henry Crun, leave Seagoon to Yakamoto and Eidel, thank you.

Eidelburger:
Right, grab Seagoon, and into the tank with him.

Seagoon:
Aaagh!

FX:
(splash, paddling noises)

Yakamoto:
Oh, boy! Oh, look! Neddie Seagoon are not a-sinking.

Eidelburger:
So, that's what the green liquid was. Yakamoto, we have invented swimming.

Orch:
(chords)

Seagoon:
Hup, swimming? Snatching up the bottle of green liquid. I set off to achieve my lifelong ambition, namely, running along with a bottle of green liquid.

F.X.:
(sound of feet running, speeding up)

Greenslade:
Ah, Mister Seagoon, If I were you, I'd.. I'd patent that idea.

Seagoon:
You're right. So when the idea catches on, I can charge people royalties every
time they run along with a bottle of green liquid.

F.X.:
(sound of horses' hooves)

Seagoon:
En garde (???). What a bit of luck! Here comes a horse-drawn Patent Office.

Spriggs:
Oh, oh, Jim. Oh, Jim. Hello, sir. Step into the waiting room, Jim.

FX:
door opens and closes

Seagoon:
Gad! There in the corner of a foreign field, surrounded by flies was ...

Orch:
(Bloodnok introduction music)

Bloodnok:
Oh, oh, oh (interspersed with rabble sounds).

FX:
buzzing flies

Bloodnok:
Dear, oh dear, curse these flies! Dear, dear, dear. How can these naturalist magazines publish pictures like these? I shall be glad when my ten-year subscription runs out, I tell you. I must remember to have these copies bound in brown leather, and labelled "A History of the English-speaking people".

Seagoon:
(yawning sound) Pardon me.

Bloodnok:
Gad, a man wearing clothes!

Seagoon:
Yes, I'm the only fully-clothed naturalist in the world.

Bloodnok:
It must be hell in there! What is your name?

Seagoon:
Neddie Seagoon.

Bloodnok:
Neddie Seagoon? I .. I didn't recognize you.

Seagoon:
Why not?

Bloodnok:
I've never seen you before.

Seagoon:
Ah, so that's why. Well, if you must know, I'm Miriam Pott's nephew.

Bloodnok:
Miriam Potts. Oh, oh, oh, the darling of Darjeeling. Oh, how we used to dance
together!

Orch:
(piano chords)

Bloodnok:
(sings) We waltzed the whole night through,
The curry and rice waltz with you.
It's really hot stuff,
It's better than the old duff,
And the English, Irish stew.

It's the ideal waltz for two,
Sailing along in the blue.
I say, let's dance forever,
And don't answer "never",
The curry and rice waltz with you. (applause)

F.X.:
(phone rings)

Bloodnok:
Hello. Thank you

FX:
(hangs up)

Seagoon:
Who was that?

Bloodnok:
A recording company.

Seagoon:
Really?

Bloodnok:
Yes, they wanted to know the time. I'm going to write and tell them, you know.

Seagoon:
But, by the time they get it, it will be too late.

Bloodnok:
I shall give them tomorrow's time.

Seagoon:
I see. Well, what's that long parcel you've got in your long brown bathing suit?

Bloodnok:
Ah, it's something that I have invented ...

Seagoon:
What?

Bloodnok:
Regent's Park Canal.

Seagoon:
What a stroke of luck! With that canal, and this bottle of green liquid, I can swim
across it without using a bridge. Any revenues from it, I'll split in two and keep both.

Bloodnok:
Well, one doesn't get an offer like that every day! Very well, at dawn tonight, you
start training for the Great Regent's Park Swim.

Orch:
(dramatic chords)

Grytpype-Thynne:
Did you hear that, Moriarty?

Moriarty:
Yes, it went "bop, bop, bop, bop, baaar" (as chords had done)

Grytpype-Thynne:
Moriarty, we've got to stop Seagoon swimming.

Moriarty:
Sapristi monikers! Aaagh. What? I couldn't have written that! Sapristi.. sapristi
bollija, da, da. Explain.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Well, I've just invented the word "Help" for people who are drowning.

Moriarty:
Owww.

Grytpype-Thynne:
If Seagoon markets swimming, my word "Help" is worthless.

Moriarty:
I tell you, Neddie will not swim the Regent's Park Canal. Let this sinister music
be a warning to him.

Orch:
(sinister chords)

Seagoon:
Did you hear that, Bloodnok?

Bloodnok:
Yes, it went "Bom, bom, baloa".

Seagoon:
Hello, folks. Calling folks. I'm about to start training for my perilous swim
across Regent's Canal. Hup.

F.X.:
(splash)

Bloodnok:
And, so saying, he dove into a field containing Rage Ellington. Go on Rage play those early naughty Goon Show melodies.

(Ray Ellington and quartet - "Swallow-tail coat"/"I'm a'going courting")

Greenslade:
The Great Regent's Park Swim, part two. In preparation, .. oww!

F.X.:
(splash)

Seagoon:
That got rid of him, folks! Hmm. Now, in preparation for the swim, I swam the
English Channel, the Irish Channel, the Scottish Channel, the Jewish Channel, the Kensington Round Pond and the Kensington Square Pond. Finally, as my "piece-de-resistance", I swam Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. But, one evening, as the good things of day began to droop and drowse, night's black agents to their preys did rouse.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Did you hear that, Moriarty?

Moriarty:
Yes, it was MacBeth.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Ignorant swine, it was Shakespeare!

Moriarty:
Owwww.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Stop owwwing, you fool! You'll have us both out of this tree.

Moriarty:
But they can't turn us out of this tree.. we've paid the rent in advance.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Well, stop waving that crow in my face.

Moriarty:
Stop it, he's our landlord.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Oh.. it wasn't worth him blacking up for the part, was it? Now, try and
locate Neddie. Ah, Moriarty, hand me my telescope.

Moriarty:
There.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Thank you. Now the salt.

F.X.:
(crunching sound)

Grytpype-Thynne:
(swallows) Ah, now I can see him. Dashed strange. He's going into the
zoo, through the tiger's entrance. Moriarty, put on this, er .. put on this tiger skin.

Moriarty:
Right.

Orch:
(chords)

Willium:
Now, Mister Seacroon [sic], you want a vacant cage with a tiger bowl?

Seagoon:
That is correct, mister zoo-keeper. And, If anyone wants me, I'll be wearing this tiger disguise. You see, I don't want to take any chances before my big swim.

Willium:
Er, well, we ain't got an empty cage but you can share this one with our Bengal
tiger. He won't hurt you so long as you keeps your mouth shut.

Seagoon:
Fair enough. Call me at six.

Willium:
Right.

F.X.:
(door shuts)

Seagoon:
(slightly muffled) Hello, folks. Hello, folks. I'm speaking to you now from inside the tiger skin. From now on, I shall only speak in think bubbles so that the Bengal tiger will not attack me.

Eccles:
(slightly muffled) Hullo? Hullo? Dat you, Neddie?

Seagoon:
(slightly muffled) Thinks.. yes, it's me, Eccles.

Eccles:
(slightly muffled) Then, why don't you answer me?

Seagoon:
(slightly muffled) Thinks.. because I only talk in thinks bubbles.

Eccles:
(slightly muffled) Oh, well, how can I see thinks bubbles when I'm inside this Bengal tiger?

Seagoon:
(slightly muffled) Thinks .. Well, open the window.

F.X.:
(sound of window opening)

Eccles:
Ah, now I can see them.

Seagoon:
Thinks.. thanks. Well, now you've opened the window, why don't you get out?

Eccles:
What? The moment I climb out of this tiger, he'll attack me. I know when I'm well off!

Seagoon:
When?

Eccles:
When I've got money.

orch:
end-of-gag chords and cymbal snap

Seagoon:
Stop!

Eccles:
Nothing, again.. I'm not coming next week.

Greenslade:
Meanwhile, at the entrance we find a man leading a rather mangy moth-eaten
tiger.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Keep up the growling, Moriarty.

Moriarty:
(growls)

Gatekeeper (Neddie with Yorkshire accent):
I'm sorry, lads, we're closed.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Look here, my good man. It is imperative that I house my tiger here tonight. You see, It's his evening off and I want him to spend it among friends.

Gatekeeper:
Well, we'll squeeze him into this tiger's cage here.

Grytpype-Thynne:
In you go, Moriarty.

Moriarty:
Right.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Keep growing.

F.X.:
(metal door closes, clank of lock)

Moriarty:
Owww. Now to destroy Seagoon in that silly tiger skin.

FX:
Tiger growing

Moriarty:
Ah, it's no good you growling like that at me. I know you're a phony, Seagoon. Aagh.

F.X.:
(growling sounds)

Moriarty:
Oh, ho ho ho, I've got you in my power, I tell you. Ah, you can do a very good
imitation of a tiger growling but I know the truth. There's only me and you in this tiger cage. An imitation tiger, I tell you. Aha. I tell you, I'm , I'm, I .....

Greenslade:
Ladies and gentlemen, listners are warned that the sound of this scene is un-suitable for children.

Moriarty:
What! Aaagh! Why, why, why?

Greenslade:
Because that animal you are attacking is not Neddie, but a genuine Bengal tiger.

Moriarty:
Aaagh! (etc)

Grytpype-Thynne:
Steady, Moriarty.

Moriarty:
(more sounds of agony)

Grytpype-Thynne:
Steady, Moriarty. You know that I charge one thousand pounds for using
my invention, namely, the word "Help".

Moriarty:
(sounds of agony, interspersed with growls)

Seagoon:
What a bit of luck, folks. Whilst the Begal tiger was fighting Moriarty, I nipped
out of the cage and made my way to the banks of the Regent's Canal, where I am now standing.

Bloodnok:
Ah, Neddie, what a heroic sight you are in your wicker-work bathing costume and
leather life belt. Now, Neddie, are you ready to dive in?

Spriggs:
Just a moment, Jim, just a minute. ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~, ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ (undecypherable singing)

Seagoon:
It's singing Jim Spriggs, yoddeling piano player by appointment to the Coal Board.

Spriggs:
Silence, Jim! You can't swim.. You can't swim in .. you can't swim in that canal
today!

Seagoon:
(sings) What, what?

Bloodnok:
Let me say that,will you?. (sings) What?

Spriggs:
Yes, you cannot swim today because I've invented this sign saying "No
swimming on Mondays".

Seagoon:
Curses, foiled by Monday!

Bluebottle:
No, no, I shall save you, Captain! (applause) Enter Bluebottle, with washboard
and Mum's new skiffle-type drawers.

Seagoon:
Blim, blam, blom! It's the well-known Finchley lad, heavily protected against the
wind with newspaper stuffed in the cracks of his spectacles.

Bluebottle:
Yes, I have come to save you from Monday. Neddie, my Captain, my lovely little
Captain. Raises in ecstacy onto tips of toes, bringing little knots into play on back of legs. Knots, knots, knots! In this position, I will now skiffule [sic]. Sings.. you're nothing but a hound dog, woof, woof, you're nothing but a hound dog, woof, woof, you're nothing but a ..

F.X.:
(whoosh, splat)

Bluebottle:
Aaagh! Who threw that mangle in my ear hole?

Seagoon:
It was me. It belonged to my mother. Now, explain how can you save me from
swimming on Monday?

Bluebottle:
Monday has gone.

Seagoon:
Why? How?

Bluebottle:
I've just invented Tuesday.

Spriggs:
What?! Let me see that, Jim.

Bluebottle:
There it is.

Spriggs:
Wait a minute, Jim. This is a square. Tuesday is oblong.

Bluebottle:
I haven't finished it yet.

FX:
(grinding sound)

Bluebottle:
There you are, a perfectly safe Tuesday.

Seagoon:
Hoorah, saved by a little lad of tender-years and tough boots.

Bloodnok:
Right, Neddie, now drink your green liquid and swim.

Grytpype-Thynne:
Hands up, all of you! Bloodnok, drop that Regent's Park Canal

FX:
(iron bar drops)

Grytpype:
... and I warn you, nobody shout "Help". That is a word I've just invented and will cost anybody five hundred pounds to use. Now, give me that green liquid. Right, Neddie, into the canal.

Seagoon:
But I can't swim without that green liquid. Aarrggh

FX:
(splash)

Seagoon:
You swine, you pushed me in! Help!

Grytpype-Thynne:
Out you come, Ned. To using the word "Help", five hundred pounds

FX:
(cash register)

Grytpype:
Thank you.

Seagoon:
Wait, wait, but I ...

FX:
(splash)

Seagoon:
Help!

Grytpype-Thynne:
Out you come, Neddie. To using the word "Help", another five hundred
Pounds.

F.X.:
(cash register)

Grytpype-Thynne:
I thank you.

Seagoon:
But look here, I ...

FX:
(splash) floundering

Seagoon:
You swine, you pushed me in. Help!

Grytpype-Thynne:
Out you come, Neddie. To using the word "Help", another five hundred pounds

FX:
(cash register)

Grytpype:
Thank you.

Seagoon:
Wait. (splash) Help!

(repeated several times, getting faster)

Seagoon:
Hello, folks. Thank heavens that is only a recording, otherwise I might have Drowned I, irk..

FX:
(splash).

Grytpype-Thynne:
Now, good heavens, what has happened to him?

Little Jim:
He's fallen in the wa-ter!

(applause)

Grytpype-Thynne:
Well said, Little Jim! Saved by a catch phrase!

Little Jim:
Ta.

Orch:
(marching music)

Announcer:
That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded program featuring Peter Sellers, Harry
Secombe, and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington quartet, Max Geldray and the orchestra conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The program produced by Charles Chilton.

Orchestra:
(music playout).