Goon Show Script

The Spy or Who is Pink Oboe

Series 9, Episode 11

First broadcast on January 12, 1959. Script by Spike Milligan. Produced by John Browell. Peter Sellers had throat problems and was replaced by the four guest actors at the last hour.


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GREENSLADE:
This is the BBC Light Programme.

STARK:
(tragic actor) Pray say your Fertuffs quietly folks, as here is a High Fidelity recording of John Snagge.

GRAMS:
JOHN SNAGGE: This is the Satyricon of Petronius service of the Ba Be Sea, we apologise for the audience who attended the Goon Show on Sunday the 28th December. It has been discovered that these people had actually written in for tickets to see a broadcast of Swedish drill by the Luton Girls Male choir, the actual Goon Show audience were misdirected to a gramophone recital of Jackson Pollock Paintings on clubbed leather. We apologise to all concerned. I will now kill myself.

FX:
PISTOL SHOT. GROAN. THUD OF BODY.

GREENSLADE:
(breaks down) Ohh Master Snagge!

SEAGOON:
Don't cry Walm he remembered you in his will.

GREENSLADE:
How much???????

SEAGOON:
Oh, no money, he just said, "I remember Wal Greenslade".

SINGES:
(Milligan: Indian) Pardon me sir, but the Goon Show has broken out.

SEAGOON:
Singes! We must volunteer for it at once. Forward!

GRAMS:
BRISK ARMY OF BOOTS MARCHING AWAY WITH SECOMBE SINGING: "GIVE ME STOUT HEARTED MEN". SPEEDS UP.

GREENSLADE:
(as song fades) I too will volunteer for the Goon Show by announcing this announcement. We present, The Spy or -

GRAMS:
GREENSLADE (FAST) THE SPY ORRRRRRRRR (REPEAT).

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS

GREENSLADE:
Meantime, in a deserted lock-keeper's lock the remains of French Aristocracy is steaming.

GRAMS:
FADE IN BOILING POT

MORIARTY:
(sings) Shine through my silent thoughts again....

GRYTPYPE:
(Valentine Dyall) I say, that smells good Moriarty, what is it?

MORIARTY:
Me, I'm using Perfume de Sewers Devine on my knees.

GRYTPYPE:
You erotic fool! You know full well that knee perfumes were the cause of Louis Cans downfall.

MORIARTY:
Sapristi Doodle, Caramba le Ponk. You insult the knees of mon King mon Royalle de France. I challenge you to a seething duel. Name your weapon!

GRYTPYPE:
I name my weapon Bazil. Now you name yours.

MORIARTY:
I choose that magnificant melody divine the Miserae at ten paces....

SECOMBE:
(announcer) My Lords, ladies and gentlemen, this is a ten round....

FX:
JELLY SPLOSH

SECOMBE:
Thankyou.

GRYTPYPE:
Right in the old Dinner Disposer....

MORIARTY:
Now then, back to the back. Ten paces and Sing....

ORCHESTRA:
QUIET PIANO INTRO. TIMID BELL SOFTLY THROUGH OUT DUEL PUNCTUATING LINES

GRYTPYPE:
(sings) In yon gloomy toerr. (this duel grows in fury and determination as the singing continues).

MORIARTY:
(off) Miserae!

GRYTPYPE:
Where death now is gleaming.

MORIARTY:
Miserae!

GRYTPYPE:
In death we shall meet no more.

MORIARTY:
Miserae!

GRYTPYPE:
On a cold winter's day.

MORIARTY:
Miserae, Miserae MISERAEEEEEEEE (goes mad).

GRYTPYPE:
And now to the HUH.

GRAMS:
DOUBLE FORTE JELLY SPLOSH

MORIARTY:
(power) You swine, you try to hit me with that unsigned sock full of grit. I'll not give in. Anything you can do I can do better.

GRAMS:
THE FOLLOWING RECORDED, GETTING FASTER AND FASTER

GRYTPYPE:
No you can't!

MORIARTY:
Yes I can!

GRYTPYPE:
No you can't!

MORIARTY:
Yes I can!

GRYTPYPE:
No you can't!

MORIARTY:
Yes I can!

GRYTPYPE:
No you can't, no you can't, no you can't! …

(pause)

MORIARTY:
(sped up) Yes I cannnnnnnnnnnnn! …

FX:
SLAPSTICK

MORIARTY:
(sped up) Owwww!!!! …

GRAMS:
SPLASH - NORMAL SPEED

MORIARTY:
Help, I can't swim in water!

SEAGOON:
Here, grab this copy of Bulganin's confession.

MORIARTY:
Will it save me?

SEAGOON:
It saved him. Now slide this piece of dry land under you.

GRAMS:
SOUND OF PUSHING A GRAND PIANO ON CASTORS OVER A WOODEN FLOOR. THE CASTORS BEING A BIT SQUEAKY TO GIVE THE SOUND OF TRACTION

MORIARTY:
Tarrrr.

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, now Ned, for saving the Steam Count we charge a fee of three-shillings.

FX:
TILL

MILLIGAN:
(way off) Thank you.

GRYTPYPE:
Thank you.

SEAGOON:
Could you play that again?

FX:
TILL

SEAGOON:
What a lovely tune.

GRYTPYPE:
Like it? It's the National Anthem of America. All the shops are playing it. Now …

GRYTPYPESEAGOON:
Good Heavens! Then it's time for World War One.... on your marks.

FX:
PISTOL SHOT

GRAMS:
GREAT RUSH AWAY OF MANY BOOTS, WITH A MILITANT BUGLE CALL OVER THE TOP

GELDRAY:
That only leaves old Max "Conks" Geldray boys.

MILLIGAN:
~~~ ~~~ boy (can't really tell what he says)

INTERVAL:
MAX GELDRAY & ORCHESTRA.

(applause)

GREENSLADE:
Meantime in Whitehall.... plee ph plippy plee plo....

JYMPTON:
Excuse me Colonel Jim, sir, but...... Captain Seagoon's bed has just pulled up outside, sir.

COLONEL JIM:
Oh, by jove he must be a late-riser, just a minute.

FX:
POPPING CORK - POURING

COLONEL JIM:
I don't mind if I do. Come in Seagoon!

FX:
RUNNING FEET

SEAGOON:
(approaching) Hello, Colonel Jim, Sir.

COLONEL JIM:
How d'you do. I say Sit down my dear fellow, let me take some of your surplus legs from under your surplus.

SEAGOON:
Thank you, mind if I play a violin?

COLONEL JIM:
As long as it's one of ours.

SEAGOON:
Care for one?

COLONEL JIM:
Er, well just this once.

GRAMS:
TWO VIOLINS TUNING UP IN A VERY AMATEURISH WAY

COLONEL JIM:
By Jove, delicious, now Seagoon, do you know we're at war with naughty Germany?

SEAGOON:
Well, I heard shouting....

COLONEL JIM:
Lieutenant Jympton? Tell him all.

JYMPTON:
We need you sir, for counter espionage, sir.

SEAGOON:
Ha ha ha, I suppose it means certain death?

COLONEL JIM:
And a pension. A perfect combination.

SEAGOON:
Well, it's for the old country, ha ha, Seagoons have never flinched from death.

ORCHESTRA:
BRING IN A MUTED TRUMPET AT SUNSET EFFECT

COLONEL JIM:
(mutters supporting noises behind Seagoons speech, "well done", "good for you", chuckles, chuckles)

SEAGOON:
I can see it all now, I'll fight till me ammunitions gone I'll say to the other men; Lads, make your way back as best as you can ... me? I'll stay on, I'll fight 'em barehanded until I'm overpowered, and then I'll swallow my secret code. They'll torture me, I won't speak.... it'll mean the firing squad, ha ha. So what? They'll say; Any last requests? I say yes, damn you, I want evening dress.... I'll take my time and put it on with my full miniatures.... blind fold they'll say.... ha ha ha blind fold ha ha, the rifles'll come up, the click of the cartridges rammed home, they're taking aim.... ha ha ha .... I'll be smiling, that.... that carefree daredevil smile, the officer will raise his sword.... the volley will ring out, and I'll slump smiling to the floor - dead!

COLONEL JIM:
Well, Seagoon?

SEAGOON:
(bloody coward) I don't want to gooooo!

GRAMS:
WHOOSH

FX:
DOOR SLAMS

COLONEL JIM:
I say stop him before he gets to the bus stop.

GRAMS:
WHOOSH

(pause).

FX:
DOOR OPENS

(struggle)

SEAGOON:
(over above) Let me go, I'm a professional coward I tell you .... I don't want to go to war.

JYMPTON:
I caught him in Glasgow sir, wearing a Jewish kilt sir.

COLONEL JIM:
My old regiment. Look Seagoon, there's a thousand pounds in it! If you succeed in this mission it will shorten the war by three-feet six-inches.

SEAGOON:
So wars are being worn shorter this year?

COLONEL JIM:
Of course.

SEAGOON:
What's the job?

COLONEL JIM:
Well a certain German spy has got the complete plans and measurements of the Union Jack. It's our job to stop him before he builds a prototype.

SEAGOON:
Will they stop at nothing! Who is this fiend incarnate.

COLONEL JIM:
Jympton, tell him.

JYMPTON:
Have you ever heard of a German spy called (sings) "la da die, dum die dum, lum da die dum" (to tune march Lohengrin). Have you heard of him?

SEAGOON:
How do you spell it?

GRAMS:
MILLIGAN: SERIES OF STRANGE SOUNDS PLAYED AT SPEED

SEAGOON:
I think I'd recognise him if I heard him.

COLONEL JIM:
Jolly good.

SEAGOON:
Right. I'm your man.

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC LINK CHORDS

GREENSLADE:
A month has passed and we are now lumbered with a meeting of high military Freds.

SECOMBE:
Gentlemen, tomorrow we start our great mission to recover those plans of the Union Jack. I have chosen you all for your intelligence.

ECCLES:
(off) You sure of dat?

SECOMBE:
(coughs) There may have been some slip-ups. Tomorrow we leave for France. Now this is the secret password: "The wind is blowing through my grandmother's knees". The reply is: "Annie is waiting upstairs."

ECCLES:
Ohh, ho ho ho!

SECOMBE GRYTPYPE:
I can see we're going to have trouble with you.

FX:
SLAPSTICK

ECCLES:
Owww.

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS

GRAMS:
LIGHT WIND, AND SEMI-DISTANT SOUND OF AIRSHIP ENGINES REVVING

GREENSLADE:
Dawn at Hendon Aerodrome, a freshly wallpapered airship is...

GRAMS:
ENGINE TICKING OVER... APPROACH OF JEEP. PULLS UP WITH SQUEAL OF BRAKES.

GREENSLADE:
... being shaved for active service.

SEAGOON:
Morning Commander.

COMMANDER NARK:
Good morning, now Seagoon these are the code-names. (aside) You know I don't feel strange in this programme at all. Here are Do you know the code-names of our agents in France at allhere?

SEAGOON:
(confidence) Carry on, I'll remember them.

COMMANDER NARK:
There's the Black Rabbit, the Blue Pelican and the Yellow Alligator.

SEAGOON:
(confidence) Roger.

COMMANDER NARK:
Then there's the Octaroon Monkey, the Pink Oboe, and the Purple Mosquitoe.

SEAGOON:
(getting worried) Yes, I think I...

COMMANDER NARK:
Then there's the Vermillion Sock, the Vermillion Ponk, the Chocolate Speedway and the White Bint.

SEAGOON:
Look, I... I think I'd better write this down.

COMMANDER NARK:
No please don't, you'll go colour blind...

STARK:
Excuse me sir,... Your airship's ready sir.

SEAGOON:
Let me taste... (tastes)... Delicious... Right, tell Eccles to get inside,... Run my bath and lay out a Blonde Manequin.

STARK:
Hooray for war... ha ha (goes off).

DYALL:
I think we're going to have trouble with him too, Sir,

SEAGOON:
Well, Goodbye fellas, and Hugh?

JYMPTON:
Ah yes sir.?

ORCHESTRA:
SAXOPHONE "LAURA" A LA FILM BACKGROUND MUSIC

SEAGOON:
Hugh, say goodbye to Penelope for me...

JYMPTON:
Yes, (calls) Goodbye Penelope.

SEAGOON:
Not yet, you fool. When you see her darling, when you see her. Tell her... tell her...

JYMPTON:
Yes?

SEAGOON:
I don't think I have got anything to tell her.

JYMPTON:
Ahh, I'll tell her that then sir.

SEAGOON:
Gad, how we've loved, passionate, by heavens, she's a hot little number.

JYMPTON:
So I found out after I married her sir.

SEAGOON:
Ha, Ha. Ahemm yes, well, fair shares for all... goodbye...

OMNES:
Goodbye Sir!

GRAMS:
ROAR OF THE. GREAT AIRSHIPS ENGINES UP. GRADUALLY THEY FADE INTO DISTANCE. THEN SILENCE.

SEAGOON:
Who let go the rope before I got in?

COLONEL JIM:
I say Seagoon, that boy was doing his duty, we wanted you to miss that airship, that's to be a decoy.

SEAGOON:
How do I get to France then?

COLONEL JIM:
By this secret Military tri-cycle.

SEAGOON:
Gad, the war's as good as won. So saying, I hailed a taxi and cycled to Folkestone, there I caught a steam packet across the Channel, and as I drove my velosipy up the gang-plank, I saw another tricycle of foreign design upon my tail.

MILLIGAN:
Gerblongen, gerkeinen, ich hatte sich un Edgware Road three and nine viereinen emegenauge (etc.).

SEAGOON:
It's old Milligan doing his impression of a naughty German there!

GRAMS:
BURST OF A MACHINE GUN. ZOOMING OF PLANES IN COMBAT... OCCASIONAL MACHINE GUN FIRE.

SEAGOON:
By turning my tricycle in a tight turn, I was on his tail and let him have a burst of steam.

GRAMS:
STEAMMMMMMM

MILLIGAN:
Achhhhhhh gerswchweinen.

GRAMS:
HOWL OF DOOMED FIGHTER PLANE... FADE

MILLIGAN:
~~~~ You swine-hun.

SEAGOON:
Got him , right in his dooresas(?)! And so folks I shot down my first German tricycle. Waiting to sail, Old Man River Ellington played a merry shanty, and I went for the BRANDYYYYYYY.

GRAMS:
RUSHING AWAY OF DRINK CRAZED BOOTS, SCREAMS AND SHOUTS

INTERVAL:
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:

(applause).

GREENSLADE:
Part Three, the spy. Pon tee tally tee.

ORCHESTRA:
SEA MUSIC

GRAMS:
SEAGULLS OVER MUSIC. SHIPS TELEGRAPH. SOUND OF SEA. SEAMEN YELL

SEAGOON:
Well, so far so good. I...

GRAMS:
(Greenslade: Captain) Hello all passengers, this is your Captain Merry Jim Greenslade speaking, here is a warning, this ship will be passing through fish infested waters, many of them sympathetic to the Germans, so therefore, there must be no naked lights on board.

MR O'TOOLE:
You hear that Mrs O'Toole? Put some clothes on that match.

MRS O'TOOLE:
Well, oh I can't I'm looking for my Dorothy bag darlin'.

MR O'TOOLE:
Oh, that old bag.

MRS O'TOOLE:
ButWell... I must find it, cocky.

MR O'TOOLE:
Why, what's in it? What's in it Eh eh?

MRS O'TOOLE:
You are... Darlin'.

MR O'TOOLE:
Oh... Dear you naughty woman, you told me it was an overcoat sewn up at the bottom.

MRS O'TOOLE:
We couldn't afford the fare Darlin'.

MR O'TOOLE:
You got me into a yer Dorothy bag under false pretences... You darlin', darlin'.

BOTH:
ARGUE. FADE.

ORCHESTRA:
VERY CORNY BUT WELL PLAYED SHORT LINK. ALL VERY NEAT BUT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

GRAMS:
AIRSHIP IN FLIGHT. THEN CHANGE TO AIRSHIP AS HEARD FROM INSIDE GONDOLA.

GREENSLADE:
We join the pilotless airship of the plotless story... with the luckless Eccles.

GRAMS:
BATH TAP RUNNING

ECCLES:
Va de din tee nade de oi. Captain, your bath's ready ... Captain?... Captain? ... Captain? ... Funny thing folks ... I better go and see...

FX:
DOOR OPENS

ECCLES:
Oh! Pardon me Miss, have you seen Captain Seagoon?

ENCHANTRESS:
No, I haven't darling.

ECCLES:
Ohhhh, I'm not dat young Yupahhhaho...

ENCHANTRESS:
Tell me, tell me. What's your name?

ECCLES:
My name is Eccles. Nooo!..... Rock Hudson... dats what I am, I'm Rock Hudson buddy …

ENCHANTRESS:
Well you come and sit down here Rocky, you naughty, naughty boy.

ECCLES:
Oh her her he her oh hre hre reher.

FX:
KNOCKING ON DOOR

ECCLES:
Oh, ders somebody knocking at the airship door. At twenty-thousand feet?

ENCHANTRESS:
He must be very tall.

ECCLES:
anything you say I'm coming! Who's that out der?

FX:
DOOR OPENS. RUSH OF WIND OUTSIDE AIRSHIP.

FLOWERDEW:
I say, I say do help me, Eccles... I'm balancin' on a ladder and I'm being chased by a police ladder.

ECCLES:
STRAINS... Ohhhhh.

FX:
DOOR SLAMS

FLOWERDEW:
I say Eccles, you do look rather a decent type (?)) weak and tired. Don't you think you sort of better get at the steering wheel. I mean to say there's no-one nobodys steering, I mean isn't that but that's silly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

ECCLES:
I'd better watch this one.

FLOWERDEW:
I'll take over then By Jove, fighting for England, oh if only my mother could see me now.

FX:
FAST PHONE RINGS UP QUICK

FLOWERDEW:
Hello is that you mother?

SECOMBE:
(German) Is zat airship R.U.l.2?

FLOWERDEW:
Yes, R.U.1.2.

SECOMBE:
(German) Tell your pilot to put his hands, legs and teeth up, or I'll fire gerbang.

FLOWERDEW:
Oh, do you know him then?

SECOMBE:
(German) Dis is Von (sings) "la da die, dum die dum, lum da die dum" (Lohengrin).... I'm on your tail in a German fighter Triplane.

FLOWERDEW:
Well, I tell you, he's awfully busy... can I sort of tell him to ring you back later - say about three?

SECOMBE:
Nein.

FLOWERDEW:
Alright nine then.

SECOMBE:
(furious German).

ECCLES:
Give me dat here. Listen nutty I can't drive this airship wid my hands-up.

GRAMS:
BURST OF MACHINE GUN FIRE, ABOUT FIVE MACHINE GUNS AT DIFFERENT SPEEDS ALL OVER IN A BLASTING FLASH

ECCLES:
Ah... ....... I'm learning though...

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS

SEAGOON:
When the ship docked in Paris, I was contacted by a mysterious man.

MYSTERIOUS MAN:
Pssst... Pssst... Psssst pssssst psssssst

SEAGOON:
He's got a puncture.

MYSTERIOUS MAN:
M'suie Follow me while I'll follow you.

GRAMS:
RUNNING ALONG. TWO PAIRS OF BOOTS. PASS INTO DISTANCE.

SEAGOON:
For an hour we ran in French which I ran fluently. At Midnight we arrived at an old Chateau in Ville de Fon the foon.

JIM:
Hello Jim "The Wind is blowing through my Grandmother's knees"...

SEAGOON:
"Annie is waiting upstairs".

JIM:
Good, menennnnn... he is one of us.

STARK:
Good, Thank heavens, he's not one of them dear.

JIM:
Silence Madam X...

SEAGOON:
Can you tell me anything about (sings) "la da die, dum die dum, lum da die dum" (Lohengrin).

JIM:
I know his whereabouts.

SEAGOON:
Introduce me to them.

JIM:
Very difficult Jim... very difficuuuuuulltttt. Go to the Lonely Cross Roads at Rue de Postcards, there you will stand on one leg and whistle the English!

SEAGOON:
Gad, I'll be whistling for England.

CONNOR:
(French) 'ere Monsieur. First you must swallow zis alarm clock.

GRAMS:
MIX IN TICKING BEHIND DIALOGUE

SEAGOON:
(gulps, mouth noises. Talks over the gulps).

CONNOR:
When it rings you'll know where it is at the time.

SEAGOON:
Brilliant, farewell!

CONNOR:
C'est un Charlie. cert a mon

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS. WITH GERMAN HIGH COMMAND ATMOSPHERE.

SECOMBE:
(German) For zer last time tell me vere is British Agent, called (sings) "Knees up Mudder Brune" is hiding.

ECCLES:
Weee don't knoww, where Knees up Mudder Brown is hiding (nonsense).

SECOMBE:
A likely story - here Davidson, tie zese men to a band of explosive saxophones.

ORCHESTRA:
DRAMATIC CHORDS.

GRAMS:
LIGHT WIND, APPROACH OF NEDDIE RUNNING. STOPS IN FOREGROUND.

SEAGOON:
Ah these are the cross-roads, now stand on one leg and whistle. (whistles very twittery Lohengrin).

GRAMS:
JELLY SPLOSH IN FACE

SEAGOON:
Ohh err... spuk... err... Who threw that enemy Christmas pudding?

GRYTPYPE:
Quick, tie his teeth behind his back, before he can eat it.

MORIARTY:
There!

SEAGOON:
You devils, you'll hear from my solicitor about this...

GRAMS:
LOUD TICKING

MORIARTY:
Sapriscri labolas There's something ticking inside his stomach!

GRYTPYPE:
It must be a stomach bomb, run for it!

GRAMS:
FURIOUS RUNNING AND SCREAMING (SPED UP) BY THYNNE & MORIARTY

WILLIUM:
'Ere, was that you whistling on one leg, mate?

SEAGOON:
Yes. (slowly) "The wind is whistling up my grandmother's knees".

WILLIUM:
Oh, she orter wear long draws then, mate! ha ha!

SEAGOON:
That was a secret code you nit. He wasn't at rehearsal you know ~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~.

WILLIUM:
I'm not with it yet.

SEAGOON:
I don't think we are either.

WILLIUM:
I've an important word mate, "Annie is waiting upstairs".

SEAGOON:
Good. Who are you?

WILLIUM:
I'm Pink Oboe.

SEAGOON:
Good heavens, Ted Ray's grandfather.

WILLIUM:
And I can prove it. Now listen, Eccles is in danger.

SEAGOON:
This is going to be a happy ending folks!

WILLIUM:
Now get that wheel-barrow there and foller me.

GRAMS:
TRUNDLING A WHEELBARROW ALONG. ONE MAN'S BOOTS RUNNING EFFECT AS IF A MAN RUNNING AND PUSHING THE BARROW.

ORCHESTRA:
BRIEF DRAMATIC CHORDS

GRAMS:
CHAINS STRUGGLES

GREENSLADE:
(over) In here agent "knees up Mother Brown" ...

SEAGOON:
(coming out of the music) Let me go, you German devils you.

FX:
IRON PRISON DOOR SLAMS

SEAGOON:
Swines. (sniff) Funny smell in here -Bloodnok!

ECCLES:
It's He's not in, it's me over in the corner, I'm tied to an this barrel of exploding saxophones. Quick!

SEAGOON:
Let me -

GRAMS:
EXPLOSION

FX:
CLOCK FALLS ON FLOOR TICKING

ECCLES:
Oh - Neddie? Well, that's the sad story of Agent Ned folks... all that's left...

GRAMS:
BRING IN ALARM CLOCK TICKING

ECCLES:
... is this clock he swallowed.

GRAMS:
ALARM GOES

ECCLES:
Oh dear, time for beddy-byes. Where's my dolly?

ENCHANTRESS:
Here I am darling.

ECCLES:
I'm not that young fellas...

ORCHESTRA:
"OLD COMRADES MARCH" PLAYOUT