Goon Show Script

Queen Anne’s Rain

Series 9, Episode 8

First broadcast on December 22, 1958. Script by Spike Milligan. Produced by John Browell.


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GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Light Programme … The blame should be spread equally!

SECOMBE:
He’s right, folks. There are so many in the BBC, the blame can be spread so evenly, it doesn’t notice.

GREENSLADE:
Mr Strecham! How dare you reveal BBC cover-up methods!

SECOMBE:
It’s my duty to protect the public, folks, and for this, I hope to get an OBE.

GREENSLADE:
And what do you think you are going to do with it?

SECOMBE:
I’d sing it.

GREENSLADE:
How does it go?

SECOMBE:
(sings to the tune of Danny Boy?) Oh OBE, I love your daughter.

GREENSLADE:
So that’s the OBE. Oh, I see. I thought it went (sings to the tune of Danny Boy) Oh OBE, the pipes, the pipes are frozen.

SECOMBE:
That’s the Order of the Garter you silly…twilger

GREENSLADE:
Oh.

SECOMBE:
And it’s still in the top ten birthday honours you know.

GREENSLADE:
Is it?

SECOMBE:
Yes, it was fourth last week; listen.

FX:
CASH REGISTER

SECOMBE:
It sounds like Peter Sellers. Forward him, with his hi-fi lawn mower.

SELLERS:
(Actor) It records as it cuts, and that is for me. Come. Now, my applause, please.

GRAMS:
RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE OVER

SELLERS:
(Actor) Oh yes, yes, yes.

GRAMS:
APPLAUSE STOPS SUDDENLY

SELLERS:
(Actor) I’m getting known. It’s quite obvious, yes. Minstrel, sing that for me.

SPRIGGS:
(sings, with guitar accompaniment) I’m getting knoooown.

SECOMBE:
How much did he pay you for that?

SPRIGGS:
A free feel of his Rolls Royce, Jim.

SECOMBE:
Oh well done, well done, well done.

SPRIGGS:
(sings) and a fine master is heeeeee.

FX:
GUNSHOT

SPRIGGS:
Oh, master…

SELLERS:
(Actor) He had to go. I shot him for nothing, you know.

GREENSLADE:
Oh you are a kind man. I think it’s time we had a go at the Grune Show. The scene is a certain place, at a certain time, in a certain year.

MILLIGAN:
We’re not giving anything away tonight, folks. Can we have an attack of the thunders, please?

GRAMS:
LOUD CRASH OF THUNDER, WIND HOWLING, RAIN POURING UNDER

CRUN:
Oh yes, that’s got it in position. ... Argggh.

FX:
STRANGE SOUND ENDING IN DUCK CALL (SPROING FOLLOWED BY OYSTER OPENING SOUND)

CRUN:
Eureka! I’ve invented the whoopie cushion!

BANNISTER:
(off mic) What’s that noise over there?

CRUN:
What, what?

BANNISTER:
(off mic) What’s that over there?

CRUN:
What?

BANNISTER:
What?

CRUN:
What are you doing at the window, Min of mine?

FX:
HEAVY BOOTS WALKING

BANNISTER:
(on mic) I’m counting the rain, Cocky.

FX:
SOUND OF RAIN QUIETENS

CRUN:
Come away at once, Min. Supposing people saw you counting rain on a Sunday. What would they say?

BANNISTER:
They’d say “owww”

CRUN:
You see? I told you so. Now look at the year, 1880.

BANNISTER:
1880? Oh, and I haven’t got the dinner on yet.

CRUN:
Never mind the 1880 dinner, Min of mine, you get on baiting those elephant traps.

BANNISTER:
I don’t see the point of them you know.

CRUN:
What?

BANNISTER:
We’ve never caught one.

CRUN:
That doesn’t mean we must stop trying, Min of mine.

BANNISTER:
Fishtoo.

CRUN:
Think of the dangers. Supposing you came down one morning for a greens-strainer and found an elephant in the larder, eh?

BANNISTER:
Well, I’ve never seen an elephant in the larder.

CRUN:
That is because they’re hiding, Min of mine!

BANNISTER:
Where do elephants hide? Tell me that!

CRUN:
What?

BANNISTER:
Where do elephants hide, Buddy?

CRUN:
Well, I don’t know, saxophone Min. But it’s clear to me that they must hide somewhere, how else could they get away with it for so long?

FX:
KNOCK ON DOOR

BANNISTER AND CRUN:
Oooooh.

BANNISTER:
Who’s that? All be murdered in our beds! It might be a man of evil powers!

CRUN:
What? Min, hand me my tin hat

FX:
METALLIC NOISE

CRUN:
... now my sword

FX:
SWORD RATTLING

CRUN:
... now the blunderbuss.

BANNISTER:
Brave man, Henry.

CRUN:
Now Min…

BANNISTER:
Yes?

CRUN:
Go and see who it is.

BANNISTER:
There’s somebody who believes in ~~~ Come! Come in!

FX:
DOOR OPENS

SEAGOON:
Good Evening, I……

FX:
LOUD EXPLOSION

SEAGOON:
ARRRRGGHHHH

CRUN:
Right in the credentials. Now sir ...

BANNISTER:
He’s the man from the Prudential, Henry.

CRUN:
Now sir, what do you want?

SEAGOON:
I want a doctor, mate.

CRUN:
There is no doctor mate living here sir!

SEAGOON:
But you must let me in. I’ve had an accident, and it’s starting to show.

FX:
DOOR CLOSES

SEAGOON:
Thank you. I’m the local squire.

CRUN:
Ohh, come in. Let me take you hat and coat.

FX:
BROWN PAPER RUSTLING

SEAGOON:
Thank you.

CRUN:
Min, throw these on the fire.

BANNISTER:
Yes Henry, yes.

SEAGOON:
I was on my way to London town, when my horse took ill with a puncture. Have you a telephone?

BANNISTER:
No. But we have a window with a pane of glass missing.

SEAGOON:
Well, I’ll try that. Hello? Hello?

FX:
TAPPING ON WINDOW

SEAGOON:
Hello, hello? This window’s gone dead.

CRUN:
Yes, the GPO took it out after a final demand, you know.

SEAGOON:
How painful. Well, it seems as though I’ll have to stay the night here. Have you a bed?

CRUN:
Not on me sir, we keep them all upstairs you know.

SEAGOON:
Superstitious, eh? Well, have you a spare room?

CRUN:
Yes sir, it’s in the spare room.

SEAGOON:
Oh, good. Then I’ll put my spare body in it, I only wear this one for work, you know.

BANNISTER:
You’ve had a hard day.

SEAGOON:
Thank you. I’ll be off in the morning.

BANNISTER:
Ohh. But they say the bridge is under water. The River Foot has risen seven inches.

CRUN:
No Min, the River Severn has risen foot inches.

BANNISTER:
How can a river rise its foot inches?

CRUN:
Who’s talking about a river with feet?!

BANNISTER:
Don’t you raise your voice to me, Chummy!

FX:
WOOD BLOCKS – SLAPPING –

OMNES:
(Fighting)

GRAMS:
BREAKING GLASS

BANNISTER AND CRUN:
Ohhh, arrrghh (lasts 18 seconds) (Ends in loud explosion)

BANNISTER:
Now Henry, don’t make me loose my temper…..Where is he? Henry?

SEAGOON:
He’s gone. He did a brilliant impression of the ooslum (oozelum) bird.

BANNISTER:
Then who have I been hitting?

WILLIUM:
It was me, Ma. I come down in me ‘jamas to get a mug o’ tea, And “Whallop! Thun! Blut!” I cops a piano on me nut!

SEAGOON:
It suits you, though.

WILLIUM:
Yer. Well I admit, pianos have always suited me, you know sir. I, er, (sniffs) you see, I got a B flat ‘ead, you see.

SEAGOON:
Oh, I see.

WILLIUM:
Dead grey (???).

SEAGOON:
How come you’ve got you pyjamas on back-to-front?

WILLIUM:
Well, I turned round suddenly and left ‘em behind…. I’d better get up to bed now. Good nighty, matey.

SEAGOON:
Good night? But it’s breakfast time.

WILLIUM:
Yes, well I don’t like waitin’ to the last minute, you see…there’s only one pair of stairs up to my room, and if I miss ‘em I have to wait for the next pair…An hour before they get ‘ere…. Good night on you.

SEAGOON:
And good night on you.

FX:
DOOR OPENS, POURING RAIN, DOOR CLOSES

ECCLES:
‘Ello! ‘ello Auntie Min, ‘ello Uncle Crun.

CRUN:
Hello Muckle.

ECCLES:
‘Ello Uncle Crun.

SEAGOON:
I’m squire Seagoon of the Fernakapan Farm.

ECCLES:
‘Ello squire Seon o da fernakann fallam.

CRUN:
Master Muckle, what have you been doing?

ECCLES:
I’ve been watering the garden.

SEAGOON:
In all the rain?

ECCLES:
Don’t look at me so strange, I had a mackintosh on, my man.

CRUN:
You must pardon Master Muckle, he’s going through the awkward age, you know.

BANNISTER:
He’s been going through it for 48 years now, you know.

SEAGOON:
Taking the long way round, eh? Ha ha ... ha hum.

ECCLES:
I ain’t never met you before, have I?

SEAGOON:
No.

ECCLES:
You see, I remembered!

CRUN:
He’s training you know.

ECCLES:
I’m training you know.

CRUN:
Next week he’s entering the World Sleeping Contest!

SEAGOON:
Why isn’t he in bed, training?

ECCLES:
Oww.

FX:
DOOR OPENS

ECCLES:
Wow it’s ….

GELDRAY:
Hold everything boy. I bring bad news boy.

SEAGOON:
Gad, it's a genuine Diana Dors cast of a wrestler.

GELDRAY:
No boy, I’m the town crier!

SEAGOON:
Well start crying then.

GELDRAY:
Listen boy, don’t laugh at me; I don’t get any extra money for doing these parts.

SEAGOON:
Sounds like a fair arrangement.

GELDRAY:
The valley is flooded boy.

CRUN:
Eccles! You watered those flowers too much I tell you!

ECCLES:
Oooohh

GELDRAY:
The bridge to London is under water. It’s a dead loss.

SEAGOON:
So are you mate . . . Get your conk on top of the old harmonica and we’ll fortify ourselves with the old brandy.

FX:
RUNNING FEET

INTERVAL:
Max plays that tune

GREENSLADE:
Part two, by which time it had been raining for forty days and forty nights, making a grand total of eighty days and nights. The waters rose, and then, at dawn….this!

ORCHESTRA:
BLOODNOK THEME

FX:
THUNDER, RAIN POURING, MORE THUNDER

BLOODNOK:
Ohh…oh..oh, what must the neighbours think? I say, Ellinga? What's happened?

ELLINGA:
(Ray Ellington) Yara upmagola Murum uga toot tola mumoo. Ora gola. Arrrum Blighme Oh.

BLOODNOK:
You too eh? Now, Where’s me breakfast?

FX:
CUP AND SAUCER RATTLING

ELLINGA:
Meega!

BLOODNOK:
Me Chota Housa (???)

FX:
HAMMER ON ANVIL REPEATEDLY UNDER

BLOODNOK:
Aeiough, uh, Ellinga! How long did you boil this egg?

FX:
KNOCK ON DOOR

BLOODNOK:
How long did you boil that door?

SEAGOON:
Major, open this egg!

FX:
DOOR OPENS, WATER SLOSHING

BLOODNOK:
How dare you bring all that water into my house?! Get out, water!

SEAGOON:
It’s no use shouting at it. That water is deaf.

BLOODNOK:
What a tragedy! Deaf water. Explain sir! Why are you floating through me bedroom on a piano?

SEAGOON:
I was sleeping on it, in the key of “G”, when suddenly the great dam burst!

BLOODNOK:
You filthy swine I shall see my solicitor…

SEAGOON:
Cut it out please, and get on. The floods are rising at a rate of three and sixpence an hour!

BLOODNOK:
Ohhh are they? Well, I must first dive down to the basement and collect the tenant’s rent.

FX:
SPLASH BUBBLES

SEAGOON:
While he’s gone, here’s a joke It appears that there were two men, you see, a Scottish man, a Jewish man, and they were having lunch together. After the meal the bill was proffered and the Scotsman was heard to say he would pay for it. Next day a Jewish ventriloquist was found murdered. Ha ha, yes, ha ha. Of course if I have offended the Scots by this story we can always tell the story so that it ends up with the Scots ventriloquist being murdered you see. (clear throat) Or on the other hand if we have offended both of them we substitute another race. Ha ha. Well to be on the safe side I should have told a story with different races all together. Now pay attention please Now the asbervil cup (???)

...???)...

BLOODNOK:
Arggh. Excuse me sir, they were all out, never mind, I had to turn the gas off, so it didn’t matter. Now, just fit this outboard motor onto the piano and….

FX:
OUTBOARD MOTOR SPEEDS UP

GREENSLADE:
Meantime, from the comparative safety of a long disused factory chimney, a French scrag reviews his financial position.

MORIARTY:
One empty tin

FX:
TIN DROPS ON FLOOR

MORIARTY:
One fishbone al le gun (???)

FX:
FISHBONE DROPS ON FLOOR

MORIARTY:
One ostrich formidàble (???)

FX:
METAL HITS FLOOR

MORIARTY:
Piece of string

FX:
CLANG

GRYTPYPE:
Hello!

MORIARTY:
Owwwww.

GRYTPYPE:
So! You’ve been keeping these things from me, eh?

FX:
SLAP

MORIARTY:
Ow!

GRYTPYPE:
Now, put all that stuff in my name, at once!

MORIARTY:
(gummy) I’m sorry Grytpype,

GRYTPYPE:
Well then?

MORIARTY:
Sorry Grytpype…can I have my teeth back for Christmas?

GRYTPYPE:
Here is the pawn ticket.

MORIARTY:
(gummy) You pawned my teeth?! You swine of a swine!

GRYTPYPE:
What?!

MORIARTY:
(gummy) I challenge you to a duel! Name your weapon!

GRYTPYPE:
Teeth!

MORIARTY:
(gummy) I’m lost!

GRYTPYPE:
Don’t take it to heart, steam Count. I have a feeling that any moment now our star will wax. Get you ear to the ground and hear what your ear can hear.

OMNES:
rhubarb, rhubarb

GRAMS:
CHICKEN CLUCKING

YOKEL3:
(Sellers) ‘Ere come the squire now, a ha.

SEAGOON:
I have called this meeting because of all this extraordinary weather.

YOKEL3:
I read in the paper that it’s Queen Anne’s reign.

BANNISTER:
So, it’s Queen Anne’s rain we’re getting, is it? She’s responsible?

SEAGOON:
This is a very serious allegation against Queen Anne. If this is Queen Anne’s rain, then we must ask her to stop it!

BLOODNOK:
I’m a military man sir; it’s my duty as a senior scoundrel to ask her majesty, Queen Anne, to leave off raining.

JAMPTON:
(Milligan) What are we going to do in the meantime? I mean…..Argh

SEAGOON:
I don’t know how to stop rain folks. If there was anybody who could, they’d be worth their weight in gold.

FX:
TWO WHOOSHES

MORIARTY:
We weigh 20 stone!

SEAGOON:
Who are you? Explain those frayed collars.

GRYTPYPE:
They are part of our entourage. We were resting in the Urals when we saw your plight.

SEAGOON:
I must draw the blinds.

GRYTPYPE:
This man, clenching a do-it-yourself beetroot, is Count Jim “Naboolas”

FX:
CASTANETS

MORIARTY:
Owwww

GRYTPYPE:
Moriarty; who will unleash a truth upon you!

MORIARTY:
The sky over England is leaking! And that’s why the rain is getting in!

OMNES:
rhubarb

YOKEL1:
(Secombe) He’s taking out the back of ‘is ‘ead!

GRYTPYPE:
Of course he is. That is where he keeps his words; it took him years to get it right, you know? The Count continues.

MORIARTY:
Yes, I suggest….

FX:
SPLAT

GRYTPYPE:
Who threw that steaming pudding at the Count?!

YOKEL2:
(Milligan) I did.

GRYTPYPE:
There’s two of us, you know!

FX:
SPLAT

GRYTPYPE:
Owww. Thank you.

SEAGOON:
Wait! You two men claim that the sky is leaking? What proof have you?

MORIARTY:
Water proof!

GRYTPYPE:
Moriarty, play him our qualifications.

FX:
SCRAP METAL

MORIARTY:
(sings with piano accompaniment) And there’s more where that came from, I don’t mean maybe, more where that came froooooom.

FX:
SLAP – SPLASH

MORIARTY:
Owwww.

GRYTPYPE:
There, recorded at sea.

SEAGOON:
I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

GRYTPYPE:
And now, good villagers, this is our plan; we will sue the government for neglecting to keep in good repair, the sky over Upper Dicker village.

OMNES:
(yokel) Arr, oh,

FX:
SPED UP CHICKEN SQUORKS?

GRYTPYPE:
We will of course need scientific premises. Tell me, has this village got a laboratory?

SEAGOON:
Could you spell that?

GRYTPYPE:
And ruin the gag? Never sir. Come Moriarty.

ORCHESTRA:
“THE ARCHER’S” THEME SLIGHTLY SPEEDED UP

GREENSLADE:
That was a special arrangement of the houses of parliament in the key of “C”.

HERN:
(Sellers) And now folks, a big hern for the hairy Speaker, hern.

ORCHESTRA:
“WHO WANTS TO BE HAPPY?”

OMNES:
shouting

ELDER:
(Secombe) Thank you…. Ahhh silence….on the floor (???)…….Arghhh

FX:
BODY HITS FLOOR

CHURCHILL:
(Sellers) There he goes. Honourable members a serious situation has arisen.

OMNES:
rhubarb, don’t believe it! rhubarb

CHURCHILL:
I’m glad you all came.

TORY TWIT:
(Milligan) Mr Prime Minister, (long, unintelligible question) ... spring tide ...Thank you.

CHURCHILL:
I’m coming to that sir; first, the grave news. The village of Upper Dicker has accused Queen Anne of reigning too long.

ELDER:
(Secombe - sounding nearly dead) Ohhh arrrrrrrr eh

CHURCHILL:
You choose your words well, sir. The villagers have insurrected!

MILLIGAN:
(off mic) The swines!

CHURCHILL:
So I have, this day, despatched a steam gunboat up the River Steam Dicker.

OMNES:
hear hear.

GREENSLADE:
And that is the end of “Today in Parliament”. Meantime, here is a non-sequitor entitled “Ray Ellington”.

INTERVAL:
Ray Ellington Quartet Play “Too Marvellous for Words”

Applause.

GREENSLADE:
Meantime, three men are trying to cross the River Dicker by iron bedstead.

FX:
WATER FLOWING UNDER

SEAGOON:
Well, it hasn't sunk yet!

BLOODNOK:
It’s not in the river yet.

SEAGOON:
I know, but if it doesn’t sink on land, that’s half the battle.

BLOODNOK:
Loo!

SEAGOON:
What’s “Loo”?

BLOODNOK:
Half a battle; Water-Loo! Ha ha!

ECCLES:
We got a water loo in our garden (waits for audience laughter – not a sausage). Apparently nobody else has.

BLOODNOK:
Never mind, we can’t live forever, you know.

ECCLES:
Oh no? You just wait and see, Bloodnok!

BLOODNOK:
Oh, very well, I will!……

ECCLES:
Ok (lip smacking noises)

BLOODNOK:
………Well, come on, I’m waiting.

ECCLES:
All right, I’m living forever as fast as I can.

BLOODNOK:
You’re a phoney, Mad Dan Eccles!

ECCLES:
Get on wid it. I’m getting tired, lyin’ in bed. My mother said that it’s not good for young men to lie in bed.

SEAGOON:
Get back in kip! You’re in training. Now, all stand on the bed, and lift it quickly, before we realise it can’t be done. Hup.

FX:
SPLASH

BLOODNOK:
It’s floating! And it fits the river perfectly!

SEAGOON:
It’s as I plinned, planned, plooned and plinged! Tonight, we’ll be in the London. With luck, Eccles should win the sleeping contest, and, with the prize money, we can afford a new sky over Dicker!

ECCLES:
‘ere, who’s de captain of dis bed?

BLUEBOTTLE:
I am! Sea Ranger ‘Bottle of de Royal Upper Dicker Navy! Stand clear of the bed for action.

FX:
SLAP

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh! My nut! You try dat again!

FX:
SLAP

BLUEBOTTLE:
Ohh! I’ll give you one more chance. Just you do dat again.

FX:
SLAP

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh! Don’t do dat again.

ECCLES:
Listen Mr Sealoon, if you hit ‘Bottle, you hit me!

FX:
SLAP

ECCLES:
Oh, he hit me! He hit me ‘Bottle!

BLUEBOTTLE:
You hit him again!

FX:
SLAP

ECCLES:
Owwwww

BLUEBOTTLE:
Eccles, you better get out of ‘ere before you get killed!

GRAMS:
LOUD EXPLOSION

SEAGOON:
Major Bloodnok! What was that explosion aft?

BLOODNOK:
Don’t ask lad. Don’t ask! Look, a naval sloop, and it’s firing shells addressed to us!

GREENSLADE:
Ahoy HMS Fairycake!

FLOWERDEW:
(Sellers) Oh!

GREENSLADE:
~~~ ~~~ (line drowned out by audience laughter) … Dicker, anyone who does will be incarcerated!

BLOODNOK:
You filthy swine!

SEAGOON:
Very well, we’ll chain the river to its banks. Oh ho.

FX:
SWANNEE WHISTLE DOWN - EXPLOSION

BLOODNOK:
Ohhh!

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS

OMNES:
rhubarb rhubarb

SEAGOON:
What is it?

YOKEL2:
(Milligan) There’s a strange monster, sir.

GRYTPYPE:
Good villagers, this is a hot air Goldolphus balloon in which we will ascend to repair your sky, as soon as Squire Seagoon returns with the money.

SEAGOON:
Stop! Bad news!

MORIARTY:
Bad news? That sounds like bad news!

SEAGOON:
The brass bedstead was sunk by naval gunfire and Eccles went down with his mattress! Worse still….he came up again.

MORIARTY:
So, there’s no money!!!!! Owwww!! Argh!!!

GRAMS:
EXPLOSION

GRYTPYPE:
He took that badly. Well gentlemen, no money – no repairs. But worst of all, (sobs) no money.

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS

GRAMS:
RAIN POURING UNDER

GREENSLADE:
And still it rained. The waters rose and, because of his build, Mr Secombe was the first in danger of drowning.

CRUN:
What are you doing at the window Min?

BANNISTER:
(blows bubbles)

CRUN:
Oh dear, this means we shall have to move up a floor again.

FX:
DOOR OPENS

SEAGOON:
Good news! Queen Anne’s stopped reigning!

BLOODNOK:
Thank heavens! I thought she’d never stop.

ECCLES:
At last! A happy ending!

BLOODNOK:
Not quite!

FX:
GUNSHOT

ECCLES:
Ohhh!

BLOODNOK:
That is a happy ending! Yes, well (sniffs) that’s about all there is really, I suppose…You’d better get out of here as quick as you can. You know.

ORCHESTRA:
SIG TUNE