Goon Show Script

The Vanishing Room

Vintage Goons Series, Episode 6

First broadcast 13th October 1958. Transcribed by Moriarty.


This episode is available on...
Goon Show Compendium 9

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Vol. 13: It's All in the Mind, You Know!

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GREENSLADE:
The BBC presents Vintage Goons, another in the series of programmes first broadcast to British listeners in 1954

ORCHESTRA:
Short fanfare in G

GRAMS:
Cheering

MILLIGAN:
Ta

SELLERS:
In the county of Sissex lies the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-Cleat from the village of the same name

MILLIGAN:
Population in eighteen eighty nine, four thousand eight hundred and sixty two.

SECOMBE:
Population in nineteen fifty four, eighty seven

SELLERS:
Principle exports: population.

MILLIGAN:
(Laughs)

GREENSLADE:
Brodley-on-Cleat bore one famous son, the Poet Sprunt. He wrote but one sonnet

SPRUNT:
An art and glued, the clued and garly by. Arnd du full fargen dypen crackley glarn. Be near the clated Brodley bicent down. Ahahahar, ahahahar. Brodley-on-Cleat, by ripple slipped gyzee dead ohohar

GREENSLADE:
On hearing this, the villagers erected a tombstone and placed the poet under it

ORCHESTRA:
Start of 'Greensleves'

SECOMBE:
Whilst the villagers slept through the centuries, its rural simplicity broken only by moments of simple fun such as . . .

SELLERS:
The dreaded werewolf murders of seventeen seventy six.

THROAT:
The black agonised stranglings of seventy seven

SECOMBE:
The ghastly massacres of seventy eight

SELLERS:
(Jewish accent) The two-headed axe murders of seventy nine

MILLIGAN:
The case of the Walding (???) regiment murders and then, and then there was . . .

ORCHESTRA:
Timpani roll

LEW:
The Vickers garden party

GREENSLADE:
Can one wonder then at the horror that beset those peaceful villagers when in nineteen fifty three, they found themselves inextricably embroiled in . . .

SECOMBE:
The Case of the Vanishing Room

ORCHESTRA:
Dramatic link

SELLERS:
Indeed, the Case of the Vanishing Room. There was only one man to call in

SEAGOON:
There was only one man available, me, Inspector Ned Seagoon. I well recall that morning, when I was taken in my dustbin to Scotland Yard

FX:
Door opens, lid of dustbin taken off

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Ah Seagoon, get out of that dustbin and sit down. Things are happenin' and happenin' fast. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the phone didn't ring

[3-second pause]

SEAGOON:
You're right, it didn't

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Seagoon, you've got a police dog's certificate?

SEAGOON:
I have

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Then why aren't you wearing your spike collar?

SEAGOON:
Well it was a bit warm this morning, I - I left it in the oven last night you see I ... [laughs]

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Er you silly little doggy you

SEAGOON:
[Makes dog noises]

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
Oh you are a silly little doggy

SEAGOON:
[Makes short dog noise]

SCOTTISH CHIEF:
However, there's been a diabolical murder at Brodley-on-Cleat. I want you to find out a few things. hu-a-mu-ow

SEAGOON:
Right, Sergeant Ellington, spread out and follow me

ORCHESTRA:
Allegro (fast-tempo) link

GREENSLADE:
So Seagoon and his hordes arrived at Brodley-on-Cleat

SELLERS:
[monotone] Brodley-on-Cleat in the county of Sissex lies in the Hamlet of Brodley-on-Cleat, known locally as Brodley-on-cleat . . .

SECOMBE:
Thank you, thank you, we've had all that before

SELLERS:
Oh you made me hurt myself! Uh owwl ~~~

SEAGOON:
Come on lads, this is the police station

FX:
Door knocker knocking on door

HENRY CRUN:
[Snoring]

MIN BANNISTER:
Ooohh, Henry, Henry

SEAGOON:
Ssh, flatten against the wall, someone's coming

MIN BANNISTER:
Henry, nicky nucky noo. Heenryyyyy

HENRY CRUN:
What what did . . .

MIN BANNISTER:
Phish tooo!

HENRY CRUN:
I've had two fish Min, what do you want?

MIN BANNISTER:
I heard a knock on the door, Henry

HENRY CRUN:
Knock, knock on the door?

MIN BANNISTER:
Nicky nocky on the door, Henry. [Thumping beat] Nicky nucky nocky nucky nocky noo!

HENRY CRUN:
[Snores]

MIN BANNISTER:
Did you hear that, Hen?

HENRY CRUN:
Aeough!

MIN BANNISTER:
Heeennrryyyyyyyy!

HENRY CRUN:
Aaeeoouugghh! What, what, what?

MIN BANNISTER:
What's the matter with you down there?

HENRY CRUN:
What are you talk . . .

MIN BANNISTER:
You dozy old man you . . .

HENRY CRUN:
You nattering old, ~~~ shut up

HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER:
[Both tiredly arguing] Phish tooo!

FX:
Door knocker knocking on door

MIN BANNISTER:
Oooohhh! Did you hear that knocking?

HENRY CRUN AND MIN BANNISTER:
Knicky nocky [etc.]

MIN BANNISTER:
There's someone knocking at the door, Henry

HENRY CRUN:
What, what, what, what? It is knocking Min, on the door, I think

MIN BANNISTER:
Answer it, Henry

HENRY CRUN:
I can't find it, Min

MIN BANNISTER:
Oh dear, where did you leave that door last?

HENRY CRUN:
I found it, I found the door, Min

FX:
Door knocker knocking on door

SEAGOON:
Open up in the name of the law!

MIN BANNISTER AND HENRY CRUN:
Phish tooo!

HENRY CRUN:
Min, someone's found the brown door from the other side

MIN BANNISTER:
What?

HENRY CRUN:
It must reach both ways

MIN BANNISTER:
Mercy, save us, we'll all be murdered in our beds I tell you, oohh god, we'll all be murdered! The power! The ~~~, The power, the ~~~.

HENRY CRUN:
(at the same time as Min) Don't worry Min, don't worry

HENRY CRUN:
Min. defend your legs, Min. I'll take cover and defend you. Give me that loaded dish cloth

FX:
Door opens

SEAGOON:
And about time too

HENRY CRUN:
Hands up you devil. Don't force me to use this eiderdown.

SEAGOON:
Calm down, calm down please. I'm Inspector Seagoon

HENRY CRUN:
Is this an official visit?

SEAGOON:
I'm afraid you'll have to put your helmet on

HENRY CRUN:
Oh dear, that'll mean re-potting the Geraniums

MIN BANNISTER:
And the baby too

SEAGOON:
Yes [laughs]. Now ~~~??? where's the criminal record book? Meantime Max Geldray will play a blunt instrument

MIN BANNISTER:
Heeelp!

MAX GELDRAY AND ORCHESTRA:
'One, Two, Button Your Shoe'

GREENSLADE:
From Crun, Seagoon learned that the murder had been commited at the home of Lord Cretinby

SEAGOON:
Ooh

GREENSLADE:
And in no time, he was knocking at the door

MIN BANNISTER:
Nicky nucky noo!

FX:
Door opens

GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] Yes, who is it?

SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Is this the place where there's been a murder?

GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] Yes, which murder are you inquiring about?

SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Which murder? How many have there been?

GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] One

SEAGOON:
[Whisper] That's the one. Now I'm Inspector Seagoon and I . . .

JIM SPRIGGS:
[Off, loud] Close the door, will you? The snow's drifting over the body and you know what a weak chest he has!

SEAGOON:
[Whisper] Here, why isn't he whispering?

GRYTPYPE:
[Whisper] He hasn't got laryngitis

JIM SPRIGGS:
[On] Hello Jim, I said - oh, the police the police!

SEAGOON:
Yes, the police!

JIM SPRIGGS:
Ohoho! I-I-I-I - I am Wiliby (???) the butler. I found the body, namely Lord Cretinby, [singing] come iiiiiin!

SEAGOON:
Thank you

FX:
Door closes

SEAGOON:
Now, so you found the body

JIM SPRIGGS:
I did sir, I did, when I entered the library to serve the poisoned coffee

SEAGOON:
Ah. Oh, the library you say

JIM SPRIGGS:
[Sings] The library I saaaayyyy! [Not singing] That hurts

SEAGOON:
Did you, did you see him fall?

JIM SPRIGGS:
No sir, I was too busy wiping the blood-stained knife

SEAGOON:
Mmm, the library you say

JIM SPRIGGS:
The library I say

SEAGOON:
Mmm, did anyone else come into the room?

JIM SPRIGGS:
Impossible sir, I never left the table save to disarm the pistol in an acid bath

SEAGOON:
The library you say

GRYTPYPE:
The library I say

JIM SPRIGGS:
He didn't let me say it

GRYTPYPE:
It wasn't your say

GREENSLADE:
During the course of this mystery, certain heavily disguised clues will be planted, giving a key to the real murderer. Now read on

SEAGOON:
You are Lord Cretinby's secretary

GRYTPYPE:
Yes

SEAGOON:
So, Lord Cretinby was shot, poisoned and stabbed

GRYTPYPE:
Yes sir yes

SEAGOON:
I see. Did he give any explanation of this?

GRYTPYPE:
Not a word, sir

SEAGOON:
He won't get away with this

GRYTPYPE:
Well I wouldn't be too confident, sir. Lord Cretinby is a difficult man to handle

SEAGOON:
Why?

GRYTPYPE:
He's frozen solid, sir

SEAGOON:
What did you do next?

GRYTPYPE:
I called the doctor, of course

SEAGOON:
Why?

GRYTPYPE:
That's his name, Ofcourse. Terrence Ofcourse, you must've heard of him

SEAGOON:
Why should I?

GRYTPYPE:
I've just told you about him

SEAGOON:
Oohh yes, I'll make a note of that

ORCHESTRA:
Piano playing high A note

SEAGOON:
Thank you. Now photographs of the scene of the crime. Eccles?

FX:
Door opens

ECCLES:
Ah yeah, did I hear you, hallo?

SEAGOON:
Have you got your camera?

ECCLES:
Yeah I got it

SEAGOON:
That's a bit of luck

ECCLES:
Why?

SEAGOON:
I want you to take some photographs

ECCLES:
What a coincidence

SEAGOON:
Why?

ECCLES:
I've got my camera!

SEAGOON:
Good, we'll be able to take some photographs

ECCLES:
Well I'm glad I brought my camera

SEAGOON:
Right, you're the very one to take some photos

ECCLES:
Right, I'll get set up. [Laughs]

SEAGOON:
You'd never think he was a Duke's son, would you?

GRYTPYPE:
No

SEAGOON:
Well don't 'cause he's not [clears throat]

ECCLES:
OK, all ready. Who's it to be?

SEAGOON:
I want a photograph of that body lying in the corner

ECCLES:
Oooh, ain't he gonna stand up?

SEAGOON:
He can't, he's had it

ECCLES:
Ooh, Well ok, but these pictures won't look very lifelike

SEAGOON:
Have you got a dark room?

ECCLES:
Yeah, I got a [softer voice] I got a dark room that will revolutionize all dark rooms

SEAGOON:
How come?

ECCLES:
[Normal voice] It's got a light in it! [Laughs]

SEAGOON:
Get on with it

ECCLES:
OK now then, ready? One, two . . .

SEAGOON:
Hold it, hold it, you've got the camera pointing at yourself

ECCLES:
Oooh I wondered why all the pictures had been coming out like me. I've got a million photographs of me.

SEAGOON:
Get on with it, get on lad, get on

ECCLES:
OK, OK, now come on lordship, come on little body, look at the dicky bird. Come on, smile!

FX:
Camera shutter

ECCLES:
OK that's it, I took him

SEAGOON:
Well, well, well, we'll have to seal the room. Eccles, you seal all the windows

ECCLES:
OK

SEAGOON:
Grytpype, you're doing nothing. Come with me, we'll seal the main door

FX:
Door opens and closes

SEAGOON:
Right, now we'll just nail these boards over

GRAMS:
Fast nailing

SEAGOON:
Now a few locks and chains

FX:
Rattling chains

SEAGOON:
That's it, now the final touch. I'll just spread this micro dust to pick up fingerprints

FX:
Cloping of some sort

SEAGOON:
Ha ha, now no-one can get in that room until I open this door. Believe me that will take some opening [laughs]

ECCLES:
[Muffled] OK, open up, I've sealed all the windows in here

SEAGOON:
Ah no! I've left him inside. It'll all have to come down again. Come on, lend me a hand

GRAMS:
Bricks? Falling to ground

SEAGOON:
[over grams] I don't know why I brought him in the first place. Proper Nelly. Police photographer? He should never have left the Eastbourne beach . . .

GRYTPYPE:
Right, It's all done sir

SEAGOON:
Well done, I'll go in

FX:
Door opens and closes

GRAMS:
[Faint] Door bell rings

GRYTPYPE:
Inspector?

SEAGOON:
Yes?

GRYTPYPE:
There's somebody at the front door

SEAGOON:
For heaven's sake, go down and answer it

GRAMS:
Footsteps on floorboards, then tiles, door bell rings

GRYTPYPE:
[Humming] Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

FX:
Door opens

SEAGOON:
You took your time?

GRYTPYPE:
Inspector, I thought you were upstairs in the library

SEAGOON:
It's gone, the library's gone. I went in and I walked into thin air

GRYTPYPE:
The room is gone?

SEAGOON:
Yes

GRYTPYPE:
The photographer and Lord Cretinby?

SEAGOON:
Yes, [panicking] they've gone too! Ellington, follow that room

ELLINGTON:
Right, hold tight, hold tight

SEAGOON:
(off) Well done, well done

RAY ELLINGTON QUARTET:
'Will You Still Be Mine?'

GREENSLADE:
Meanwhile in Paris, where he had been driven by the music you've just heard, Major Bloodnok a well known absentee was checking into a typical Montmartre ponsion the Hotel Fred, little knowing what was in store

ORCHESTRA:
Bloodnok theme

BLOODNOK:
Aaeeoouugghh

FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Oui, Monsieur?

BLOODNOK:
I want a single room with joining doors please

FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Our speciality Monsieur. Sign the register please

BLOODNOK:
Certainly, certainly

FX:
Pen scratching on paper

BLOODNOK:
[over FX] Mr. & Mrs. Smith

FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
But Monsieur is alone

BLOODNOK:
Oh yes, pardon me, I thought I was on holiday I beg your pardon. Major Bloodnok, Indian Army, retired. Now come along you naughty Frenchman, where's me room?

FX:
Door opens

FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
Voici le chambre

BLOODNOK:
Right, well here's something for your trouble

FRENCH HOTEL SECRETARY:
It was no trouble

BLOODNOK:
Oh, well in that case I'll have it back again, and get out of here!

FX:
Door closes

BLOODNOK:
Now where's the bathroom? Ah, here it is. Thud me crodger and split me thadera! The blasted door has recently been sealed and unsealed

FX:
Door opens

ECCLES:
Oh Inspector Seagoon . . . Ooh, Inspector Seagoon, you're in disguise

BLOODNOK:
Flip me dongeler and lower me groblers! Who in blazes is this ragged goon?

ECCLES:
Oh don't fool around Inspector Seagoon, I've sealed all the windows like you told me

BLOODNOK:
What the devil are you talking about, you Neolithic, naughty boy you? What are you doing with that naughty camera?

ECCLES:
I was taking pictures of the body

BLOODNOK:
Filthy postcards!

ECCLES:
No no! Iiiiiii ain't been taking . . .

BLOODNOK:
Don't lie to me. How much do you want for the lot then?

ECCLES:
I ain't got any of them postcards

BLOODNOK:
Then get out of here, you clean postcarder you. Wait, aaahaha ooh, who's that disgusting bounder lying on the floor?

ECCLES:
I was taking his photograph

BLOODNOK:
Lying down?

ECCLES:
No I was standing up, he was lying down.

BLOODNOK:
You felt no pain of course?

ECCLES:
No, but it's done me a power of good

BLOODNOK:
Good. Who is this infernal man anyway?

ECCLES:
Well um ah, that's Lord Cretinby

BLOODNOK:
Rubbish

ECCLES:
No that's not rubbish, that's Lord Cretinby

BLOODNOK:
Look here, this is impossible. I know for a fact that Lord Cretinby was murdered yesterday at Brodley-on-Cleat

ECCLES:
I know, I I've been here since yesterday

BLOODNOK:
But this is Paris

ECCLES:
[Gulps] Paris? [Shocked] This is, this is Paris?!

BLOODNOK:
Yes, Paris. Clud me thudder!

ECCLES:
Wallop

BLOODNOK:
Ow. Look out of the window there. Look, I mean look, there's the Eiffel Tower, Montmartre, Arc de Triomphe !

ECCLES:
Ooh, what's Paris doing in Brodley-on-Cleat?

BLOODNOK:
What are you talking about?

ECCLES:
I tell you that man's in Brodley-on-Cleat. I took a dicky bird photograph of him . . .

BLOODNOK:
[Over Eccles] Look here, look here!

ORCHESTRA:
Mysterious link

GREENSLADE:
Meantime, in Brodley-on-Cleat, Inspector Seagoon suddenly hit a clue

SEAGOON:
I've got it, when we opened that door, the library disappeared, right?

GRYTPYPE:
So right

SEAGOON:
There was a phone in that room, wasn't there?

GRYTPYPE:
Yes, Brodley 3-9-1

SEAGOON:
So if I phone that number, I should get through to that room. Give me that phone

FX:
Phone taken off hook, dials number

SEAGOON:
They don't call me brainless Seagoon for nothing

GRYTPYPE:
I'm sure they don't, sir

GRAMS:
Outgoing ring, phone picked up on other end

ECCLES:
[Other end] Um [clears throat] hello, Brodley 3-9-1 here

SEAGOON:
Eccles, is that you Eccles?

ECCLES:
[Other end] Um, just a minute. [2-second pause] Yeah, it's me

SEAGOON:
Where did you go?

ECCLES:
[Other end] Look in the mirror

SEAGOON:
Eccles, where are you?

ECCLES:
[Other end] I'm in Paris [chuckles]

SEAGOON:
Good heavens, the missing room is in Paris. Eccles wait there, I'll catch the next train to Paris!

ECCLES:
[Other end] Right

GRAMS:
Steaming train, guard's whistle, chug of engine fading for 20sec.

SEAGOON:
I should've been on that train. Never mind, I'll catch the next pair of Paris bound boots. I'll leave for Dover at once!

GRAMS:
Splash

LITTLE JIM:
He's fallen in the water! [After applause] Ta

SELLERS:
Thank you, lad. Meantime, in the Hotel Fred, the manager had made two startling discoveries; a British room was staying at his hotel and Bloodnok had been concealing two unpaid guests - one living, one dead

ECCLES:
I'm the living one, folks

BLOODNOK:
This blasted manager's locked me in my room and I . . .

FX:
Fast knocks on door

BLOODNOK:
Aeough! It's that fiendish Frenchman again

ECCLES:
How do you know?

BLOODNOK:
He's knocking in French

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Ouvre le port, s'il vous plait

ECCLES:
Ooh, it's a foreigner!

BLOODNOK:
What, you mean they've even got them in France? Oh well entrée

FX:
Door opens

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Now Monsieur, ze bill. If you do not pay it, we will throw you out

BLOODNOK:
One more threat like that and I'll leave

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Monsieur must pay for the extra British room he brought in

BLOODNOK:
But I didn't bring it here

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Maybe not but your friend is lying down in it

BLOODNOK:
Yes, he's dead

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
Oh pardon, then we'll make a reduction, we always make a reduction for dead person

BLOODNOK:
How kind, how kind

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
There only remains, let me see now, 5000 francs for the extra room

BLOODNOK:
What? But I'm not living in the extra room!

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
We are not charging you for living in the room

BLOODNOK:
Then what are you charging for?

FRENCH HOTEL MANAGER:
We are charging you for the room staying at this hotel

BLOODNOK:
Clud me thudderer and frauder me zallibet! Get out of here you fiend, we're Britishers do you hear

ECCLES:
Yeah, just remember, just remember I . . . What am I talking about, remembered what?

FX:
Door opens

SEAGOON:
Alright you French devils, drop that tray. Bluebottle?

BLUEBOTTLE:
I heard you call, I heard you call me, captain. Give your orders, I will work 'til I drop! I always drop when I work. Moves left stage, strikes policeman pose with truncheon out ready, remains alert

SEAGOON:
Have you done?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes

SEAGOON:
Thank you. Right, Bluebottle, arrest that corpse

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes I will arrest him, I will . . . Corpse? Did you say arrest the corpse, my captain? Ehium. Turns white, ears turn green, hairs fall out, legs drop off, feels faint, but manages to hold onto drainpipe

SEAGOON:
Arrest him, I said arrest that corpse!

BLUEBOTTLE:
What is the charge? Name the charge against that corpse, man

SEAGOON:
Leaving the country without a passport

ECCLES:
Ooh, but he ain't done nothing, that's Lord Cretinby. It's him that's been done in

SEAGOON:
Is that true Lord Cretinby, have you been murdered? So you won't answer ay? This will go hard for you at the trial. Bluebottle?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Speak captain, let your orders ring out to my welcoming ears. Crime does not pay, I say, crime does not pay. If it did, I would've joined it. Strikes heroic McClusky of the mounties pose

SEAGOON:
Thank you, you've finished have you?

BLUEBOTTLE:
Yes I have

SEAGOON:
Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. Bluebottle, you'll sit in that chair and take the place of the late Lord Cretinby. Eccles, you take the murder gun, walk in here and pretend to shoot Bluebottle three times like they do in the pictures, right?

ECCLES:
Goodie, goodie, this is fun. Where's that pistol? Now I'll go outside

FX:
Door opens and closes

ECCLES:
[Off] Now then, are you ready?

SEAGOON:
Righto, let's be having you

FX:
Door opens

ECCLES:
Ahahahaha ha! So Lord Cretinby, your time has come, take that

GRAMS:
Three gunshots

BLUEBOTTLE:
You swine, you rotten swine, you have shotted me. Farewell cruel world, eihii! Slumps to floor in death agony, does quick twitch, auee. Oh, there's a nail in the floor

SEAGOON:
That's it, that's how the murder was done! Eccles

ECCLES:
Yeah

SEAGOON:
I arrest you for the murder

ECCLES:
I didn't kill Lord Cretinby

SEAGOON:
In that case I arrest you for the murder of Constable Bluebottle

ECCLES:
I didn't know this gun was . . .

GRAMS:
Gunshot

ECCLES:
Aeough!

SEAGOON:
Look out, you fool!

GRAMS:
Gunshot

ECCLES:
Ow!

BLUEBOTTLE:
Oh you deaded me again!

GRAMS:
Gunshot

SEAGOON:
Why are you doing that ...

ECCLES, SEAGOON AND BLUEBOTTLE:
Aeough, ow! (more gunshots) Etc.

ORCHESTRA:
End theme

GREENSLADE:
That was the Goon Show, a BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan, with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. The orchestra was conducted by Wally Stott, script by Spike Milligan, announcer Wallace Greenslade, the programme produced by Roy Speer

ORCHESTRA:
End theme continues