Goon Show Script
The Vanishing Room
Vintage Goons Series, Episode 6
First broadcast 13th October 1958. Transcribed by Moriarty.
This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium
9
GREENSLADE:
The BBC presents Vintage Goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954
ORCHESTRA:
Short fanfare in G
GRAMS:
Cheering
MILLIGAN:
Ta
SELLERS:
In the county of Sissex lies the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-Cleat from the village of the same name
MILLIGAN:
Population in eighteen eighty nine, four thousand eight hundred and sixty two.
SECOMBE:
Population in nineteen fifty four, eighty seven
SELLERS:
Principle exports: population.
MILLIGAN:
(Laughs)
GREENSLADE:
Brodley-on-Cleat bore one famous son, the Poet Sprunt. He wrote but one sonnet
SPRUNT:
An art and glued, the clued and garly by. Arnd du full fargen dypen crackley glarn. Be near the clated Brodley bicent down. Ahahahar, ahahahar. Brodley-on-Cleat, by ripple slipped gyzee dead ohohar
GREENSLADE:
On hearing this, the villagers erected a tombstone and placed the poet under it
ORCHESTRA:
Start of 'Greensleves'
SECOMBE:
Whilst the villagers slept through the centuries, its rural simplicity broken only by moments of simple fun such as . . .
SELLERS:
The dreaded werewolf murders of seventeen seventy six.
THROAT:
The black agonised stranglings of seventy seven
SECOMBE:
The ghastly massacres of seventy eight
SELLERS:
(Jewish accent) The two-headed axe murders of seventy nine
MILLIGAN:
The case of the Walding (???) regiment murders and then, and then there was . . .
ORCHESTRA:
Timpani roll
LEW:
The Vickers garden party
GREENSLADE:
Can one wonder then at the horror that beset those peaceful villagers when in nineteen fifty three, they found themselves inextricably embroiled in . . .
SECOMBE:
The Case of the Vanishing Room
ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link
SELLERS:
Indeed, the Case of the Vanishing Room. There was only one man to call in
SEAGOON:
There was only one man available, me, Inspector Ned Seagoon. I well recall that morning, when I was taken in my dustbin to Scotland Yard
FX:
Door opens, lid of dustbin taken off
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Ah Seagoon, get out of that dustbin and sit down. Things are happenin' and happenin' fast. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the phone didn't ring
[3-second pause]
SEAGOON:
You're right, it didn't
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Seagoon, you've got a police dog's certificate?
SEAGOON:
I have
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Then why aren't you wearing your spike collar?
SEAGOON:
Well it was a bit warm this morning, I - I left it in the oven last night you see I ... [laughs]
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Er you silly little doggy you
SEAGOON:
[Makes dog noises]
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Oh you are a silly little doggy
SEAGOON:
[Makes short dog noise]
SCOTTISH CHIEF:
However, there's been a diabolical murder at Brodley-on-Cleat. I want you to find out a few things. hu-a-mu-ow
SEAGOON:
Right, Sergeant Ellington, spread out and follow me
ORCHESTRA:
Allegro (fast-tempo) link
GREENSLADE:
So Seagoon and his hordes arrived at Brodley-on-Cleat
SELLERS:
[monotone] Brodley-on-Cleat in the county of Sissex lies in the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-cleat . . .
SECOMBE:
Thank you, thank you, we've had all that before
SELLERS:
Oh you made me hurt myself! Uh owwl ~~~
SEAGOON:
Come on lads, this is the police station
FX:
Door knocker knocking on door
HENRY CRUN:
[Snoring]
MIN BANNISTER:
Ooohh, Henry, Henry
SEAGOON:
Ssh, flatten against the wall, someone's coming
MIN BANNISTER:
Henry, nicky nucky noo. Heenryyyyy
HENRY CRUN:
What what did . . .
MIN BANNISTER:
Phish tooo!
HENRY CRUN:
I've had two fish Min, what do you want?
MIN BANNISTER:
I heard a knock on the door, Henry
HENRY CRUN:
Knock, knock on the door?
MIN BANNISTER:
Nicky nocky on the door, Henry. [Thumping beat] Nicky nucky nocky nucky nocky noo!
HENRY CRUN:
[Snores]
MIN BANNISTER:
Did you hear that, Hen?
HENRY CRUN:
Aeough!
MIN BANNISTER:
Heeennrryyyyyyyy!
HENRY CRUN:
Aaeeoouugghh! What, what, what?
MIN BANNISTER:
What's the matter with you down there?
HENRY CRUN:
What are you talk . . .
MIN BANNISTER:
You dozy old man you . . .
HENRY CRUN:
You nattering old, ~~~ shut up
HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER:
[Both tiredly arguing] Phish tooo!
FX:
Door knocker knocking on door
MIN BANNISTER:
Oooohhh! Did you hear that knocking?
HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER:
Knicky nocky [etc.]
MIN BANNISTER:
There's someone knocking at the door, Henry
HENRY CRUN:
What, what, what, what? It is knocking Min, on the door, I think
MIN BANNISTER:
Answer it, Henry
HENRY CRUN:
I can't find it, Min
MIN BANNISTER:
Oh dear, where did you leave that door last?
HENRY CRUN:
I found it, I found the door, Min
FX:
Door knocker knocking on door
SEAGOON:
Open up in the name of the law!
MIN BANNISTER AND HENRY CRUN:
Phish tooo!
HENRY CRUN:
Min, someone's found the brown door from the other side
MIN BANNISTER:
What?
HENRY CRUN:
It must reach both ways
MIN BANNISTER:
Mercy, save us, we'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you, oohh god, we'll all be murdered! The power! The ~~~, The power, the ~~~.
HENRY CRUN:
(at the same time as Min) Don't worry Min, don't worry
HENRY CRUN:
Min. defend your legs, Min. I'll take cover and defend you. Give me that loaded dish cloth
FX:
Door opens
SEAGOON:
And about time too
HENRY CRUN:
Hands up you devil. Don't force me to use this eiderdown.
SEAGOON:
Calm down, calm down please. I'm Inspector Seagoon
HENRY CRUN:
Is this an official visit?
SEAGOON:
I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on
HENRY CRUN:
Oh dear, that'll mean re-potting the Geraniums
MIN BANNISTER:
And the baby too
SEAGOON:
Yes [laughs]. Now ~~~??? where's the criminal record book? Meantime Max Geldray will play a blunt instrument
MIN BANNISTER:
Heeelp!
MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA:
'One, Two, Button Your Shoe'
GREENSLADE:
From Crun, Seagoon learned that the murder had been commited at the home of Lord Cretinby
SEAGOON:
Ooh
GREENSLADE:
And in no time, he was knocking at the door
MIN BANNISTER:
Nicky nucky noo!
FX:
Door opens
GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] Yes, who is it?
SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Is this the place where there's been a murder?
GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] Yes, which murder are you inquiring about?
SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Which murder? How many have there been?
GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] One
SEAGOON:
[Whisper] That's the one. Now I'm Inspector Seagoon and I . . .
JIM SPRIGGS:
[Off, loud] Close the door, will you? The snow's drifting over the body and you know what a weak chest he has!
SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Here, why isn't he whispering?
GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] He hasn't got laryngitis
JIM SPRIGGS:
[On] Hello Jim, I said - oh, the police the police!
SEAGOON:
Yes, the police!
JIM SPRIGGS:
Ohoho! I-I-I-I - I am Wiliby (???) the butler. I found the body, namely Lord Cretinby, [singing] come iiiiiin!
SEAGOON:
Thank you
FX:
Door closes
SEAGOON:
Now, so you found the body
JIM SPRIGGS:
I did sir, I did, when I entered the library to serve the poisoned coffee
SEAGOON:
Ah. Oh, the library you say
JIM SPRIGGS:
[Sings] The library I saaaayyyy! [Not singing] That hurts
SEAGOON:
Did you, did you see him fall?
JIM SPRIGGS:
No sir, I was too busy wiping the blood-stained knife
SEAGOON:
Mmm, the library you say
JIM SPRIGGS:
The library I say
SEAGOON:
Mmm, did anyone else come into the room?
JIM SPRIGGS:
Impossible sir, I never left the table save to disarm the pistol in an acid bath
SEAGOON:
The library you say
GRYTPYPE:
The library I say
JIM SPRIGGS:
He didn't let me say it
GRYTPYPE:
It wasn't your say
GREENSLADE:
During the course of this mystery, certain heavily disguised clues will be planted, giving a key to the real murderer. Now read on
SEAGOON:
You are Lord Cretinby's secretary
GRYTPYPE:
Yes
SEAGOON:
So, Lord Cretinby was shot, poisoned and stabbed
GRYTPYPE:
Yes sir yes
SEAGOON:
I see. Did he give any explanation of this?
GRYTPYPE:
Not a word, sir
SEAGOON:
He won't get away with this
GRYTPYPE:
Well I wouldn't be too confident, sir. Lord Cretinby is a difficult man to handle
SEAGOON:
Why?
GRYTPYPE:
He's frozen solid, sir
SEAGOON:
What did you do next?
GRYTPYPE:
I called the doctor, of course
SEAGOON:
Why?
GRYTPYPE:
That's his name, Ofcourse. Terrence Ofcourse, you must've heard of him
SEAGOON:
Why should I?
GRYTPYPE:
I've just told you about him
SEAGOON:
Oohh yes, I'll make a note of that
ORCHESTRA:
Piano playing high A note
SEAGOON:
Thank you. Now photographs of the scene of the crime. Eccles?
FX:
Door opens
ECCLES:
Ah yeah, did I hear you, hallo?
SEAGOON:
Have you got your camera?
ECCLES:
Yeah I got it
SEAGOON:
That's a bit of luck
ECCLES:
Why?
SEAGOON:
I want you to take some photographs
ECCLES:
What a coincidence
SEAGOON:
Why?
ECCLES:
I've got my camera!
SEAGOON:
Good, we'll be able to take some photographs
ECCLES:
Well I'm glad I brought my camera
SEAGOON:
Right, you're the very one to take some photos
ECCLES:
Right, I'll get set up. [Laughs]
SEAGOON:
You'd never think he was a Duke's son, would you?
GRYTPYPE:
No
SEAGOON:
Well don't 'cause he's not [clears throat]
ECCLES:
OK, all ready. Who's it to be?
SEAGOON:
I want a photograph of that body lying in the corner
ECCLES:
Oooh, ain't he gonna stand up?
SEAGOON:
He can't, he's had it
ECCLES:
Ooh, Well ok, but these pictures won't look very lifelike
SEAGOON:
Have you got a dark room?
ECCLES:
Yeah, I got a [softer voice] I got a dark room that will revolutionize all dark rooms
SEAGOON:
How come?
ECCLES:
[Normal voice] It's got a light in it! [Laughs]
SEAGOON:
Get on with it
ECCLES:
OK now then, ready? One, two . . .
SEAGOON:
Hold it, hold it, you've got the camera pointing at yourself
ECCLES:
Oooh I wondered why all the pictures had been coming out like me. I've got a million photographs of me.
SEAGOON:
Get on with it, get on lad, get on
ECCLES:
OK, OK, now come on lordship, come on little body, look at the dicky bird. Come on, smile!
FX:
Camera shutter
ECCLES:
OK that's it, I took him
SEAGOON:
Well, well, well, we'll have to seal the room. Eccles, you seal all the windows
ECCLES:
OK
SEAGOON:
Grytpype, you're doing nothing. Come with me, we'll seal the main door
FX:
Door opens and closes
SEAGOON:
Right, now we'll just nail these boards over
GRAMS:
Fast nailing
SEAGOON:
Now a few locks and chains
FX:
Rattling chains
SEAGOON:
That's it, now the final touch. I'll just spread this micro dust to pick up fingerprints
FX:
Cloping of some sort
SEAGOON:
Ha ha, now no-one can get in that room until I open this door. Believe me that will take some opening [laughs]
ECCLES:
[Muffled] OK, open up, I've sealed all the windows in here
SEAGOON:
Ah no! I've left him inside. It'll all have to come down again. Come on, lend me a hand
GRAMS:
Bricks? Falling to ground
SEAGOON:
[over grams] I don't know why I brought him in the first place. Proper Nelly. Police photographer? He should never have left the Eastbourne beach . . .
GRYTPYPE:
Right, It's all done sir
SEAGOON:
Well done, I'll go in
FX:
Door opens and closes
GRAMS:
[Faint] Door bell rings
GRYTPYPE:
Inspector?
SEAGOON:
Yes?
GRYTPYPE:
There's somebody at the front door
SEAGOON:
For heaven's sake, go down and answer it
GRAMS:
Footsteps on floorboards, then tiles, door bell rings
GRYTPYPE:
[Humming] Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
FX:
Door opens
SEAGOON:
You took your time?
GRYTPYPE:
Inspector, I thought you were upstairs in the library
SEAGOON:
It's gone, the library's gone. I went in and I walked into thin air
GRYTPYPE:
The room is gone?
SEAGOON:
Yes
GRYTPYPE:
The photographer and Lord Cretinby?
SEAGOON:
Yes, [panicking] they've gone too! Ellington, follow that room
ELLINGTON:
Right, hold tight, hold tight
SEAGOON:
(off) Well done, well done
RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:
'Will You Still Be Mine?'
GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile in Paris, where he had been driven by the music you've just heard, Major Bloodnok a well known absentee was checking into a typical Montmartre ponsion the Hotel Fred, little knowing what was in store
ORCHESTRA:
Bloodnok theme
BLOODNOK:
Aaeeoouugghh
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Oui, Monsieur?
BLOODNOK:
I want a single room with joining doors please
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Our speciality Monsieur. Sign the register please
BLOODNOK:
Certainly, certainly
FX:
Pen scratching on paper
BLOODNOK:
[over FX] Mr. & Mrs. Smith
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
But Monsieur is alone
BLOODNOK:
Oh yes, pardon me, I thought I was on holiday I beg your pardon. Major Bloodnok, Indian Army, retired. Now come along you naughty Frenchman, where's me room?
FX:
Door opens
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Voici le chambre
BLOODNOK:
Right, well here's something for your trouble
FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
It was no trouble
BLOODNOK:
Oh, well in that case I'll have it back again, and get out of here!
FX:
Door closes
BLOODNOK:
Now where's the bathroom? Ah, here it is. Thud me crodger and split me thadera! The blasted door has recently been sealed and unsealed
FX:
Door opens
ECCLES:
Oh Inspector Seagoon . . . Ooh, Inspector Seagoon, you're in disguise
BLOODNOK:
Flip me dongeler and lower me groblers! Who in blazes is this ragged goon?
ECCLES:
Oh don't fool around Inspector Seagoon, I've sealed all the windows like you told me
BLOODNOK:
What the devil are you talking about, you Neolithic, naughty boy you? What are you doing with that naughty camera?
ECCLES:
I was taking pictures of the body
BLOODNOK:
Filthy postcards!
ECCLES:
No no! Iiiiiii ain't been taking . . .
BLOODNOK:
Don't lie to me. How much do you want for the lot then?
ECCLES:
I ain't got any of them postcards
BLOODNOK:
Then get out of here, you clean postcarder you. Wait, aaahaha ooh, who's that disgusting bounder lying on the floor?
ECCLES:
I was taking his photograph
BLOODNOK:
Lying down?
ECCLES:
No I was standing up, he was lying down.
BLOODNOK:
You felt no pain of course?
ECCLES:
No, but it's done me a power of good
BLOODNOK:
Good. Who is this infernal man anyway?
ECCLES:
Well um ah, that's Lord Cretinby
BLOODNOK:
Rubbish
ECCLES:
No that's not rubbish, that's Lord Cretinby
BLOODNOK:
Look here, this is impossible. I know for a fact that Lord Cretinby was murdered yesterday at Brodley-on-Cleat
ECCLES:
I know, I I've been here since yesterday
BLOODNOK:
But this is Paris
ECCLES:
[Gulps] Paris? [Shocked] This is, this is Paris?!
BLOODNOK:
Yes, Paris. Clud me thudder!
ECCLES:
Wallop
BLOODNOK:
Ow. Look out of the window there. Look, I mean look, there's the Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, Arc de Triomphe !
ECCLES:
Ooh, what's Paris doing in Brodley-on-Cleat?
BLOODNOK:
What are you talking about?
ECCLES:
I tell you that man's in Brodley-on-Cleat. I took a dicky bird photograph of him . . .
BLOODNOK:
[Over Eccles] Look here, look here!
ORCHESTRA:
Mysterious link
GREENSLADE:
Meantime, in Brodley-on-Cleat, Inspector Seagoon suddenly hit a clue
SEAGOON:
I've got it, when we opened that door, the library disappeared, right?
GRYTPYPE:
So right
SEAGOON:
There was a phone in that room, wasn't there?
GRYTPYPE:
Yes, Brodley 3-9-1
SEAGOON:
So if I phone that number, I should get through to that room. Give me that phone
FX:
Phone taken off hook, dials number
SEAGOON:
They don't call me brainless Seagoon for nothing
GRYTPYPE:
I'm sure they don't, sir
GRAMS:
Outgoing ring, phone picked up on other end
ECCLES:
[Other end] Um [clears throat] hello, Brodley 3-9-1 here
SEAGOON:
Eccles, is that you Eccles?
ECCLES:
[Other end] Um, just a minute. [2-second pause] Yeah, it's me
SEAGOON:
Where did you go?
ECCLES:
[Other end] Look in the mirror
SEAGOON:
Eccles, where are you?
ECCLES:
[Other end] I'm in Paris [chuckles]
SEAGOON:
Good heavens, the missing room is in Paris. Eccles wait there, I'll catch the next train to Paris!
ECCLES:
[Other end] Right
GRAMS:
Steaming train, guard's whistle, chug of engine fading for 20sec.
SEAGOON:
I should've been on that train. Never mind, I'll catch the next pair of Paris bound boots. I'll leave for Dover at once!
GRAMS:
Splash
LITTLE JIM:
He's fallen in the water! [After applause] Ta
SELLERS:
Thank you, lad. Meantime, in the Hotel Fred, the manager had made two startling discoveries; a British room was staying at his hotel and Bloodnok had been concealing two unpaid guests - one living, one dead
ECCLES:
I'm the living one, folks
BLOODNOK:
This blasted manager's locked me in my room and I . . .
FX:
Fast knocks on door
BLOODNOK:
Aeough! It's that fiendish Frenchman again
ECCLES:
How do you know?
BLOODNOK:
He's knocking in French
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Ouvre le port, s'il vous plait
ECCLES:
Ooh, it's a foreigner!
BLOODNOK:
What, you mean they've even got them in France? Oh well entrée
FX:
Door opens
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Now Monsieur, ze bill. If you do not pay it, we will throw you out
BLOODNOK:
One more threat like that and I'll leave
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Monsieur must pay for the extra British room he brought in
BLOODNOK:
But I didn't bring it here
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Maybe not but your friend is lying down in it
BLOODNOK:
Yes, he's dead
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Oh pardon, then we'll make a reduction, we always make a reduction for dead person
BLOODNOK:
How kind, how kind
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
There only remains, let me see now, 5000 francs for the extra room
BLOODNOK:
What? But I'm not living in the extra room!
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
We are not charging you for living in the room
BLOODNOK:
Then what are you charging for?
FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
We are charging you for the room staying at this hotel
BLOODNOK:
Clud me thudderer and frauder me zallibet! Get out of here you fiend, we're Britishers do you hear
ECCLES:
Yeah, just remember, just remember I . . . What am I talking about, remembered what?
FX:
Door opens
SEAGOON:
Alright you French devils, drop that tray. Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE:
I heard you call, I heard you call me, captain. Give your orders, I will work 'til I drop! I always drop when I work. Moves left stage, strikes policeman pose with truncheon out ready, remains alert
SEAGOON:
Have you done?
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes
SEAGOON:
Thank you. Right, Bluebottle, arrest that corpse
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes I will arrest him, I will . . . Corpse? Did you say arrest the corpse, my captain? Ehium. Turns white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint, but manages to hold onto drainpipe
SEAGOON:
Arrest him, I said arrest that corpse!
BLUEBOTTLE:
What is the charge? Name the charge against that corpse, man
SEAGOON:
Leaving the country without a passport
ECCLES:
Ooh, but he ain't done nothing, that's Lord Cretinby. It's him that's been done in
SEAGOON:
Is that true Lord Cretinby, have you been murdered? So you won't answer ay? This will go hard for you at the trial. Bluebottle?
BLUEBOTTLE:
Speak captain, let your orders ring out to my welcoming ears. Crime does not pay, I say, crime does not pay. If it did, I would've joined it. Strikes heroic McClusky of the mounties pose
SEAGOON:
Thank you, you've finished have you?
BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes I have
SEAGOON:
Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. Bluebottle, you'll sit in that chair and take the place of the late Lord Cretinby. Eccles, you take the murder gun, walk in here and pretend to shoot Bluebottle three times like they do in the pictures, right?
ECCLES:
Goodie, goodie, this is fun. Where's that pistol? Now I'll go outside
FX:
Door opens and closes
ECCLES:
[Off] Now then, are you ready?
SEAGOON:
Righto, let's be having you
FX:
Door opens
ECCLES:
Ahahahaha ha! So Lord Cretinby, your time has come, take that
GRAMS:
Three gunshots
BLUEBOTTLE:
You swine, you rotten swine, you have shotted me. Farewell cruel world, eihii! Slumps to floor in death agony, does quick twitch, auee. Oh, there's a nail in the floor
SEAGOON:
That's it, that's how the murder was done! Eccles
ECCLES:
Yeah
SEAGOON:
I arrest you for the murder
ECCLES:
I didn't kill Lord Cretinby
SEAGOON:
In that case I arrest you for the murder of Constable Bluebottle
ECCLES:
I didn't know this gun was . . .
GRAMS:
Gunshot
ECCLES:
Aeough!
SEAGOON:
Look out, you fool!
GRAMS:
Gunshot
ECCLES:
Ow!
BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh you deaded me again!
GRAMS:
Gunshot
SEAGOON:
Why are you doing that ...
ECCLES, SEAGOON AND BLUEBOTTLE:
Aeough, ow! (more gunshots) Etc.
ORCHESTRA:
End theme
GREENSLADE:
That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Roy Speer
ORCHESTRA:
End theme continues